Archive 1


Oven Chimps
And Now the Trouser Forecast for the UK...
trouser forecast

A scattering of corduroys overnight will give way to heavy pants tomorrow...

Signs of the Times
Signs of the times

Kent Constabulary Five-0 has been erecting signs in various locations with stark messages like 'No Mugging' and 'No Breaking and Entering'...

The Battersea Wigs Home
Battersea wigs

That's no sort of life for a healthy young wig...

Vicars on the Job
Whip-it-Round Parcel Delivery Services

"Quite right, compensation! I'd feel exactly the same way in your situation..."

The Delusion of J Henry Proudfoot
tape measure

"J Henry Proudfoot looks up from his muddy trench, his flapping jowls having momentarily tightened into a triumphal leer..."

Night of the Womble
Night of the Womble

"The book tells a story of fear, mistrust and exploitation, in which Wombles across the land are rounded up, shackled and put into slavery by their human overlords..."

No Offence

"David McGog MP has once again been in the news after apparently insulting one of his parliamentary colleagues..."

Man Blames European Space Agency for Domestic Eclipse

"Mr Cravat is seeking damages against the ESA because one of their satellites has been casting a shadow over his house..."

The Moroccan Dancing Mole
Mole airlock

"Dusk in the Serengeti and as the dusty orb of the sun touches the tops of distant hills..."

Rationalising Britain's River Network
Map of rivers

"The problem is that there are simply too many of them," says Dame Vera Trickle...

Mr and Mrs Pottle are Lost Again

"Why can't these people just stay at home?" said Assistant Head of Ropes, Malcolm Crampon...

The Creeper and Other Motorists
L Plates

"The Fidgeter cannot remain still. At junctions, at traffic lights his vehicle will be in a constant state of motion..."

North Yorkshire's Got Talented Traffic Wardens
North Yorkshire's Got Talented Traffic Wardens

"Following the success of the recent Bake Off contest to find a new dinner lady..."

Lillywhite Lenny

"They get awful jiggy, some of these horses. Very easy to just slip off..."

Digital Vicars
Digital vicar communication

"How vicars communicate with each other over distance has puzzled ecclesiastical scholars for centuries..."

The Domesday Clipboard

"Archaeologists have unearthed one of the original clipboards that was used to compile the Domesday Book..."

Tripping the Dark Fantastic
Jez Moonbeam

"I mean, you can't sell 'darkbulbs' can you? Nobody's interested in 'darksabers'."

The World Bullshit Record

"Team bonding, goal setting, table top brainstorming, high growth, contingency planning, outcome focus."

The Price of Politeness

"A California law firm has obtained the intellectual property rights for politeness..."

Well Stuffed
A Board

"Police are warning animal lovers in Godalming of a rogue taxidermist at large..."

Pop-Up Royals
Pop up royals

"Running a Royal Family will set you back twenty million pounds a year just in hay alone..."

The Devil's Arse on Tour

"Moving a large hole around the country must present some unique logistical problems of its own..."

An Evening with Barry Smith
Speech bubble

"Spend a magical evening in the company of Barry Smith, Shepton Bassett's number one coach driver..."

Tax, What Tax?

"I'm nothing to do with this Winkle Holdings of which you speak..."

Ken's News and Fags
Shop front

"The National Trust has taken over the last remaining independently-owned high street business in the UK..."

Shark Fishing
Flying Shark

"On average, twenty thousand sharks a week pass over Mr Pong's farm, seriously worrying the sheep..."

Christopher Columbus Discoveries Inc
Did Man Really Go To Belgium?

"For as long as man can remember he has dreamed of one day travelling to Belgium..."

Mountain Rescue

"I was born up a mountain, I've lived all my life up a mountain and I fully expect to die up one..."

Arse monkey

"He quite literally set the art world ablaze by torching the National Gallery..."

Kicking Up a New Stink

"In the face of much scepticism and derision, Quentin Tote has discovered a new smell..."

Global Moistening

"We might see the major land masses of our planet becoming so squishy that everyone will have to go around in flippers..."

Cosmic Background Apathy

"Just how big is the Universe? When, and where, will it end...?"

Happysmiles Emergency Clown Service

"We provide flippers, facemasks, breathing apparatus - then we take these people up in an aeroplane and push them out..."

Mathew Sandblaster-Trogg

"Mathew Sandblaster-Trogg has not stopped bouncing since 1972..."

Recipe Corner

"This week: Chilli Con Carne..."

Wind Tunnel Technician

"We speak to Maurice Pencil, a wind tunnel technician at the Happworth Aeronautical Institute in Gwent..."


"The world of mathematics has been shattered by the discovery of a new number..."

Songs of Inspiration and Devotion
Extreme Dinosaurs
Stunt dinosaur

"But is there any actual evidence that they were into hang-gliding...?"

Exploding Dinners
Ready meal

"We have integrated the latest pyrotechnic technology into our products to create fully interactive meals...

Not Funny

"According to Professor Jez Moonbeam, comedy is something that occurs spontaneously at a sub-atomic level..."

Product Recall

"...boxes of the above product have been found to contain small canoes, vaulting horses and other items of sports equipment..."

Click Here For Cut Price Chips
Cooker Island
Washing machine

"The island is now home to an altogether more bizarre branch of the animal kingdom - rogue cookers..."


