Customers Unhappy with New Bullshit Filter
We're not getting through to our staff, say business leaders.
There has been a steep rise in complaints following Microsoft's introduction of a new bullshit filter on Outlook. This has mostly affected their business customers, who are reporting that many of their emails are no longer reaching their destinations.
Matt Plankton, Head of Corporate Niceness at Frisbee Digitally Tracked Logistical Interface Solutions, sends out a weekly wellbeing email to all staff, designed to empower and inspire them, usually by sharing vacuous and trite motivational memes culled from social media. He reports that he has been unable to send these emails for the last three weeks and he is worried that employees may become dangerously unmotivated.
Meanwhile, Suzy Canker, Senior Lead in Organisational Deference at Cooper's Multi-Phased Intelligent Deficit Analysis Systems told us that she is important enough to have a contact within the software giant who provided her with the direct contact details for 'someone high up'.
"I emailed this person - I'm not at liberty to divulge their identity - and explained, quite firmly, that this so-called 'bullshit filter' was interfering with the performance synergy of our stratified management vectors and seriously impacting the overall referencing windows applied sequentially to our kennel terrace funnelling artichoke," she told us. "Unfortunately," she admitted, "my email doesn't seem to have got through."
Ballroom Dancing Dogged by Safety Concerns
Ballroom dancing has taken off big time in recent years, due in part to TV shows like Antiques Roadshow, Countryfile and, I don't know, CSI Miami or some shit like that. Anyway, safety campaigners are now whining that many people taking up the pastime are not made fully aware of the dangers that road-mending machinery poses to unwary dancers.
The concerns follow recently released statistics, which appear to show that last year more than two hundred people were seriously injured by road rollers whilst ballroom dancing. Although the accuracy of this data has been hotly contested, safety whingers nevertheless advise that anyone finding themselves with nothing better to do than going for a bop round the ballroom or a prance round the palais should invest in a hard hat, a pair of sturdy boots and a high-visibility jacket (sequins optional).
However, Lenny Tango, president of the UK Ballroom Dancing Association, does not necessarily endorse this view. "Bollocks," he told us. "There's absolutely nothing to worry about. Ballroom dancing is perfectly safe as long as people behave sensibly and leave their road rollers at home when they come out dancing."
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