"Like myself, you were probably under the impression that nuns grew on trees..."
"He coughs up something unpleasant and hides it beneath his beer mat..."
"Our sympathies to Rodney Tarzan after failing in his attempt to go around the world on elastic..."
"It is with regret that we have to report that the XII Fish Olympiad has been abandoned..."
"The ladies of Melton Mowbray Rotary Club decided to track down a yeti and give it a makeover..."
"Our roving travel writer Roly Coconut visits this increasingly popular holiday destination, and wishes he hadn't..."
"The National Sandwich Hotline offers personal lunchtime help in the shape of a professional sandwich advisor..."
"Conventional science might yet provide a means for us to explore the galaxy, if Project Pogo is given the go ahead..."
"A celebration of spectacular failure..."
"The secret to good fortune, wealth and wisdom may be found in the palm of your hand..."
"Six of the best wines to perfectly compliment your game birds..."
with Derek the Fact Crab
"Mr Droop's thirst for news has led to him becoming disillusioned with the Evening Observer..."
"Edward Smiley has invented the world's first cold fusion sandwich..."
"Using sound as a weapon is something that has been considered feasible for many years..."
"Not many of us would credit the average salmon with advanced problem-solving abilities..."
"We quiz a famous celebrity for a minute ..."
"Every lamppost that lines our highways and byways is grown from seed..."
"Many criminals already have access to semi-automatic pastry..."
"Belinda Sommers reviews Barney's Magic Number Show..."
"We went to interview the NHS's new Head of Official Apologies...."
"There are numerous stories of America employing itching powder in Vietnam...."
"The increasing desirability of the horse has presented a new target for teenage joyriders..."
"We invite famous stars of stage and screen to tell us about some of their favourite nuts..."
"A spate of drive-by wallpaperings has resulted in several public buildings being seriously redecorated..."
"Life must have been very hard in the days before sitting down was invented..."
"Wilful and deliberate attempts of household appliances to cause harm to humankind..."
"A friend bet him that he couldn't sail across the Atlantic Ocean in his own garden..."
"For thirty years Marmaduke Irksome talked crap in the House of Commons as the MP for Pontefract West...."
"We were pleased to have an opportunity to speak to top advertising guru Christian Pyle..."
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