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Welcome to Belper

With its busy shopping streets packed with unique independent businesses, its history and heritage, its parks, reserves and beautiful spaces, Belper in Derbyshire is a great place to visit.

Find out more about this thriving, historic market town here: belper.madhm.uk.

Welcome to Belper

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Pre-lit Candles

Plans to ban the sale of pre-lit candles have come under fire from a vocal group of campaigners, who claim that this is just another example of unwanted 'nanny state' interference. The popularity of decorative scented candles has grown considerably in recent years and annual sales now easily outnumber all other forms of pointless overpriced tat. Inevitably, competition within the market is fierce and retailers looking for an edge have enjoyed a considerable advantage by selling their candles 'pre-lit'.

"Our customers are mainly busy professional types," said Karen Wick, retail director for Crapbuy, a chain which specialises in supplying useless ephemera and unusable gadgets. "They don't have time to waste on mundane tasks such as lighting their own candles. Many of them probably wouldn't know how. And, quite frankly, why should they? Well, when they buy candles from Crapbuy, they don't have to. We give the customer what they want, which is why we are the market leader."

Whilst she no doubt speaks for many, Ms Wick's opinions are not shared with everyone within the industry. Several retailers have spoken about the difficulty of storing pre-lit candles and have also drawn attention to the drastically reduced shelf life of the product. One or two have gone so far as to raise the ever-so-slight possibility of a conflagration, and have noted that seeing customers on fire while queuing up at the checkout might have a negative impact on sales.

With opinions so polarised, this particular burning issue looks set to inflame passions for some time to come. However, it's likely that the outcome will be of little consequence as it appears that sales of pre-lit candles are already starting to decline following the introduction of 'pre-trashed' candles - candles which the retailer will dispose of for you at the point of purchase, saving you the trouble of having to take them home and bin them yourself.

Fuzzy Measurements

The International Bureau of Weights and Measures has announced a new unit for the measurement of length - the ambigometre. The bureau describes this new unit as a 'fuzzy' measurement, which doesn't mean that it's covered in felt, as you might expect, but rather that is a unit which does not have an absolutely defined value. Although, purely coincidentally, it is actually covered in felt.

The ambigometre is described as 'the arbitrary margin of error by which standard units are observed and recorded'. To help you understand how this unit might be used, imagine that you are measuring the width of an alcove for a shelf. Some impediment - for example a piece of furniture, a length of coving or a grumpy looking spider - prevents you from getting the tape measure right up into the corner, meaning that an element of guesswork is required. This is where the ambigometre comes into play - you simply read off the width as closely as you can, give or take an ambigometre, as in the following example:

"Yeah, it's 127 centimetres, Barry, give or take an ambigomtre either way. Are you going to put the kettle on, I'm spitting feathers here."

Of course, this is of absolutely no practical use when you come home from the store to find that the shelf you've just bought is too short, but it nevertheless offers some legal protection for the retailer, as they can maintain that it is indeed '127 centimetres, give or take an ambigometre' just like you asked for.

The ambigometre begins a sixteen week theatre tour next month, along with the vagueolitre and the sillygram.

Flattening Snowdon

The Welsh Tourist Board has just announced a scheme to level Mount Snowdon to make it easier for wheelchair access. "Snowdon is one of our finest national treasures," said a spokesman. "People come here from all over the world to admire the spectacular scenery, enjoy the wildlife and take advantage of the clear mountain air. It's just a pity that it's so bloody high, really - but once we've flattened it, that won't be a problem, and more people will be able to enjoy this fantastic landscape."

This announcement represents a significant investment in UK tourism and follows hot on the heels of recent initiatives to fill in Coniston Water so that it can be used as a skate park, wallpaper the white cliffs of Dover and fill Cheddar Gorge with actual cheddar.