Then you need to get in touch with us here at Bristletech Industries.
Over the last few years, Bristletech has supplied quality, pre-grown beards to over fifty thousand satisfied customers. And demand is growing. We already operate twenty large-scale beard farms in Europe and the Middle East, and this year we have plans to acquire eight more. Our largest covers over twenty acres on the outskirts of Milan and has recently received a special award from the Grand Council of Affiliated Whisker Inspectors.
Our secret? Well, it's really no secret at all. We sow our fields with top grade beard seed, water, nourish and wait for nature to do her work. When (and only when) the beards have ripened in the warm Mediterranean sun, we pick them and take them along to the stamping plant to be cut into shape. Finally, they are delicately finished by hand - trimmed, tinted and carefully combed, before being shipped out to department stores and boutiques all over the world. Whatever kind of beard you want, whether it's a sophisticated goatee, to a full blown fuzz-fest - we can supply exactly what you need.
How it works
Boffins at our top-secret clinical research lab high up in the Swiss Alps have brilliantly succeeded in genetically splicing human hair with common or garden rye grass.
Human hair that is versatile enough to be moulded to any style, and tough enough to grow anywhere. Our farms produce beards in six different colours, and in twelve different textures, ranging from Delicately Downy to Wild & Wiry.
Bristletech was formed in 1992 by our chairman, Sir Maurice Wigg, who recognised the need for affordable, easy to install ready-made beards. Sir Maurice, being a keen beard-grower himself, realised that many busy executives simply do not have time to grow beards of their own. By purchasing a fully-grown adult beard, the customer not only saves time and effort but can also choose from a wide variety of shapes and models to compliment his own lifestyle. And with none of the itchiness and uneven growth of traditional beards!
Tough, durable and fully machine washable, a Bristletech beard will last you a lifetime and make you the envy of your friends and colleagues
Available from all good stores
Order now and get a free pair of complimentary eyebrows, while stocks last!
Relax with Chickens
An essential guide to Military Sheep of WWII
The inner workings of nun manufacture
As of February 2012 The University of the Bleeding Obvious comprised over 300 pages. We realise this might make the site a little difficult to navigate, so here's some suggestions to help you get around.
Mouse over the graphic to select a section index, or use the drop down box.