The new Flexi Mortem account from Scumm Financial gives you complete control over your money whenever and wherever you need it, in this world or the next. That's because we are the only bank that can guarantee access to your funds in the afterlife.
There's no fuss, no hidden fees. You can withdraw your money from any one of our seven hundred dedicated ATMs throughout heaven, purgatory and parts of limbo.
And if you can't get to our main branch - conveniently situated in the Seventh Circle of Hell, just next to Nando's - you can call our team of award-winning customer service mediums. They will be happy to respond to your query in a suitably vague and unconvincing manner.
The Flexi Mortem account is the ideal package for anyone who's planning on dying at some point in the future. It's flexible, it's convenient and if you apply today we'll send you a free shroud.
Offer subject to the survival of individual consciousness after death. Local exchange rates apply. In the event of reincarnation, customers are required to notify us in writing 14 days in advance of a change of identity. In the unlikely circumstances that the customer is unhappy with the product or with any aspect of our service, they should in the first instance pray to our complaints department, who will send a sign within 30 days and 30 nights. Should the customer still be unsatisfied they may escalate the dispute to the Financial Ombudsman or a religious adviser of their own choosing. Scumm Financial is a trading style of Beelzebub Holdings and is authorised and regulated by the Financial Services Authority, the Port Authority of New South Wales, NASA and Mrs Edna Womble of 42 The Mews, Hartlepool. Interested in selling your soul? Call in to your local branch and ask about our great trade-in deals.
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