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Gentlemen's Etiquette

Being a brief summary of matters of convention to be observed by all men of character.

A posh gent

It is sad to note that we appear to live in an age of impropriety, boorishness and general discourtesy.

That the greater portion of mankind has descended to the level of the loutish mob is deeply regrettable.  Drunken lasciviousness, rampant hedonism and unconscionable carnality may be fun, oh yes, but can we really respect ourselves in the morning?

There are certain standards and protocols that have become lost to us in this modern era of underage drinking, split crotch panties and salt and vinegar flavoured peanuts.  I propose a return to these ideals, and to this end I would like to submit the following: examples of etiquette copied from a dated volume found whilst clearing out my grandfather's study.

My hope is that society may be encouraged to readopt these principals, and that we may all be the better for it.

  • A gentleman must never expose his penis before 4.30pm.
  • When late for a meeting it is considered polite to arrive dressed as a spaceman and riding a pig or small donkey.
  • People who live in odd numbered houses should retire to bed early on the third Tuesday in every month.
  • When inserting jam up a lady's nostrils, the considerate gentleman always warms the spoon.
  • Trousers should always be worn below the waist.
  • In the summer months, when it is excessively hot, a gentlemen may be excused a collar, but it is still considered extremely discourteous for him to roll up his carpets.
  • Widdling in your young niece's soup is not a sign of familial affection.
  • When being slapped silly by an elderly aunt, it is considered sporting to let her have two or three good swings at you before you smack her in the mouth.
  • Audible farts should never be applauded, unless accompanied by a chorus of the national anthem.
  • Wind instruments should never be given on the occasion of an engagement, although a trumpet makes a perfectly adequate gift for a 21st birthday.
  • It is customary to seek the advice of a bishop before suspending a verger by their nipples.
  • It is the height of bad manners to light one's cigar from a burning hat.
  • A gentleman never fouls himself upwind of a waitress.
  • At dinner parties it is considered impolite to sit in the middle of the table, stark bollock naked, ladling soup over oneself and whistling 'Land of Hope and Glory'.   This sort of behaviour should be confined to the gentleman's club.
  • A gentleman never wears his hat in the bath.
  • Whilst abroad, a gentleman should never go swimming without a tie.
  • It is perfectly acceptable for a gentleman to headbut unruly children in the absence of their parents.
  • It is discourteous to belch in a built-up area after 7pm.
  • When meeting a lady for the first time, a gentleman's head should remain attached to his body at all times.  Autonomous decapitation should be reserved for subsequent assignations, and then only when a close relative is in attendance to act as chaperone.
  • A respectable gent would never attend a lunch engagement wearing a chicken on his head.   Such arrant tomfoolery is not tolerated by polite society, and it is not something that the chicken particularly looks forward to either.
  • Never eat lemons on a Saturday.
  • Ramming a snooker cue up your sister-in-law's nose is frowned upon in most parts of Greater Manchester.
  • In most cheap brothels it is customary to pass the floozy to the right.

and finally

  • Generally speaking, it is not considered suitable for a man of ambition to spend twenty years of his life sitting in a shed at the bottom of his garden, learning to lick his own elbows.  So cut it out, okay?

 

Appendix A1

Stopping Distances

Being a brief illumination of the vexed question of how close a Gentleman should get to a Lady?

One of the most important aspects of social intercourse concerns the tricky issue of proximity.

In other words, how close should a gentleman, fellow or 'bloke' get to a lady, and what sort of behaviour is appropriate at particular distances?

The following chart will help you to decide upon the correct etiquette to adopt at most social events, although it must be noted that this is only a rough guide, and must be modified according to different circumstances - e.g. depending on the formality of the occasion, the relationship of the individual parties, and how wet it is.

Illustration of Stopping Distances
Over Half a mile

At this sort of range any kind of social intercourse is extremely tricky.  Many people consider shouting over such distances, but this is not only a strain on the vocal chords, it is also considered impolite by most modern social commentators.  If there is a clear line of sight then a system of semaphore may be employed, but only if the two parties have been formally introduced.

Half a mile - 100 feet

This is still quite a distance over which to carry out anything but the most perfunctory of conversations.  A wave of the hand is usually all that I would recommend, although it is quite acceptable to converse on such general topics as the weather or the lavishness of the venue, by means of hand signals, pointing and exaggerated facial expressions.

100 - 10 feet

We're looking now at the possibility of sustaining a viable level of polite conversation.  Suitable topics may include the flat racing season, the Royal Family or the keeping of tropical fish.  Enquiries after the health of the lady's family are considered polite, but a gentleman should avoid entering into too much detail regarding embarrassing boils, dietary conditions and congenital defects.

10 - 5 feet

Conversation at these sort of ranges can cover subjects of a more personal nature.   A gentleman might, for instance, choose to compliment a lady on the suitability of her hat, the bouquet of her perfume or the size of her feet.  Some embarrassed giggling is also allowed, but drooling should be kept to a minimum.

5-1 feet

Oh yes!  Nearly there.  We are now in a region where actual physical contact is a distinct possibility - the ideal distance, in fact, for some formal stroking to take place.  Take heed, however, that downstairs contact is not necessarily a given and a gentleman must remember that this is also the ideal distance for the administration of retaliatory slappage.

0 feet

Ground Zero - wheyheyhey!  At this range the exchange of bodily fluids would seem almost inevitable.  However, there is always the danger that by the time the gentleman has reached this point, the lady will have already left.  Hey ho, such is life.