African Belching Frog
Professor Jurgen Kreeper has been named this year's recipient of the Nobel Prize for Amphibians in recognition of his discovery of the African belching frog. Accepting his award in the car park of a largely derelict retail park near Luton, the celebrated zoologist recalled that fateful day when he first encountered the extraordinary creature.
"I was punting a kayak up the Zambezi," he told the press, "and as I hunched down to pass under an overhanging branch, I heard a loud croak, felt a warm blast on the back of my neck and my hat blew off. It was a deeply emotional moment."
Bouncing Planets
Scientists in Denver have discovered that the Universe has a floor. Observations of an exploding star in the Andromeda galaxy revealed that the blast knocked one of the planets off the little stick that it goes round on. It rapidly dropped out of sight, but then astronomers, expecting that they would never see it again, were considerably surprised to see it bounce back up into view.
From more recent observations of bouncing planets, boffins have been able to infer more details of the Universe's mysterious floor, including strong indications that it's covered in lino and probably hasn't seen a broom for a good few millennia.
Exciting though these findings are, there is still no firm indication on whether the Universe has a ceiling, although there is consensus that someone has left a window open, as there certainly seems to be a draught coming from somewhere.
Planets are on sticks, right?
Extremely Minimalist Acting
Sir John Actor has won great acclaim with his turn as the titular King Lear at the Old Vic this season. The performance involves him not being present on stage for two and a half hours of the three hour play, an approach which Sir John describes as 'extremely minimalistic'.
"With most actors you might be concerned if they're not around for the majority of the play," said director, Sir Terrence Director. "But not Sir John. Some performers can convey a character with just a smattering of dialogue; some purely through facial expression or the way they move. But Sir John has taken his stagecraft one step further. He can give a truly inspiring performance without even stepping out from the wings. In fact, for most of the show he's not even in the building and we have to go and drag him out of the pub next door."
The performance that really got the critics going, however, took place last week while Sir John was on holiday in St Kitts, during which he only appeared in one scene, via Zoom. The Mail on Sunday described it as probably the most powerful thing seen on a London stage since Sir Lawrence Olivier's performance as Henry V at the National Theatre, which was sent in on a postcard.
Is your Hoover past its prime?
There's nothing more heartbreaking than seeing an old vacuum cleaner as it puffs and wheezes around your front room, spilling out dust from its perforated bag and choking asthmatically on a hairball or a speck of grit. What was once a healthy young appliance, full of vim and vigour, is now a rickety old embarrassment with a cracked nozzle and a wonky castor, and about as much suction as a child's toy arrow.
You might think that the kindest thing to do is to take it out into the back yard and blow its filter out with a shotgun.
But wait just one darn moment! Here at the Duncleanin' Home for Knackered Hoovers, we can provide a carefree life for your retired Henrys and Henriettas. A place where they can live out their remaining years in an atmosphere of comfort and dignity, whilst being dragged about by their hoses, scuffed up against skirting boards and used as doorstops.
So when it's time to empty out your loved one into the wheelie bin of decrepitude, give us a call.
The Duncleanin' Home
for Knackered Hoovers
Because old age doesn't have to suck
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