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Welcome to Belper

With its busy shopping streets packed with unique independent businesses, its history and heritage, its parks, reserves and beautiful spaces, Belper in Derbyshire is a great place to visit.

Find out more about this thriving, historic market town here: belper.madhm.uk.

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Stood Up

An Ayrshire woman has successfully prosecuted her boyfriend for standing her up on a date. The woman, who can't be named for geographical reasons, invoked an ancient law which first appeared on the statute books in the time of James IV, and was originally intended to help landowners seek redress when their sheep wandered onto neighbouring estates.

The judge ruled that since the defendant - who cannot be named for metaphysical reasons - failed to turn up at Glen's All-You-Can-Eat Grease Bar in Kilmarnock at the prescribed time, he was in fact technically feral, meaning that the plaintiff is within her rights to assemble a hunting party and run him to ground.

Breakthrough for Archaeologists

Archaeologists from Exeter University have reported extraordinary results after experimenting with some new dating techniques. "Basically I got a decent haircut, spruced myself up and took a bit more care with my personal hygiene," said medieval pottery expert Colin Trowel. "It's remarkable. I wouldn't exactly say I've been fighting off women with a stick, but last Friday night I talked to a girl for a whole seven minutes before she went off to find her friend. And when you spend all day up to your cobblers in a muddy hole surrounded by old bones and broken pots, that's something of a result, let me tell you."

Friday Lunch

Friday lunchtime has been declared a zone of special significance by UNESCO's World Heritage Committee, in recognition of its contribution to long weekends. For some years now, Friday lunchtimes have been under threat from employers wishing to increase the productivity of their staff. In its heyday during the 60s and 70s, Friday afternoon was a weekly festival, often extending well into the evening. Even when employees did return to work, the amount of alcohol consumed was usually sufficient to ensure that no actual work got done. Since that time, stricter employment practices, tighter budgets and more disappointing pub snacks have combined to destroy this traditional way of life. In fact, in the most extreme cases, erosion has seen the average Friday lunch break dwindle to a meagre ten minutes.

Although these lunches may forever be a thing of the past, this latest move is designed to preserve what little remains. As a World Heritage Site, Friday lunchtime will join such iconic landmarks as the Pyramids at Giza, the Great Barrier Reef and Tuesday morning, just before half past ten. And being awarded protected status will both raise the profile of this important national treasure, and attract funding for renovation and repair. Also, no one will be allowed to build on it, so, you know, that's probably a good thing, yes?

Hatching Fruit

It's twenty years now since scientists first crossed a chicken with an apple to produce the world's first corn-fed Granny Smith. What was, at the time, just a scientific curiosity is now a major industry, encompassing an ever-expanding menagerie of animal-vegetable hybrids. But it's an industry that is still not without its critics. Those who oppose the practice claim that it is dangerous, unnatural and weird - and their protests are being taken seriously. The PLAFP - The People's League Against Fruit Poultry - is just one of the many pressure groups that has scored notable campaign successes, most recently halting plans to expand the Kilburn Fruit Hatchery, a leading supplier of exotic 'vegimals'.

"We're not against progress," said PLAFP campaigner, Jemimah Pulp. "Far from it, but in the interests of safety we think there should be better controls - and I think that anybody who's ever been bitten by a tomato would agree with that. It's not nice walking down the fresh produce aisle of your local supermarket, with all that yapping and chirping and clucking and croaking. It's disconcerting to find yourself being glared at by a potato. And only last week we heard of someone being pecked to death by plums, so we don't think we are over-exaggerating the dangers."

We approached Kilburn Fruit Hatchery but they refused to comment on the case. They did, however, issue a statement. They explained that the food products they supply have been rigorously tested in accordance with current government guidelines and are certified safe for human consumption. They admit that their grapefruits can get restless if they are not stored correctly, and that sometimes a cauliflower chicken can seem intimidating once it's past its sell-by date. Despite this, the company is at pains to point out that none of their fruit hybrids has teeth, and that in the unlikely event that you purchase a belligerent mango the most it can do is give you nasty suck.