Going to all the trouble of discovering mutual interests, finding topics for discussion, remembering birthdays and arranging get-togethers. Hmmm, it's a problem. Especially if, like me, you're a miserable, bitter, resentful misanthrope who hates the world, despises company and wishes everybody would just fuck off and leave you alone. Wouldn't it be great if you could just grow your friends from seed, nurture them and train them to behave exactly the way you want them to behave? Hey, well guess what? Now you can!
Each packet of Instant David seeds contains four hundred potential friends just waiting to spring to life. Just plant in approximately six inches of compost, water liberally and wait for mother nature to do her work. Before very long you'll have a fine crop of best buddies just waiting to be harvested.
No more sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring! No more going to the pub on your own! With Instant Davids you can have your very own gang of mates for a fraction of the cost of real friends. And you'll never be caught talking to yourself on the bus into town ever again!
WARNING: standard packets of Instant Davids may contain rogue Colins and trace elements of Darren. Contents may settle in transit. Buddygrow cannot be held responsible in the event that your new friend turns out to be a twat.
Get those wonky flappers fixed
Eradicate the shame of thinning nose hair
Maisy Donnington is your guide to the wonderful world of cheese
Visit the Toast Museum in Stoke-on-Trent!
Acclaim for new venture.
I've always thought that the best way of staying alive is 'not to die'.
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