A revolutionary new breakthrough in beard technology!
Men, do you need to grow a beard? Fast?

Then you need to get in touch with us here at Bristletech Industries.

Over the last few years, Bristletech has supplied quality, pre-grown beards to over fifty thousand satisfied customers. And demand is growing. We already operate twenty large-scale beard farms in Europe and the Middle East, and this year we have plans to acquire eight more. Our largest covers over twenty acres on the outskirts of Milan and has recently received a special award from the Grand Council of Affiliated Whisker Inspectors.

Our secret? Well, it's really no secret at all. We sow our fields with top grade beard seed, water, nourish and wait for nature to do her work. When (and only when) the beards have ripened in the warm Mediterranean sun, we pick them and take them along to the stamping plant to be cut into shape. Finally, they are delicately finished by hand - trimmed, tinted and carefully combed, before being shipped out to department stores and boutiques all over the world. Whatever kind of beard you want, whether it's a sophisticated goatee, to a full blown fuzz-fest - we can supply exactly what you need.

How it works

Follicle

The science...

Boffins at our top-secret clinical research lab high up in the Swiss Alps have brilliantly succeeded in genetically splicing human hair with common or garden rye grass.

The Result...

Human hair that is versatile enough to be moulded to any style, and tough enough to grow anywhere. Our farms produce beards in six different colours, and in twelve different textures, ranging from Delicately Downy to Wild & Wiry.

 

 

Bristletech
Building Our Business on a Firm Base

Bristletech was formed in 1992 by our chairman, Sir Maurice Wigg, who recognised the need for affordable, easy to install ready-made beards. Sir Maurice, being a keen beard-grower himself, realised that many busy executives simply do not have time to grow beards of their own. By purchasing a fully-grown adult beard, the customer not only saves time and effort but can also choose from a wide variety of shapes and models to compliment his own lifestyle. And with none of the itchiness and uneven growth of traditional beards!

 

Tough, durable and fully machine washable, a Bristletech beard will last you a lifetime and make you the envy of your friends and colleagues

Bristletech Industries

Available from all good stores
Order now and get a free pair of complimentary eyebrows, while stocks last!

 

Beard Catalogue

- click here to visit our online catalogue -

Return to Archive 3

The Annual 2017

FREE Download

Or read it online here.

Books and Free Downloads

The UBO Annual 2015 The UBO Annual 2016 The History of Rock The Bongo Lectures Kicking and Screaming Dead Peasants Recalled to Life UBO Volume 1 UBO Volume 2 Death Doom and Disaster Goldilocks and the Free Bears Find out more...


 

 

Promo Image

McDonalds opens in Atlantic

New outlet in the ocean.

Promo Image

So You've Got a New Manager?

Getting a new manager is a magical time for everyone involved. There's a brand new addition to your corporate family.

Promo Image

Extreme Dinosaurs

Coming this season to The Discovery Channel.

Promo Image

Historic Knees

Preserving the nation's heritage

Promo Image

Scientist Discovers Square Root of Green

Turns out that it's a slightly pallid shade of yellow.

Promo Image

DIY Olympics

Medals for UK wallpapering squad.

 

Teaching Carrots to FlyTeaching Carrots to FlyStandard British NunsExtreme Dinosaurs

 

Latest blog entries...

10 August 2017: Usherette Misses Out on Award Again

07 August 2017: Selling Crap for Fun and Profit

01 August 2017: Vapid

www.bleeding-obvious.co.uk