A Pox on Your Houses
It was just over a year ago that the first case of 'house pox' was reported. It came to light in Sunderland after Mr Iain Bolan noticed a series of small, regular bulges in the brickwork of his bungalow as he left for work one morning. By the time he returned home, these bulges had broken out into a pattern of swollen red marks.
Neither Iain's doctor nor any of the local building firms could offer any help or explanation and eventually Iain had to contact a fancy house doctor in that there London. The house doctor diagnosed the outbreak as a new and dangerously virulent strain of property pox, told Iain to slather the walls liberally in calamine lotion and charged him three hundred and fifty quid.
Since that time, numerous other cases of house pox have come to light, affecting residential properties, public buildings and businesses. At the time of writing, reports are rapidly approaching epidemic proportions.
Vaccinations for houses are available, but sadly no one has yet developed a syringe sturdy enough to deliver them. For this reason it has been suggested that a cull is the only practical way forward, meaning that properties deemed to be most at risk of infection will be bulldozed, even if they currently display no symptoms of contagion.
This action, the government believes, will prevent further transmission of the disease, but there remains considerable concern that the proposed demolition sites are predominantly in deprived areas of low-cost and social housing.
When this was pointed out to the minister in charge, his reply was "And?"
Inventor Cleans Up with New Hoover Car
Budding inventor Jamie Prang hopes to clean up with his latest invention, the 'Hoover' car. The revolutionary new vehicle, which has taken Mr Prang over ten years to perfect, is both environmentally friendly and economical to run - good news for the environment and the motorist's pocket. We asked Mr Prang how he first came up with the idea.
"Erm, well, just one small correction: it's a hover car, not a 'Hoover' car," he told us.
Marvellous! Of course, the idea of a car that can clean up as it goes along is a novel one and it has been warmly welcomed by environmentalists. Does Mr Prang envisage this group as his primary market?
"What? No... Look, I think you've got the wrong end of the stick here. It's not a 'Hoover' car. I don't even know what a 'Hoover' car is?"
Excellent! But what of the average motorist? This vehicle represents a significant shift in general attitudes to transport. Does Mr Prang believe that there will be any difficulty in marketing a Hoover car to the man in the street?
"It's a hover car. A HOVER car!"
Wonderful! So, no fear that drivers will be put off by the need to keep changing dust filters or emptying bags every few hundred miles?
"What bags? This has nothing to do with vacuum cleaners. It's a hover car."
Fantastic! So it looks as though there will be a bright future for the Hoover car. Ultimately, of course, the market will decide, but there's certainly a good chance that in five years' time we'll all be driving one. Let's hope so, for Mr Prang's sake at least. It would certainly be most disappointing indeed if this invention was consigned to the dustbin of transport innovations, along with the vet-ski, the hiccup truck and the tripe-cycle.
Saluting Magpies
An old British superstition has it that if you see a single magpie you are supposed to salute it with the words "Hello Mr Magpie, how's your wife today?" Those more familiar with the ways of country folk will know that animal etiquette doesn't end there. For instance, if you meet a duck you're supposed to ask where it went on its holidays. If you come across a sheep you're obliged to support its application to join the local golf club. A pig should be provided with a letter of recommendation to any prospective employers, the correct form of greeting for a cow is a standing ovation and if you should chance upon a donkey or small horse it is generally considered polite to take it out to lunch, although you are advised to avoid anything too spicy.
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