In this modern age, with its over-burdened public health services and an increasingly bewildering range of private medical schemes, the onus is firmly on the individual to take responsibility for his or her own welfare.

After all, if you don't look after yourself, who else is going to care for you?  I'm certainly not, and I'm a doctor.  No fear!  I didn't spend six years in medical school just so I can sully my hands treating the kind of retards, malingerers and fartabouts that wander into my surgery every day.  Stuff that for a lark.

Leading lights

Hello and welcome to my website.   My name is Doctor Adolphous Bongo, and I am one of the medical profession's leading lights.  Now, before we go any further, with regard to the rumours that have been circulating recently - it is true that I am currently being investigated by the General Medical Council, but let me assure you that this level of scrutiny is only to be expected for a pioneer like myself. 

There have been one or two deaths, I'll admit that, and to the casual observer they may appear to be somewhat 'suspicious'.  Maybe - just maybe - I could be at least partially responsible for one or two of them, but let's just put this into perspective, shall we?  The bubonic plague wiped out over a third of the population of Europe during the middle ages, and I've not reached anywhere near that kind of total yet.

In fact during my whole career I've only killed around... well... about three hundred and fifty at the last count - but, in my defence, most of those died as a result of gross negligence rather than any wilful attempt to do them in, which, if nothing else, at least demonstrates that my heart is in the right place.

That's more than can be said for many of my former patients, of course, but we all have to make sacrifices in the name of medical science.

Unsavoury business

But enough of such unsavoury business, and back to the purpose of this site. As you will appreciate, I am a very busy man and my services are much in demand.  In fact I am often approached in the street by total strangers who insist on telling me all about their little aches and pains, and coughs and sneezes.

I do try to explain politely that they should make an appointment to come and see me at my surgery, but despite my efforts it has sadly become necessary to carry a small cosh around with me, with which I am better able to make such members of the general public understand my position.

And so it is with the intention of alleviating this pressure on my time and energy that I have launched this completely free site.

Considerable store of medical knowledge

You will be able to read a number of medical essays, consult a specially compiled medical glossary, participate in an interactive diagnosis session and access my considerable store of medical knowledge and expertise without having to waste my bloody time by actually visiting me in person.

This completely non-commercial and entirely philanthropically motivated website will also provide details of my many books, which are available from most good booksellers.

You may also come across various recommendations for numerous products on this completely free website, and whilst there is no obligation for you to buy any of them, it is worth noting that you may be at considerable risk if you do not heed my advice.  Death and disfigurement are things that can visit you without warning at any time of the day or night, especially if you happen to be on your own and walking down a dimly lit alleyway in Hammersmith - know what I mean?  Good.

You see, not only am I an extremely experienced medical professional, whose advice is trusted implicitly, but I also know people.  I'm glad we understand each other.

Return to Doctor Bongo's Casebook

Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2005