Once again we welcome award-winning blogger, bestselling self-published author and antique jelly mould smuggler Maisy Donnington with some more of her award-winning, self-published lifestyle tips.

 

 

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Maisy Donnington Writes...

How to Beat Stress

Hello There

Maisy Donnington here and this time I'm going to talk to you about stress. If you're suffering from stress, my advice to you is not to get worked up about it. Whenever you feel yourself getting anxious, simply stop worrying and everything will be all right. Easy!

Emotional instability

Of course, many people lack the ability to suppress their innate emotional instability and psychological dread with the overwhelming force of their unshakeable iron will. Mrs Bradshaw at the chemist's, for example. Whenever she gets into a tizz I find that a few sharp slaps across the face does a world of good. Even if Mrs Bradshaw herself doesn't feel the benefit, I at least find it a wonderful way of releasing tension.

In fact, random acts of viciousness, abuse and general mischief are really a most effective way of discharging pent-up energy and I believe that it's absolutely essential to let off a little steam now and then.

Most of you are not award-winning bloggers, like what I am, so you won't appreciate how gruelling it is to be tied to your keyboard for anything up to two hours a week, churning out articles on bringing up kids, wacky pets or those oh-so-important lifestyle lists. Keeping my many followers mildly entertained with a never-ending succession of witty brain-spurts is a task of almost Dickensian hardship.

So, if you've been staring at that screen all morning, it's so important to recharge your batteries by taking ten minutes every now and then to be unnecessarily cruel and/or irritating.

My neighbour's cat

One of the things I like to do is throw things at my neighbour's cat. I've got a really good view from my window and I can easily see it messing in my rose bed.

I keep an assortment of suitable items on my desk so that I can pick up something and throw it whenever the mood takes me - old boots, plant pots, unwanted ornaments and a ceremonial assegai that a relative brought back from Africa.

You should see the look on the filthy moggy's face when that thing comes hurtling through the air and thuds into the ground right where its backside has been just moments before. Priceless.

Obscene phone calls

Inevitably, there is a limit to how much fun you can get out of persecuting domestic animals, so it's important to keep your routine varied.

For example, I have recently taken up making obscene phone calls, a pursuit which I find tremendously satisfying. There is, I must add, nothing frivolous or witty about these calls. I realise that there is a vogue for so-called 'prank' calls in which the recipient is made to appear foolish or absurd. I find such activities to be quite childish, which is why I limit my communications to pure abuse and threats of extreme violence.

It really is most cathartic and I would heartily recommend you give it a try. I find that if I spend maybe one or two hours in the morning making disgusting and unpleasant calls to random strangers, what follows is usually a really productive afternoon.

Neighbour

I say 'random strangers', but in truth most of these calls end up being to my neighbour.

He, of course, has lately become extremely stressed, and inevitably this has more than a little to do with my ongoing hate campaign. It's a shame of course, and I really feel for the man, but whenever I start feeling anxious about it I simply nip out and slash the tyres on his car and the feeling goes away.

After all, there's no point in losing sleep over it, is there?

 

 

Taken from The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2016

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