It has been announced that Mr Herman Logins of Aberdeen, is to be the venue for the next Olympic Games.

Mr Logins - real name, 'Herman Logins' - has previously played host to four Grand Nationals, two major tennis tournaments, the Italian Grand Prix and a series of sell out concerts by U2.

Extensive renovation

His commitment to host the games means that he will have to undergo extensive renovation in order to bring him up to international standard. In particular, he will need four full-sized swimming pools installed in the nape of his neck, extensions made to the existing stadium just below his left elbow, and an Olympic village to accommodate the athletes somewhere in the small of his back.

Painful and expensive

It is painful and expensive work, and Mr Logins will be lucky and if he pulls through. Nevertheless, he believes it will be well worth the inconvenience - if only to get one over on his neighbour, Mrs Janice Spriggs, who famously hosted the World Cup Final in 1966.