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Welcome to Belper

With its busy shopping streets packed with unique independent businesses, its history and heritage, its parks, reserves and beautiful spaces, Belper in Derbyshire is a great place to visit.

Find out more about this thriving, historic market town here: belper.madhm.uk.

Welcome to Belper

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Competition Humming

The Fourth International Humming Championship takes place in a field just outside Wigan this weekend and is open to anybody who has a favourite song but doesn't know the words. Two thousand entrants took part in last year's event, simultaneously humming over two thousand different tunes. There were reliable reports that the din could be heard more than thirty miles away.

Organisers are hoping for a better turnout this year. Despite there being no shortage of competitors, there were only twenty spectators last time and many of these were noticeably intimidated at being outnumbered a hundred to one. Additionally, last year's event was augmented by several craft stalls, a raffle and a brass band, and it is believed that these may have been responsible for driving many people away.

Still, the reigning champion, Ian 'Tone Deaf' Crompton, has been very active in encouraging people to come along. "It's a marvellous event," he lies, fondly recalling how he previously romped to victory with his ear-shatteringly hideous rendition of "Eton Rifles" by The Jam. "I know some people can find humming quite irritating and that the prospect of suffering a couple of thousand folks doing it in unison is only slightly more tolerable than repeatedly slamming you own head in a door, but it's by supporting events such as this that we keep our communities alive. And, on the plus side, the whole thing only lasts about four and a half minutes, which is barely long enough to ruin your afternoon, let alone scar you for life."

Housebreakers' Code of Conduct

In response to years of negative criticism, the National Association of Housebreakers, Pickpockets and Miscellaneous Villains has issued a code of conduct. The Association's president, Micky 'Spanners' Johnson believes that this move is long overdue. He hopes that now the code is in place, the public can finally be confident that their homes will be burgled in a competent manner.

"We know that being robbed can be a difficult and stressful time for many people," said Mr Johnson. "And that's made all the worse when whoever has turned you over is clearly some kind of bumbling idiot. People have a right to be burgled to a professional standard by properly trained criminals, and when that doesn't happen it reflects very badly on the rest of us."

All members of the association will be obliged to comply or face financial penalties. The code covers many areas of their work, including health and safety, dispersal of assets and grassing to the old bill. The association has also instigated a formal grievance procedure and members are obliged to leave a leaflet at the scene of the crime with details of how to make a complaint.

"I think it's high time that our industry got its house in order and that the skill and conscientiousness of our members was recognised," Mr Johnson told us. "For too long our good work has been overshadowed by a few bad apples. The fact is, we're not in this business to upset anyone. After all, if my intention in robbing people was to cause as much dismay, grief, anger and despair as I possibly could, then I'd still be in banking."

Offshore Biscuits

Authorities have reported an increase in offshore biscuit eating in order to avoid tax. Most biscuits, as your accountant will tell you, are zero rated. The exceptions are those partially or wholly covered in chocolate, which are subject to a 20% tax. Clearly this makes them significantly more expensive for youngsters without the benefit of a private income or a cushy job with the family firm, and has led to a craze for offshore biscuit parties.

Biscuit parties - or cookie collectives as you may have heard them referred to on popular television programmes - take place outside UK territorial waters where tax laws cannot be enforced. They are usually attended by groovy young teenagers with long hair and transistor radios playing the latest fab new sounds. It's a crazy scene where, in their own words, kids can just 'chill out' without getting any 'hassle' from 'the man', and where they are free to eat as many Chocolate Hobnobs as they like.

Of course, it's all perfectly legal and there is currently nothing that law enforcement officers can do about it. But that's not to say that everyone is happy with the situation, particularly not the Maritime and Coastguard agency, who are taking these latest developments very seriously.

"It be a mighty nuisance, an' no mistake," said Mad One-eyed Peg Leg O'Davy, Director of Maritime Safety and Standards. "These 'ere young 'uns going out in all weathers, paddling around on rafts made out of Jaffa Cakes with chocolate fingers for oars - it ain't natural, I tell 'ee. Sooner or later, someone's gonna come a right cropper."

Indeed, there have already been several close calls: air sea rescue have been called out on two occasions, and in a separate incident an impromptu biscuit party in the North Sea had to be hastily abandoned after it was struck by a tanker.

In spite of these and similar events, nautical biscuit enthusiasts are resolute, claiming that it is their right as citizens to enjoy tax-free biscuits just as nature intended. Nevertheless, they have conceded that their approach so far has not been entirely practical and so they have bought an old trawler which they have refitted as a floating canteen. They hope to have it up and running and broadcasting chocolate chip cookies to the nation by next spring.