"Your average library is nothing less than a seething cauldron of violence...

What Is It?

"The scientific community has been rocked to its foundations by the startling claims of Professor Norman Sadowitz..."

First Annual Bleeding Obvious Award...

"After all, anyone can learn to act, or paint, or dance, or sing. But to be born into an acting family, to be the niece of a high-ranking TV executive or to been fortunate enough to have gone to university with the son of a rich publisher..."

Know Your Birds

"Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Modern Day Bird Warfare...

Bare-Knuckle Snooker

"Free of the restraints and controls that regulate professional snooker, the bare-knuckle variety is an often brutal and vicious game...

Gerald de Scooter's Restaurant Guide

"Stuffing myself silly in dozens of top class swanky restaurants...

Operation Mutton

"Our goose would have been well and truly cooked had it not been for the remarkable work of Eugene Rumbold and his camouflaged sheep..."

New Improved God
Puzzle Page

Wrap your brains around these fiendish puzzles

Flying Squirrels

"For those of you who take the view that flying into the side of a house at forty knots is nothing but a drop in the wide ocean of pain and anguish..."

The Royal Gala Theatre

In the interests of your comfort and enjoyment, please note the following.."

Knitting in Colour
sheep colours

"This day in 1956 saw the introduction of the first regular colour knitting patterns..."

It's a Fact
It's a fact

"Hello, my name is Donald Fact, and has been ever since I changed it by deed poll in 1968..."

Paper Cuts
Paper stack

"That's right, a paper cut. I fear I may need to take the rest of the day off..."

Local Heroes
Blue plaque

"Outstanding Achievements in the Field of Vandalism..."

Dougal Fridgely

"The discovery of Mr Dougal Fridgely of 42 Belvedere Crescent, Tadcaster..."

Death by Pastry
Pie in space

"In just four years time the Earth will be nothing more than a huge pie hanging in space..."

Cheese Genome

"This latest discovery has finally put an end to all the speculation, demonstrating that cheese has an objective reality..."

Rob Hammond's Essential Guide to Buddhism

"I've been specially trained to kill using nothing more than a raised elbow..."

Motorcycle Display Teams

"When Ferdinand Von Zeppelin built the first motorbike back in 1884..."

Fats Porker - Blues Whinger

"It was with considerable regret that blues fans learnt yesterday of the sad loss of Fats Porker..."

Barry the Road Safety Owl
Road safety owl

"Hey kids! Get off the road..."

Maisy Donnington's Cheese Etiquette Page

"I'm Maisy Donnington, and tonight I'm going to be your guide to the wonderful world of cheese..."

Sofas Are From Mars...

"A new space race is on following the announcement that Ikea intends to put a sofa on the surface of Mars..."

Nuclear Garden
Exploding shed

"Sometimes it goes on for weeks at a time. We can't sleep at night and it frightens the dog..."

The Thoroughfare of Success

"What do we really mean by targeted motivational short-term direction objectives?"

Short and Curly
Curly hair

"Scientific types in Austria are one step closer to tapping the vast store of energy locked away in curly hair..."

The Trivial Accident Group
Typists of the Kalahari

"The average African bull elephant can type at speeds in excess of 120 words per minute..."

Project Scooby
Big sandwich

"She's a sly old devil dog. A barbed wire boot for the unwary traveller. A rancid, petulant wheelbarrow of death for the moribund adventurer..."


"She was suddenly attacked by a small yellow creature, which rushed out from behind a bush, bit her on the arse then waddled off with her pension money...

Empire State Building

"Was North America once home to an advanced society, which mysteriously disappeared over forty years ago?"


"The flap of a butterfly's wings in Central Park could ultimately cause an earthquake in China...

Random Kevin

"Random Kevin is a life-size inflatable doll that you can abuse and ridicule in the comfort and privacy of your own home..."

Mail Order Tattoos
Tattoo catalogue

"A company in Perth, Australia is now offering a unique 'Tattoo by Post' service..."


"Startling new data suggests that the amount of fluff in the Earth's biosphere will shortly reach catastrophic proportions..."

Derek Fact's Fact Spanner

"Fact: there are more miles of shelving in China than anywhere else in the world..."

Supermarket Kerfuffle

"Emergency services were called to a Lincoln supermarket yesterday after a misaligned caster caused a pile up..."

The Secret of Old Age

"Mrs Doris Pemberton recently revealed the secret of her longevity on the occasion of her hundred and twenty-fourth birthday..."

All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth and may not be reproduced, without the express permission of the author, in any medium including but not limited to personal blogs, messageboards and other internet forums. This restriction also applies to the hotlinking of images. Permission can be requested at All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.

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Madame Fifi LaTour reveals all
The contempt it deserves
A guide to the military sheep of WWII
The Metropolitan Police Choir in concert
Compensation! I'd feel exactly the same way in your situation…
Archeologists unearth historic appliance.
Tapping the vast store of energy locked away in curly hair
Prof Jim Spanners explains chaos theory
New Discovery Casts Light on Prophet's Death.
A gobful of abuse from young Paul certainly strikes home.


Extreme DinosaursTeaching Carrots to FlyStandard British NunsExtreme Dinosaurs


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