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Welcome to Belper

With its busy shopping streets packed with unique independent businesses, its history and heritage, its parks, reserves and beautiful spaces, Belper in Derbyshire is a great place to visit.

Find out more about this thriving, historic market town here: belper.madhm.uk.

Welcome to Belper

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Look, See

Is it possible to catch an eye infection just by looking at someone? We looked in on the visionary Dr Benjamin Van Goggles at the Amsterdam Institute for Ocular Research, who has a unique perspective on the matter, and we asked him to put us in the picture. Whereas he used to regard it as a possibility, these days his outlook has changed and he observes with hindsight that it is unlikely. In fact, he now takes a dim view of colleagues who continue to make spectacles of themselves, and thinks that if they watch out they will be a damn sight better off.

Optical Gravy

Dinner ladies at Manchester University have discovered a way of transmitting gravy via fibre optic cables. The process works by converting individual gravy granules into discrete packets of light and then streaming them down specially prepared cables, greased with goose fat. At present the technique works with most types of gravy, although the team hit a stumbling block when they tried to adapt the process to work with other foodstuffs.

"The possibilities are awesome, so we're determined to crack the problem," said Head of Carrots, Doris Maypole-Claypole. "Imagine being able to download custard from the internet, or faxing treacle. This kind of technology will change how we think about mealtimes forever."

In a separate project, caretakers at the Lincoln School of Performing Arts have been firing peas through a gap in the dance studio wall. They claim that they are trying to determine whether peas are particles or waves, but experts say that they're really not fooling anyone.

Spoon

Following a break-in last Thursday night, staff at the International Bureau of Weights and Measures in Sèvres, France, have discovered that their tablespoon is missing. The tablespoon is one of several standard units of measurement kept at the bureau, along with the metre, the kilogram, three double decker buses and an area the size of Wales.

Although the spoon itself has little intrinsic value, the repercussions of its loss will be keenly felt by the many cooks, chefs and bakers who will now have to rely on teaspoons and cupfuls as the only reliable means of measuring their ingredients. In the meantime, acting on a tip off, police have cordoned off a section of downtown Sèvres roughly the size of three football pitches.

Distance Learning

The University of Halifax is now offering Distance Learning Courses. Students can study for a Certificate in Twenty Eight Metres, or chose to do a Foundation Degree in Six Yards. If you've got a couple of years to spare, and if you have the stamina, you can get a BSc in Twenty Six Miles. These modules build on the success of similar courses in Weights and Measures that the University ran last year.

"I thought it was a bit heavy going at first," said student Kelly Barbell, who is studying for a BSc in Sixteen Tons. "For a while I just seemed to be getting another day older and deeper in debt. But I found that putting my shoulder to the wheel really helped to give me a lift, and it's now become much less of a burden."

The University says that demand is high and that places are filling up fast. In fact, interest has been so intense that they are already planning an advanced course in Volume next year. "Inevitably, it will be quite a dense programme of study," said Professor Gareth Hectare, BOz Hons (Bachelor of Ounces). "But we're confident that most of our students will have the capacity."