Good evening. My name is Malcolm England and today I want to talk to you about British Gas.
Now, I'm sure that you, like me, remember a time when British Gas wasn't just a name; when British Gas was so much more than something that whooshed through your pipes to heat your homes and fry your sausages. British sausages, mind - none of your nasty continental offal tubes. A proper British Banger for a proper British bloke.
No, British Gas was a symbol of everything that was good about the British way of life. It was constant, it was dependable and it was 95% methane.
But then something terrible happened to our beloved British Gas. And what was that? Deregulation, that's what. The temple doors were thrown open and suddenly the energy market was exposed to competition from every Tom, Dick and Harriet wanting to peddle whatever filthy muck passed for gas in their own neck of the woods.
All of that dirty, nasty, smelly, foreign gas came flooding into the country, mixing with our own and making it impure and greasy and difficult to light.
Beautiful British sausages
So where are we today? What happens now when you turn on your oven to cook your beautiful British sausages?
You see, ever since deregulation, you never know whose gas is going to get piped into your home. It could be from France, Germany, Italy, Russia or a million other places. Horrible nasty euro-gas, ladies and gentlemen, which has been proven to give you asthma and interfere with your pets.
'Experts' will tell you that it doesn't really matter where the gas comes from. 'Experts' will tell you that it's all the same, formed from organic matter that was compressed deep in the Earth millions of years ago.
Of course, most rational people realise that this is nonsense, and that gas was created by Jesus. We also know that foreign gas is lazy, deceitful, greedy and workshy. After all, it stands to reason that if your gas has come all the way from 'Bongo Bongo Land' it's going to be too puffed out to be of any use by the time it gets to you.
So what I say to you is let's keep British Gas British! The British Gas Party is the only party that is committed to sending foreign gas back where it came from.
Vote British Gas!