Operation Scorched Earth

Chief Inspector Wilbur Violence of the Essex police force has been in the news following the introduction of his latest radical anti-crime initiative.

"We've experienced a sharp increase in burglaries during the past couple of years," the Chief Inspector told us. "Hello, yes? Well, these naughty chappies have been breaking into people's houses and having it away with their valuables, don't you know. Well, we can't be having that - not if they're not prepared to cut us in. So that's why we here in the Essex constabulation have initiated Operation Scorched Earth."

Crime prevention

The emphasis of Operation Scorched Earth is on crime prevention rather than detection. Householders are invited to take their property down to their local police station, where trained crime prevention officers will carefully note down serial numbers and distinguishing features, mark the item with a special ultraviolet pen, then incinerate it will a heavy duty flame thrower.

Policeman

"The idea behind Scorched Earth is that if you remove the temptation, you remove the likelihood of crime," the Chief Inspector explained. "Thank you, yes? You see, your criminal type is a smart fellow. He's not going to waste time and energy breaking into your house if he knows your stereo's been reduced to a pile of ashes. Oh no - the street value of a bag of ashes is practically nothing. We know this, because we've done a survey."

Remarkable success

The operation has so far proved to be a remarkable success, slashing the number of burglaries in the area. So successful, in fact, that the Chief Inspector plans to extend the scheme for another six months.

"We're not going to rest until we have completely eliminated the threat of burglaration from our streets," he told us. "Or at least, not until we've come to some sort of arrangement regarding percentages, anyway. Thank you very much."

Return to Archive 3

coin

Get access to our library for just £1!
14 books for you to download, including all our annuals and the EXCLUSIVE members-only Private Bits.

books

Click Here to get your download link.

Close

Private Bits

Private Bits

This 70-page PDF is packed full of silly stuff you won't find anywhere else.

Download here for just £1.

The UBO Annual 2021

The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2021

Order via Amazon UK

Order via Amazon US

Stupid Stories

Stupid Stories

Order via Amazon UK

Order via Amazon US

The UBO Annual 2020

The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2020

Order via Amazon UK

Order via Amazon US

The UBO Annual 2018

The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2018

Order via Amazon UK

Order via Amazon US

The UBO Annual 2017

The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2017

Order via Amazon UK

Order via Amazon US

UBO Vol 1

The University of the Bleeding Obvious Vol 1

Order via Amazon UK

Order via Amazon US

UBO Vol 2

The University of the Bleeding Obvious Vol 2

Order via Amazon UK

Order via Amazon US

 

InstagramFacebookTwitter
Twitchers can enjoy high definition birds in 12 billion colours
Theft of town exposed as a hoax.
A military history.
The easy way to divert funds
The origins of a classic Sci-fi franchise
...for Outstanding Celebrity Without Really Doing Very Much
Revenue collection is an evolving art
Bid to reclassify donkeys as vegetables.
Surprising results from survey.

 

Standard British NunsTeaching Carrots to FlyStandard British NunsExtreme Dinosaurs

 

The Bleeding Obvious Prime Time Gameshow Generator

Latest blog entries...

28 September 2021: The Sandwich: #107

27 September 2021: The Sandwich: #106

26 September 2021: The Sandwich: #105