Special beauty therapies for very special people
Our comprehensively trained and rehabilitated beauty experts provide a prestige service, offering a range of uplifting and spiritually nourishing treatments. Our premises have been fully rewired so you can relax in a safe, hazard-free environment that has now been declared 'satisfactory' by the local health and safety department. Be confident that all the recommendations resulting from the recent accident have now been actioned. Your safety is one of our top five concerns.
Treatments and Prices
Laser flesh removal - only 3 casualties this year £20 per lb
New from Europe - Psionic fluff tweasering £18
Deep shaft ear mining £49 (scaffolding extra)
Limescale removal £10
Advanced chemical peeling (caution, solution may react explosively with some skin types) £24
The new wonder treatment - Ultra-purple light stimulation Scientifically proven by scientists at CERN. £79 for first session, £59 per session thereafter.
Seaweed Whip with Deep Tissue Pummelling and fried rice £12. No refunds
Mike and Bernie Winters £10 each or £18 the pair
Lip scrub and wax £8 per lip, up to a total of 9 lips
Hole punching (with or without stretching) £14
Electrostatic flesh tightening and butt clenching £33, plus standard insurance premium
Filling and Replastering £58 Please supply your own ladders.
Hip realignment and joint lubrication £98
Pneumatic expansion therapy (some leakage is to be expected) £75 o.n.o.
Megavolt neutron bombardment:
Face and neck £20
Back, sack and crack £30
Fish chips and peas £48.50
Face jacking £15-£25 depending on weight of face
Fully Integrated Goat Milking System £12.99
Sub-mitochondrial dermo-detoxification sifting (Tuesdays only) £How does a tenner sound?
Book your FREE consultation with Dirty Mavis
Read what some of our surviving customers say:
"I was glad when it was all over."
"Nobody will tell us what happened to our Susan. She hasn't been seen since March."
"I am still unable to cross my legs."
"I've never been, but I don't really think they can be as bad as people say they are."
"My teeth hurt."
Let our new apprentice nail technician have a go at your cuticles. 10% off.
Call today and get free entry to our meat raffle. Lamb chops!
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