We go back to the studio now, where presenter Jerry Crevice is about to interview his latest guest.
CREVICE: Good evening and expenses. I have with me here in the studio tonight Mr Harry Crabs of Northampton. Mr Crabs, hello.
CRABS: Hello matey.
CREVICE: Now Mr Crabs, is it all right if I call you Harry?
CREVICE: I beg your pardon?
CRABS: No, it is not all right. I would like you to call me Mrs Ada Fang of 42 The Mews, Tyne and Wear.
CREVICE: Mrs Ada Fang?
CRABS: Yes, of 42 The Mews.
CREVICE: I see. Any particular reason?
CRABS: Err yes, any particular reason - but mostly in order to preserve my anonymity. Hush, hush. Know what I mean? 'They' might be watching.
CREVICE: I see, so, to preserve your anonymity. And who are 'they'?
CRABS: I don't know, but it's best to take precautions. Hush, hush.
CREVICE: Very well. I have with me here in the studio tonight Mrs Ada Fang of 42 The Mews, Tyne and Wear. Now, Mr Crabs...
CRABS: Hello, yes?
CREVICE: I believe you are what is known in the trade as a 'professional scarer'.
CRABS: Yes, that is what I am known as in the trade. I am also known as that in the Hope and Anchor on Bridge Street. Also in the British Legion, and many other local hostelries. But in Tyne and Wear I am mostly known as Mrs Ada Fang of 42 The Mews.
CREVICE: I see. And perhaps you can tell us just exactly what it is that a 'professional scarer' does?
CRABS: GRRRRRRRRR! AAARRGGGH! GRRRRR!... That's what I does, mostly.
CREVICE: I see. So what you do, in essence, is scare people?
CRABS: Yes. Yes. That is what I do, in essence. I also do it in the Hope and Anchor on Bridge Street, and also occasionally at the British Legion. But in Tyne and Wear I try to keep a low profile.
CREVICE: I see.
CRABS: But... and this is me saying 'but'... But, the important difference is that I do it 'professionally'.
CREVICE: When you say you do it professionally, what exactly do you mean?"
CRABS: I mean, exactly, that I does it for a living. Also, I don't muck about, matey. Let me explain.
CREVICE: I'll let you explain.
CRABS: Yeah, you do that. You let me explain. You see, the local tourist board, they do these ghost walks. They takes all these people round the town, showing them the old buildings and telling them strange tales of spooky goings on, and stuff.
CREVICE: I see - to entertain them with eerie tales of the supernatural.
CRABS: Yes. And to scare the doings out of them. Well, I am employed to give it what you might call that extra air of authenticity. I waits in this dark cellar, dressed as a ghostly monk, and when they comes round, I leaps out and goes GRRRRRR! AAAAARRRRGH! GRRRR!
CREVICE: You go GRRRRRR! AAAAARRRRGH! GRRRR!
CRABS: Yes, and... I didn't scare you then, did I? Only it can be a bit strong for people of a nervous disposition.
CREVICE: No, I'm quite all right.
CRABS: Ah, good. Well, as I say, it's my job to put the willies up 'em by going GRRRRRR! AAAAARRRRGH! GRRRR! Cor blimey.
CREVICE: I see. You go 'GRRRRRR! AAAAARRRRGH! GRRRR! Cor blimey'?
CRABS: No, I don't go 'cor blimey'. I went 'cor blimey' just then because I think I may have ruptured something. It's an occupational hazard. Occasionally I goes a bit overboard with me 'GRRRRRR!' and I put something out. Sometimes I even over-reach myself in the 'AAAAARRRRRGH!" department, and when that happens I usually have to take the week off. But, of course, all that's gone up the spout now, since I became unemployed.
CREVICE: Ah yes. And I believe you are suing the local tourist authority for loss of earnings.
CRABS: No! No! I am suing the local tourist authority for loss of teeth. Also for twenty thousand quid.
CREVICE: I see. And how did you manage to lose these teeth?
CRABS: I managed it very well, thank you very much. I was going about my job.
CREVICE: You were going about your job?
CRABS: Yes, yes, I was going about it, in an Easterly direction. I was hiding in the cellar, just waiting for my cue. Anyways, all the tourists come along. And the guide, he says to them that this cellar is the mysterious location of a mysterious haunting by a mysterious monk. And that's my cue, so out I leaps and 'GRRRRRRR!' I goes. And 'AAAAARRGGGH!' I goes. And 'GRRRRRRR!' again. And this woman, she belts me in the cake hole
CREVICE: She belts you in the cake hole.
CRABS: Yes, she... 'Ere, now you're just repeating everything I say.
CREVICE: I see, repeating everything you say.
CRABS: Yer, well... anyway. She punches me in the snout, and I hit 'er with me rosary, an' the whole thing starts to get ugly, and then 'er sister joins in, an' she was pretty ugly to start with, and the police are called, and to cut a long story short, here I am.
CREVICE: Here you are.
CRABS: And now I'm unemployed. And there's not much work about for a professional scarer. I've tried working in the post office, but every time some old biddy steps up to collect her pension, I go 'GRRRRRRR!' and she wets herself and falls over. And, of course, the real tragedy of it was that I had quite good prospects with the tourist board. I was about to be promoted.
CREVICE: You were about to be promoted.
CRABS: Was I? Well, it was about time. I wasn't intending to be a ghostly monk forever, you know. Oh, no, no, no! I was just one small step away from being promoted to a werewolf. And it's good money as a werewolf, plus you get free dog biscuits and a flea collar. And it wouldn't have stopped there - I had my eye set on Head Vampire. It's a crying shame. I've still got it, you know. Still got the old magic touch.
CREVICE: Well thank you Mr Crabs.
CRABS: GRRRRRR! AAAAARRRRGH! GRRRR! See, I'm not washed up yet.
CREVICE: Indeed not. Folks, I'm afraid that's all we've got time for.
CRABS: I'll be washed up next Wednesday. Or, if wet, Thursday afternoon.
CREVICE: Well there you have it...
CRABS: I haven't had it.
CREVICE: ...Mr Harry Crabs of Northampton, Professional Scarer...
CRABS: I'm not likely to get it either, at this rate.
CREVICE: ...Next week we'll be meeting a Mr Terrence Milligna of Lewisham who has the world's largest collection of dust...
CRABS: Is that my bit over with then?
CREVICE: ...So until next time...
CRABS: Can I have it in cash?
CREVICE: ...This is Gerry Crevice saying goodnight... Goodnight.
Yes sir, a good pair of ears is about the most useful thing that you could possibly have in the animal kingdom.
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