Lincoln - Derby
Ongoing delays due to a train pulling into the station upside down.
Express Saver Nottingham - Manchester
Reduced headroom on this service. Tall passengers are advised to find an alternative route.
Grantham - Norwich Local Service
Train currently lost somewhere in Norfolk.
Norwich - Grantham Local Service
Train sent to look for the Grantham-Norwich train. This train is also now missing.
Sheffield - London
All services rerouted via Glasgow due to bricked-up tunnel.
Liverpool - Bristol
Services are experiencing delays due to cowboys on the line.
Penzance - Birmingham
Delays due to speed reductions. We have had to slow the trains down because the passengers kept falling out as it was going round corners.
Coventry - Coventry
Delays due to train taking a wrong turn and ending up back where it came from.
Halifax - Swansea
Reduced timetable due to printing costs.
Bristol - Southampton
Train failed to stop and kept on going into the sea. Service delayed while we dry it out.
Leeds - Edinburgh
Delayed because driver stopped to pick up a prescription.
Chester - York
Cancelled due to odd-looking passenger. We hope to resume service as soon as this passenger has been humanely exploded by the bomb squad.
Colchester - Peterborough
All trains are currently out of service while they have their horns retuned. Also, the thing that makes the 'clickety-clack' noise is being re-greased.
Dover - Warwick
Some trains currently undergoing an existential crisis and may arrive confused and emotionally drained. Delays likely while they sort themselves out.
South-East - All routes
Most services rerouted due to feng shui.
Walsal - York
Train rerouted to Blackpool because the train driver's daughter wanted to go to the seaside.
Gateshead - All inbound services
All inbound services will now terminate at Durham, as Gateshead station has been stolen.
Stoke-on-Trent - Worcester
Trains rerouted because some carriages on the 10.30 service swelled up and got stuck in a tunnel.
Rotherham - Sunderland
Eaten by wolves.
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