Unlicensed Magicians
There are calls to tighten up the regulation of street magicians after a girl in Norwich was levitated and left suspended three feet above the ground for an hour before being rescued by firemen equipped with a small stepladder. And it's not the first time that a member of the public has suffered distress at the hands of an itinerant wizard. A man in Gloucester recently became seriously confused after his phone was inserted into a beer bottle, and a Liverpool woman reported that a street conjuror had sawn her mother-in-law in half while she was trying to do her shopping.
Nottingham in particular has a severe problem with magicians and its market square is frequently overrun with them. "They're worse than the pigeons," said local resident Bernie Suction. "Constantly pestering you to pick a card, making your watch disappear and crapping all over the statues. The council ought to do summat about it. Have 'em all destroyed or summat."
Nottingham City Council has already considered a number of options. "We've tried putting humane traps down," said Councillor Alison Bongo. "Huge boxes baited with magic wands, top hats and crystal balls. They love all that stuff, so they run in, the door springs shut and they're trapped. Except that they're not, of course. Miraculously escaping from locked boxes is something that they seem quite good at."
Nevertheless, the council is aware of the health risks and realises that it needs to take action before some areas of the city become completely uninhabitable. They have decided to adopt a different approach.
"We don't see anything wrong with magic, per se," said Councillor Bongo. "But it doesn't belong on the streets. It needs to be practised in the safe, comfortable environment of a theatre, a nightclub or a children's birthday party. That's why we have opened a number of drop-in centres, where magicians can come, practise card tricks, play with interlocking rings or just sit and talk to someone about pulling the flags of all nations from their top pockets. It's a friendly, supportive environment, and we have a number of ex-magician volunteers who really understand what it's like to be chained, padlocked, trussed up in a sack and suspended over a trough of burning paraffin."
Impersonating a Police Officer
A Tewksbury man has today been sentenced to six months for impersonating a police officer. The man, who cannot be named for psychic reasons, was witnessed weaving erratically around the street, chanting racist and homophobic rants and lashing out at people with a truncheon.
"We're very pleased with the verdict," said Chief Inspector Gerald Punchline, outside court. "This kind of behaviour is very confusing for members of the general public who may have easily mistaken this individual for a real constable. So it is very important that we send out a firm message and make sure that this kind of loutish behaviour remains solely the prerogative of genuine officers."
Missed Calls
Having lost all his fingers in a freak texting accident, amateur inventor Mat Porridge has recently patented a phone that he can use by repeatedly head-butting the interface. However, there seems to be little demand for 'cranial impact technology' and he has so far been unable to find a manufacturer who is interested in taking the device further.
Critics have, in particular, been sceptical of the commercial viability of a gadget which is both painful to operate and leaves an impression of itself in the user's forehead. Mr Porridge has tried to put a positive spin on these disadvantages, emphasising the potential of cross-selling complimentary products such as pain killers, bandages and crash helmets, but there are still no takers.
Sadly, things now look bleak for the inventor, who has had to remortgage his home to cover the development costs, and is now left with mounting debts, a backlog of missed calls and a splitting headache.
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