Freda Time
Dr Caractacus Penrose has discovered a whole new way of defining time, which he has called 'Freda Time' after his wife. The concept is expressed by the formula
Ft = (E + n)2
which, as Dr Penrose explains, means that Freda Time is equal to the square of the time that Mrs Penrose has promised faithfully to be ready to leave the house when they are going out somewhere, plus 'n' - 'n' in this context is any number except the one you're actually expecting.
Warning: Chickens
This August will see the first new road sign to be introduced to the British road network since 1963, warning motorists of the risk of collision with giant chickens. Only one instance of the sign will be used - on the A64 just outside Tadcaster, where local resident Betty Filtration has been campaigning for warning signs to be erected since being chased by a mutant fowl in 1978.
No reports of oversized chickens have been received since, and Betty's sighting remains unconfirmed, but she is nevertheless pleased that action has finally been taken. In a photo story in her local paper, Betty can be seen pointing to the spot where she claims to have first encountered the chicken and is quoted as saying that she can finally sleep soundly at night in the knowledge that road users will finally be forewarned against interference from maniac poultry.
Domestic Mining
Changes to the law will soon make it legal for mining companies to tunnel up into your kitchen cupboards and steal your pork luncheon meat. Businesses presently have the right to mine beneath private land, but the new legislation will give them powers to drive shafts right up into your home, wander around your front room and rifle through your DVD collection.
The legislation is designed to boost the mining industry and make it easier for companies to begin fracking operations, but protesters are saying that the new rules go too far. "I don't want some dirty great pit worker popping up out of a hole in my living room floor when I'm trying to watch Strictly," said shop worker and amateur environmentalist Tracy Sponge. "And I don't care whether it does provide a much needed boon to industry, the first time I see muddy boot prints tracking across my lino, I'll swing for someone."
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