To Serve Man
Celebrity chef Heston Cheesecake, author of the best-selling Cooking with the Stars has spoken out about the lack of quality ingredients that is seriously damaging his profession.
"Back in my time," he told our reporter recently, "we had proper movie stars, real artists, genuine talent. You could come into my restaurant any day of the week and tuck into braised shoulder of Gregory Peck, rack of John Wayne or filet de Marilyn Monroe. These days if you want to cook with celebrities, all you've got to work with is reality TV stars, one hit wonders and nonentities."
In recent years, the number of people eating in celebrity restaurants has declined, largely due to the increased availability of cheap pre-packed c-listers that can be microwaved at home. But Cheesecake believes that the reduced quality of famous flesh has contributed to the shift in habits.
"Ha! These clowns don't know what real stardom is," he told our reporter as he defiantly tucked into a Bieber Burger with Dawn French fries. "People these days are awarded their fifteen minutes of fame by virtue of their own crushing stupidity. I'm an artist! How can I create culinary excellence from showbiz offal like that?"
Mr Cheesecake can currently be seen cooking Linda Lusardi and The Krankies in Dick Whittington at the Assembly Rooms in Bath.
Question...
Q: How many people does it take to answer a question on an online forum?
A: Fourteen. Three to inform you that they have the same problem but that they don't know the answer, two to tell you that they have completely different problems, one to question why you want an answer anyway and suggest that you should do something else, one to come up with a feeble pun, one to come up with personal abuse, two to hijack the topic, two to openly admit that they don't know the answer but who proceed to offer you advice anyway, one to tell you to switch it off and back on again, then one more to declare that the question has been answered and that the thread is now closed.
Granwrap
A new startup company in Oldham has come up with a revolutionary new system to save energy and enable people to remain warm throughout the winter months.
"We're aiming this primarily at older people," said spokesthing Barry Dangler. "Partly because that is where there is the greatest need, but mostly because they don't move about as much, which is kind of vital to how this thing works."
The new 'Granwrap' system involves wrapping the individual in a thick rubberised sheet, impregnated with 'Gransulate', a revolutionary new substance which retards the transmission of heat. The company admits that although initial test have proved that the system works, test subjects have reported that it is a uniquely unpleasant experience.
"Well, most test subjects," Mr Dangler points out. "There was one man in Grantham who seemed to get quite excited by the whole thing, but we reckon that he's just a statistical abnormality. Just a dirty, dirty, dirty little statistical abnormality. Anyway, we are working on improving the system by printing a tartan design on the sheet and including a slot near the mouth so that we can administer custard creams and toffees."
Old Clothes
Figures just released reveal that last year Trading Standards Officers raided over 60 high street outlets selling dangerously out-of-date clothes. "A lot of people think that it's okay to wear trousers that are a few days past their sell-by date, or that there's no harm slipping into a shirt that should have been worn a week ago," says Geoffrey Invoice of the Trading Standards Institute. "But if you do that, you're taking your life in your own hands."
Unfortunately, with household budgets becoming ever tighter, the temptation to buy cheap out-of-date apparel is growing. But Mr Invoice emphasises that it's not worth the risk, and urges consumers to make sure they check dates, look for evidence of tampering and, above all, avoid buying anything that smells funny.
"I've seen the havoc that dodgy clothing can cause," he tells us. "And underwear is particularly dangerous. The figures don't lie: out-of-date socks cause over 200 casualties a year. And in 2013 our officers received a record number of complaints concerning dangerously abrasive Y-fronts. But if you're still not persuaded, think back to March when that poor man was all over the papers after buying a faulty vest. He might have thought he was getting a bargain at the time, but then he never reckoned on getting his nipples blown off, did he?"
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