"The trolley nudged my arm as I was cruising past the tinned vegetable section. It was just a glancing blow, and I hardly noticed it at the time. It didn't break the skin, didn't even bruise, so I thought no more about it. But several weeks later, after seeing an advert for The Trivial Accident Group, I suddenly remembered that I had been having nightmares about the incident and had been unable to sleep for some time. Well, I came over all litigious. The Trivial Accident Group took up my case, and successfully sued the supermarket for £20,000."
"I was showing a young couple around a property on the outskirts of town - a rather desirable, three-bedroomed detached house with ample scope for improvement and easy access to local amenities. As I was demonstrating the spaciousness of the attractive dining-kitchen, which had a magnificent outlook over nearby parkland, the husband remarked to his wife that my tie clashed horribly with my shirt. Even today I can hear their mocking laughter ringing in my ears."
Mr Grabb was awarded half a million pounds, and secured a custodial sentence for the young man who made the hurtful remark.
"It was an extremely close call," Mr Bent tells us softly, still struggling to come to terms with the horrific event. "It was lucky for me that I was nowhere near the place at the time. In fact, I wasn't even in the country. But I often shudder when I think what might have happened had I been at that service station that night, instead of up to my neck in complimentary champagne and hired pussy in a five-star hotel in Kuala Lumpa. But for the intervention of fate, I might have received a very nasty bump on the nose."
Thanks to our intervention, Mr Bent won damages of four million, million pounds, and was invited to watch as the manager of the service station was kneecapped, nailed the underside of a flatbed truck and driven to Leipzig.
Now at last you can insure yourself against videogame accidents. Of course, money can never fully compensate for the loss when these accidents occur, but the next time you sprain an ankle on Mario Tennis, or get critically wounded on Half Life, it can make living with tragedy that little bit more tolerable.
Have you ever been fondled whilst
standing in the queue at McDonalds?
Has your personal space been invaded in the workplace?
Perhaps you've been nonced up in the back row of your local cinema?
Mathew Sandblaster-Trogg has not stopped bouncing since 1972
Quick Rod Stewart and Enya...
This month at the community centre
Mrs Stenchtrouser's quest to make the mythical beast presentable
Some of the cheeses detailed may be entirely fictitious.
21 March 2017: Hypnotic Wipes to Tackle Information Leakage
16 March 2017: Space Junk
14 March 2017: Ladder Ordeal Enters Sixteenth Hour