Downloading Sausages off of the Internet
Simon Cocksure, an amateur inventor from some Godforsaken provincial wasteland in the West Midlands, has invented a machine that enables you to download sausages off of the internet.
"It makes sausages!" Mr Cocksure told us at the launch of his new invention this week. The gadget, which is probably an extension of current 3d printer technology, or something, runs on four triple-A batteries and, when connected to your PC via a USB cable, can download up to three different types of sausages from a specialist sausage website in Germany.
We asked Mr Cocksure whether he thought that his new gadget would revolutionise computer-based meat products. "It makes sausages!" he told us as he demonstrated his gadget to the three local reporters and the photographer from the Walsall Advertiser who had gathered in his garage.
Experts predict that this is only the beginning for this remarkable new technology and confidently expect that in the not too distant future, people with too much time on their hands will be able to download as many as nine different meat products to their PC, laptop or phone, as well as printing out pasties using a special attachment that plugs into the cigarette lighter socket on their cars.
And no one is more excited about this than Simon Cocksure. He was positively vibrating with excitement as he took us to one side and confidentially told us, "It makes sausages!" Bless him.
Accidental Cheese
Trading standards officers were recently called to a shop in Caerphilly following complaints that the owner had been selling damaged cheese. Officers found several cheeses that should have been withdrawn from sale following accidents, including a Brie that was known to have been involved in a pileup on the M6, a Roquefort written off after an electrical fire and the front half of a Stilton that had been welded to the back section of a slab of Red Leicester , and was being passed off as new brand of exotic goats' cheese.
The Mona Lisa in Japanese
For five hundred years, Leonardo Da Vinci's famed Mona Lisa has enchanted art experts and layman alike. But this year a £200m project will open up its mysteries to new audiences as the priceless Italian artwork is translated into French, German and Japanese.
"What most people don't realise is that the Mona Lisa is painted in quite an obscure dialect," said exhibition curator Monique La Peinture. "So this project is designed to make the painting far more accessible to the vast numbers of our visitors who are not sixteenth century Italians."
The scheme is the culmination of six years' work, during which time the team have developed revolutionary new techniques in the fields of art-cryptology and language paint. And now, following the success of this initiative, plans are being laid for a colour edition of Don Quixote and a 3D version of Handel's Water Music.
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