If you've got nothing better to do and you're interested in getting a cheaply printed certificate in a made up discipline which will be of no earthly use to you, then you've come to the right place. We offer a full range of pseudo-academic subjects and frivolous arts and crafts courses.

Enrolling couldn't be simpler - seriously, we've tried to make it simpler, but we were getting nowhere. So take a look at the courses we have starting this term and then give us a call to receive our 48-page application manual.

Dog Bothering

This 12-week course is suitable for beginners looking to embark on a career in annoying small animals as well as those who have some experience but are looking for a formal qualification. Students begin by learning how to aggravate a terrier before moving on to frustrating a whippet, vexing a Labrador and finally learning how to satisfactorily enrage of borzoi.

Home Dentistry

Learn how to treat the majority of dental issues for a fraction of the cost of professional treatment, using everyday materials found in the home. This course demystifies basic orthodontic techniques, giving you the confidence to perform extractions, fillings and advanced root canal work on your family and friends using tools, adhesives and implements that can be found in any kitchen, shed or garage.

Build Your Own Horse

Over 16 weeks you'll learn how to assemble a fully working horse from its constituent parts. Begin by assembling the limbs, chassis and basic musculature before progressing to plumbing in major organs and wiring complex neurological connections. Students are advised to equip themselves with rubber gloves and a sturdy pair of boots.

Flour Arranging

Master the art of creating beautiful and innovative displays using a variety of plain, self-raising and wholemeal flours.

Sports Science

Study the psychology and application of performance-related systems formulated to enhance physical achievement in a wide range of sporting endeavours on this fully accredited course. Sports Science isn't actually a thing, but you will still get a certificate at the end of it.

Intermediate Hospitality

At the end of this 12-week course you will have learnt to be moderately hospitable to a reasonable number of people. Certainly, you'll be more cordial than you would have been had you plumped for the beginner's course, but obviously not anywhere near as welcoming as you would if you had completed the Advanced Hospitality course.

Doing Impressions of Sir Michael Caine

Ever wanted to do impressions of Sir Michael Caine to a professional standard? This 18-week course has been designed especially to teach people who want to do impressions of Sir Michael Caine to do impressions of Sir Michael Caine and is taught by people who do high quality impressions of Sir Michael Caine on a semi-professional basis.

Second Degree Fun

Suitable for students who have already completed their First Degree Fun, this course is intended to take Fun to the next level and is a primer for Advanced Fun, in which the Fun never ends.

Practical Swearing

Learn how to swear like a *!@*ing trooper in a range of %!*#ing situations. This 6-week #@**ing course is taught by one of the country's biggest *@!!, who will show you how to @!*#!!, **!@# and @#*!ing well !!!! like a %#*!@ !!@*#*% @%**#. No @!#*ing refunds, you !#*@.

Advanced Fax

Suitable for language students who already have a working knowledge of Fax, this course aims to equip learners with the ability to converse fluently with a wide selection of Fax machines of various makes and models, from the simple Duo-Tone Medium-Resolution Easy-Send to the CyberFax Hyperfibre Multi-channel Auto Deskpod, and possibly some others we've made up as well.

Creative Hoovering

Develop your creative hoovering skills in a series of workshops designed to explore your inner cleaner and help you to express yourself via vacuuming. The course is delivered by the celebrated Guy Parker, recognised by the art world as one of the top hooverers of his generation, having cleaned, amongst other places, the Scottish National Gallery, the Tate Gallery and the Yorkshire Sculpture park (alternate Saturdays).

Awareness

This course will teach you the basic techniques of awareness and is a foundation course for advanced appreciation.

Excuseology

Learn how to come up with the perfect excuse. The course is divided into three modules. Module 1: I didn't do it; Module 2: Somebody else did it; Module 3: Somebody else is doing it so it's ok if I do it.

Pasta Weaving

Learn how to use a variety of different pastas to create beautiful furniture and homeware. This ancient and ingenious art form is rarely practised outside the Italian province of Brescia and the artefacts you will create are sure to become a talking point with family and friends. Seriously, who else can boast that they've got a sideboard made out of spaghetti?

Advanced Cloning

Create multiple clones of yourself to carry out routine and mundane everyday tasks. Students are advised that a separate registration fee will be due for each iteration of themselves that they create and that costs are therefore likely to rise exponentially over the course of the programme.

Anti-Cooking

Learn how to disassemble a Battenberg, reduce a soufflé to its component parts and reverse-engineer a lasagne. Bring your own spoon.

If you would like more information call 78411654 464654654 and ask about enrolling on our 'Getting More Information' course.