Thinking of Buying an Octopus?

Octopus

With exotic pets becoming increasingly popular, sales of octopuses have seen a massive surge in recent years.

Unfortunately there has been a corresponding rise in neglected and abandoned animals. Octopussies are fascinating creatures, a great talking point and a handy source of ink, but they can also be difficult to handle - in every conceivable sense.

So, with that in mind, here are five points to consider if you're thinking of investing in an octopus.

 

1. Octopi can get very attached to you.

I don't mean literally, I mean emotionally. Octopussesses are sensitive creatures that form a powerful bond with their owners and can become very distressed when they don't receive regular contact.

 

2. Octopussys can get very attached to you.

I don't mean emotionally, I mean literally. Octopi are sensitive creatures and when they get stroppy their powerful suckers can form a virtually unbreakable bond with your skin. Not just your skin - with walls, doors, table tops and so on. This can make it very difficult to get them out of the house when they're in a bad mood.

 

3. Octopae require a great deal of exercise.

In the wild, octopuses can be seen galloping along miles of coastline in great herds, so it's essential that you exercise them every day. Your octopus is never happier than when it's chasing through wide open spaces after sticks, snuffling around the undergrowth or shinning up trees so that it can drop on unsuspecting passers-by from a great height.

 

4. Octopodes can play the piano.

Haven't got a piano? Don't get an octopus.

 

5. They can be really, really, really irritating.

If you want a pet that just sits quietly in its tank and blows the occasional bubble, then an octopus is not for you. Octopiddles will spend most of the evening thrashing wildly around, making loud screeching noises and occasionally reaching out to stick their tentacles up your nose or steal the TV remote so that they can change the channel. Octopuses are really fucking annoying.

 

If you'd like more information about owning an octopus, or you need help to rehome one of the little bleeders, drop us a line at this address:

 

We Don't Know What the Plural of Octopus Is
Unit 221b
The Contaminated Patch of Ground Where the Slaughterhouse Used to Be
Slough.

 

Taken from The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2015

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