Now you can take it with you

 

The new Flexi Mortem account from Scumm Financial gives you complete control over your money whenever and wherever you need it, in this world or the next. That's because we are the only bank that can guarantee access to your funds in the afterlife.

 

Flexi-Mortem

 

There's no fuss, no hidden fees. You can withdraw your money from any one of our seven hundred dedicated ATMs throughout heaven, purgatory and parts of limbo.

And if you can't get to our main branch - conveniently situated in the Seventh Circle of Hell, just next to Nando's - you can call our team of award-winning customer service mediums. They will be happy to respond to your query in a suitably vague and unconvincing manner.

 

 

Scumm Card

The Flexi Mortem account is the ideal package for anyone who's planning on dying at some point in the future. It's flexible, it's convenient and if you apply today we'll send you a free shroud.

 

Scumm Financial

We won't let death get in the way of making a few quid

Offer subject to the survival of individual consciousness after death. Local exchange rates apply. In the event of reincarnation, customers are required to notify us in writing 14 days in advance of a change of identity. In the unlikely circumstances that the customer is unhappy with the product or with any aspect of our service, they should in the first instance pray to our complaints department, who will send a sign within 30 days and 30 nights. Should the customer still be unsatisfied they may escalate the dispute to the Financial Ombudsman or a religious adviser of their own choosing. Scumm Financial is a trading style of Beelzebub Holdings and is authorised and regulated by the Financial Services Authority, the Port Authority of New South Wales, NASA and Mrs Edna Womble of 42 The Mews, Hartlepool. Interested in selling your soul? Call in to your local branch and ask about our great trade-in deals.

 

Return to Archive 4

www.bleeding-obvious.co.uk

Books and Free Downloads

The UBO Annual 2018 The UBO Annual 2017 The UBO Annual 2016 The UBO Annual 2015 The History of Rock The Bongo Lectures Kicking and Screaming Dead Peasants Recalled to Life UBO Volume 1 UBO Volume 2 Death Doom and Disaster Goldilocks and the Free Bears Find out more...


 

 

InstagramFacebookTwitter
Promo Image

Mind Your Wind

The enemy is listening for your flatulence. Watch your emissions.

Promo Image

Thinking of Buying an Octopus?

What you need to know

Promo Image

Nuclear Garden

We can't sleep at night and it frightens the dog

Promo Image

Rationalising Britain's River Network

'There are simply too many of them,' says Dame Vera Trickle.

Promo Image

Toaster Suicide

Death by appliance.

Promo Image

Highway Robbery

Have you seen these stolen roads?

 

Standard British NunsTeaching Carrots to FlyStandard British NunsExtreme Dinosaurs

 

The Bleeding Obvious Prime Time Gameshow Generator

Latest blog entries...

06 December 2019: Navy Admits to Floaty Boat Gaffe

02 December 2019: Dilbert's Donkey Storage Solutions

28 November 2019: Greygold's Residential Care Home

Copyright © 2016