Being a brief summary of matters of convention
to be observed by all men of character.
It is sad to note that we appear to live in an age of impropriety,
boorishness and general discourtesy. That the greater portion of mankind has
descended to the level of the loutish mob is deeply regrettable. Drunken
lasciviousness, rampant hedonism and unconscionable carnality may be fun, oh yes, but can
we really respect ourselves in the morning? There are certain standards and
protocols that have become lost to us in this modern era of underage drinking, split
crotch panties and salt and vinegar flavoured peanuts. I propose a return to these
ideals, and to this end I would like to submit the following: examples of etiquette copied
from a dated volume found whilst clearing out my grandfather's study. My hope is
that society may be encouraged to readopt these principals, and that we may all be the
better for it.
- A gentleman must never expose his penis before 4.30pm.
- When late for a meeting it is considered polite to arrive dressed
as a spaceman and riding a pig or small donkey.
- People who live in odd numbered houses should retire to bed early
on the third Tuesday in every month.
- When inserting jam up a lady's nostrils, the considerate gentleman
always warms the spoon.
- Trousers should always be worn below the waist.
- In the summer months, when it is excessively hot, a gentlemen may
be excused a collar, but it is still considered extremely discourteous for him to roll up
- Widdling in your young niece's soup is not a sign of familial
- When being slapped silly by an elderly aunt, it is considered
sporting to let her have two or three good swings at you before you smack her in the
- Audible farts should never be applauded, unless accompanied by a
chorus of the national anthem.
- Wind instruments should never be given on the occasion of an
engagement, although a trumpet makes a perfectly adequate gift for a 21st birthday.
- It is customary to seek the advice of a bishop before suspending a
woman by her nipples.
- It is the height of bad manners to light one's cigar from a
- A gentleman never fouls himself upwind of a waitress.
- At dinner parties it is considered impolite to sit in the middle
of the table, stark bollock naked, ladling soup over oneself and whistling 'Land of Hope
and Glory'. This sort of behaviour should be confined to the gentleman's club.
- A gentleman never wears his hat in the bath.
- Whilst abroad, a gentleman should never go swimming without a tie.
- It is perfectly acceptable for a gentleman to headbut unruly
children in the absence of their parents.
- It is discourteous to belch in a built-up area after 7pm.
- When meeting a lady for the first time, a gentleman's head should
remain attached to his body at all times. Decapitation should be reserved for
subsequent assignations, and then only when a close relative is in attendance to act as
- A respectable gent would never attend a lunch engagement wearing a
chicken on his head. Such arrant tomfoolery is not tolerated by polite society, and
it is not something that the chicken particularly looks forward to either.
- Never eat lemons on a Saturday.
- Ramming a snooker cue up your sister-in-law's nose is frowned upon
in most parts of Greater Manchester.
- In most cheap brothels it is customary to pass the floozy to the
- Generally speaking, it is not considered suitable for a man of
ambition to spend twenty years of his life sitting in a shed at the bottom of his garden,
learning to lick his own elbows. So cut it out, okay?
Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2004