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Welcome to Belper

With its busy shopping streets packed with unique independent businesses, its history and heritage, its parks, reserves and beautiful spaces, Belper in Derbyshire is a great place to visit.

Find out more about this thriving, historic market town here: belper.madhm.uk.

Welcome to Belper

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Gun Dogs

A pressure group has recently called for gun dogs to be licensed. "We realise that these are working animals which play an essential role in rural economies," said a spokesman. "But frankly we consider it reckless to give firearms to animals. Oh yes, I'm sure many people think it's great fun to train an Airedale to use a rifle, and of course we are alive to the comic possibilities of a Jack Russell with a blunderbuss, but when your neighbourhood is being terrorised by a pack of tooled-up Labradors you struggle to see the funny side."

Food Insecurity

How do you grow healthy, nutritious and pest-free organic produce without resorting to chemicals? Well the answer appears to be Vegetable Counselling, according to Professor Kieran Poltroon, a 'Neuroflorologist' from Edinburgh University. Following a two-year study programme, most of which was spent staring at a potato, the Professor has concluded that many vegetables display feelings of inadequacy which impedes their growth and makes them prone to disease.

"Think about it," Professor Poltroon urged us. "If someone stuck you in the ground and regularly smothered you in manure, you might not feel too good about yourself either."

Keeping Ballet Dancers in Captivity

Is it cruel to keep ballet dancers in captivity? That's the question that will be discussed this weekend at a symposium set up by the World Wildlife Fund. Those against argue that ballet dancers need the wild wide open spaces of the savannah to properly flourish and practice their entrechats. Those in favour of continuing the practice believe that it is necessary to ensure the survival of these frail and delicate creatures.

It is believed that ballet dancers no longer exist in the wild, their natural habitats having been overrun by lions and tigers, which are traditionally faster, more aggressive and have sharper teeth than anything in a leotard. Furthermore, previous attempts to reintroduce them back into the wild have ended in disaster, with the ballet dancers usually ending up being done over by monkeys.

However, it should be noted that such objections did not impede a successful programme to release mime artists from captivity in 1998, but it remains to be seen whether any useful comparisons can be drawn.

4'33"

The envelope on which composer John Cage scribbled the first draft of one of his most famous works has been withdrawn from auction following doubts about its authenticity. The envelope - manila, measuring approximately six inches by nine and entirely blank - was believed to have contained the original outline for 4'33", Cage's notorious silent composition. But experts have now expressed concern after being unable to confirm that the lack of handwriting belongs to the late tunesmith.

This marks the second controversy to mark the auction house in the last few weeks. Only last month the sale of a sheet of blank A4 paper had to be halted after authorities failed to confirm that it was the original cover design for The Beatles' White Album.