Yes indeed! Away with everyday traffic jams, be gone tiresome railway waiting rooms and congested bus terminals, with DOCTOR GLORIA PLANKTON's new flying course it's Hello Blue Skies as you soar gracefully through the heavens like something that soars gracefully through the heavens quite a lot.
DOCTOR GLORIA PLANKTON says: "With my course FLYING CAN BE FUN!"
The good doctor has spent many years in a mud hut in Bolivia contemplating the trials and tribulations of daily commuting - and also eating a lot of strange pink beans - and has reached many fascinating conclusions.
"I discovered that eating strange pink beans gives you guts ache," says THE DOCTOR. "I also discovered that as far as transport is concerned we can take a lesson from nature. Look at the animals of the forest, frolicking about and eating each other just as nature intended.
"They don't have to worry about traffic jams and airport delays, do they? Let us take as our example the humble worm. He seems a happy little fellow, doesn't he? That's because to get from one place to another all he has to do is wriggle.
"You may well scoff, but when have you ever heard of a worm being involved in a pile-up on the M4? A great many people believe that worms do untold damage to their private parts by dragging them along the ground, but this is not the case. Worms wriggle along on their backs with their genitals in the air, where they are fairly safe until the birds come and peck at them."
DOCTOR GLORIA PLANKTON has spent much time in particular studying the flying squirrels of South America, who originally took to the air because they were fed up with having their nuts trodden on whilst scampering about the forest floor.
NOW YOU TOO CAN LEARN TO FLY LIKE A SQUIRREL!
DOCTOR PLANKTON has devised a special course, which will help YOU to fly like a squirrel. However, it must be understood that the ability to fly is not something that is easily mastered. Hanging in mid-air is not a position that many people find naturally comfortable, and it should be recognised that although the position is relatively easy to achieve, it is much more difficult to maintain.
Potential aviators should be warned now that the way to becoming airborne is not paved with comfy chairs and scatter cushions. Oh no, indeed not. It is a path of disappointment and hard knocks - knocks that become increasingly harder as you gain altitude.
For those of you who are already disillusioned or doubtful, then read on no further. Soaring in the slipstreams and riding the thermals is not the life for you. But for those of you who take the view that flying into the side of a house at forty knots is nothing but a drop in the wide ocean of pain and anguish, then ENROL NOW FOR THE FULL COURSE!
After the 12th lesson we GUARANTEE you will:
- be able to speak the squirrel language and understand the sounds of the forest
- learn how to crack open nuts using only your teeth and a small grenade
- be able to fly (generally in a sort of downwards direction)