Traffic Watch

Motorists are being warned about the following delays and disruptions in and around the county.

• Traffic is queuing on the southbound carriageway of the M1 between junctions 25 and 24 because of an infestation of Smurfs. The Smurfs were first spotted at 8.30 this morning, since which time they have overturned a Micra, eaten part of the crash barrier and were last seen sacrificing a hedgehog.
  
  Drivers are advised to seek an alternative route until the police Anti-Smurf Squad can bring the situation under control.
• Stanton Road in Belchingham is blocked at the Cavendish Drive junction by a wall, a couple of raised flowerbeds and an ornamental fountain. Police are warning drivers of the possibility of more spontaneous garden features appearing on roads into the town throughout the morning.
• Heavy vibes are causing delays on the A52. Bad karma is expected to last well into the evening.
• Traffic at the Little Cringeford roundabout has started going round the wrong way. This is down to a spontaneous traffic vortex caused by a high pressure front moving down from the north. It should clear by morning, although there is a risk of scattered crashes.
• The A619 is closed due to strike action by lampposts. Several traffic bollards have come out in sympathy and are not allowing vehicles to pass.
• A bad smell is causing traffic to veer off the carriageway on the A57 Snake Pass near Glossop.
• The A61 has been declared out of bounds and woe betide anyone that gets caught driving on it.
• Vehicles on the M6 are doing a loop-the-loop near junction 29 after somebody tied the southbound carriageway in a knot. Drivers are advised to put their foot down or seek an alternative route.
• The A53 has been downgraded to a river. Drivers will need to apply to the Canal and River Trust for a boating licence.
• There are long tailbacks on Abattoir Road caused by traffic lights shifting into the non-visible part of the spectrum. Police equipped with night vision goggles are assisting motorists until the fault can be rectified.
• Scared commuters are causing a mass panic on the A514 in West Chesterford.
• Police have advised motorists heading to Dronfield to seek an alternative route. The B6057 has gone soft and traffic is currently backed up while they try to free a lorry that got bogged down at the junction with Lea Road.
• And finally, police have advised motorists heading to Swadlincote to seek an alternative destination. It's a shit hole.