WWW UBO
Bunting The Shepton Bassett Parish Fete

In aid of the St Tiddles in the Font Restoration Fund

Saturday 22nd May

Thanks to the phenomenal success of last years' event, we were able to generate sufficient funds for a new church roof. We hope to repeat that performance this year and raise enough money to build a church to go under it.

As before, the fete will once again be held at the old rectory, courtesy of the old rector, and a thrilling schedule of events is planned, including:

Bishop Tossing

His Grace the Bishop of Shepton Parva has once again volunteered to be tossed, and has asked us to say that he really is looking forward to it immensely, having thoroughly enjoyed being tossed last year.

Formation Muck Spreading

We are delighted to welcome the world famous Red Shovels Synchronised Muck Spreading Team. The shit is due to start flying at around 10am. Don't miss it, but be sure to bring a change of clothing because we guarantee that they won't miss you.

Balloons

Guess the Weight of the Butcher

This year's butcher is Cyril Flank from Flank's Premium Offal in the high street, and we understand that he has been especially fattening himself up in anticipation of the event.

The Wonky Teeth Competition

An old favourite returns to the event in spite of last year's controversy, in which the winner was disqualified after it emerged he had been laying about his choppers with half a house brick. New rules will ensure that no entries are masonry-assisted.

Kiddies' Painting Competition

One for the under-14s with an artistic bent. This year they will be asked to paint the old railway viaduct, and if there's any paint left over, the railings in the memorial gardens could do with a touch up.

Bouncing Bonny Baby Competition

Seven feet eight inches is the record to beat, set in 2014 by the McAlisters' youngest. Entrants are reminded that rubber nappies, although not officially banned, are nevertheless not within the spirit of the competition.

Frog Racing

One of the highlights of the day. The reigning champion is Slimy Albert, a bullfrog belonging to Liam Kronkite. Liam is confident that Slimy Albert will retain his crown and says that for the last few months he has been sticking to a special diet of high-protein flies and has spent at least three hours a day hopping round the park, croaking furiously. He didn't say what the frog has been up to.

Non-Homing Pigeon Display

To round off the day we have been lucky enough to have secured the Woolchester Non-Homing Pigeon Display Team. They will provide a spectacular finale, releasing a flock of 400 prize racing pigeons in the main arena, which will circle the showground, swoop majestically over the awestruck spectators, then bugger off never to be seen again.

Plus, a broad selection of fascinating stalls and attractions, including:

Fergus Pong's Petting Zoo

Incorporating three dead rats, half a dozen tins of salmon and a pork chop.

Whack-A-Mole

In response to animal rights concerns, the mole has now also been given a mallet, and will be invited to whack you back.

Raffle

The year's top prize is a parking space behind the Co-op for two weeks in august.

Experimental Dentistry

If highly dangerous and controversial dental techniques are your thing, then you'll be delighted to learn that Dr Phineas P Bloodbath will be on hand in the butchery tent, pending his successful parole hearing.

Crystal Healing

Madame Hermione Platter will heal all your cracked and broken crystals. She can also unlock your phone, cut you a spare set of keys, worm your dog and realign your tracking.

Coconut Shy

Come and see some of the most timid, bashful and reticent coconuts currently in captivity.

Hall of Windows

Visit the mesmerising Hall of Windows. Look through windows of all shapes and sizes, look at all sorts of stuff that's on the other side of the windows and perhaps even catch sight of whoever made off with all the mirrors.

Tent