"We're really great and everybody thinks we're fantastic..."
"We have the pens for you!"
"Pressing on Regardless..."
"We are concerned about the quality of your work..."
"He told them where to stick it..."
"A prospective country must satisfy three conditions..."
"In minutes they'd stripped the boat of all our pop and crisps..."
"Regina Loans is wholly owned and operated by the Royal Family..."
"Brian Ghoul, our births deaths and marriages correspondent..."
"Ofsted inspectors have given Shepton Bassett Academy a glowing report..."
"Confusing, badly translated or just plain weird..."
"Sir Arthur Manning will hopefully be able to tell us what has gone wrong..."
"The company cannot entirely rule out the possibility that their operating system might be evil..."
"I'm Detective Inspector Barker Harris of the Metropolitan Police Force, but you can call me Snuggles..."
"There was something about the heady aroma of the polish and the dusty atmosphere of the shop that I found simply intoxicating..."
"Victory for the British DIY Olympic squad who return home with an impressive six gold medals..."
"There was excitement on the stock exchange yesterday when it was announced that Transglobular Mining PLC had discovered significant quantities of earwax in Mr Harry Frome of 43 Litchfield Lane, Liverpool..."
"Last week saw the conviction of Coco Corelli, the former circus clown whose secret life as an international hitman turned him into one of the world's most notorious criminals..."
"Wildlife experts in Kenya have come up with a barcode scanner that can read zebras..."
"Martin 'Leadfoot' Gunner boasts that he is one of the fastest getaway drivers in the world..."
"The good people of the village of Guacamole in Mexico have once again made it into the record books..."
"The RAF have recently stopped using sticky tape to stop pilots falling out of their planes..."
"A recent report released by the Home Office reveals a dramatic increase in the number of people being attacked by monsters..."
"It has come as no surprise that this year's coveted Nobel Prize for Flaps has been awarded to Mr Michael Leverage..."
"Christian Pyle is suing Leicester City Council, organisers of a ten mile Fun Run, under the Trades Description Act..."
"Entrepreneur Ryan Lockheart has recently been presented with a special award for his innovative new enterprise..."
"Mrs Alice Sideways' Campaign for the Abolition of Tuesdays is gathering pace..."
"Want to go ice skating on a hot summer's day? Want to feel the wind in your hair as you glide gracefully through the park on a blistering July afternoon?"
"Tired of doing all your own doodling?"
"The Professor has taken the principal of potato printing to the next level by coming up with the 'chipwriter'..."
"It has recently come to light that the Alps are badly in need of repair..."
"Our commiserations to Mr Alex Pollard of Shrewsbury, who has failed to prevent his local council from demolishing his wife..."
"A 'Frisbee Person' is motivated, dedicated and gullible..."
"I hope this letter finds you well and that your important duvet work is progressing on schedule..."
"Interested in getting a cheaply printed certificate in a made up discipline?"
"A cement mixer is a great addition to any home..."
"Trifling, inconsequential whinges..."
"The collection of revenue is an evolving art..."
"Nobody actually reads these books..."
"Firms are adopting company salutes as a way of maintaining loyalty..."
"Looking to 'divert' funds from your company, charity or government department?"
"A visibly perplexed Justice Frog presides..."
The cutting edge of vegetable warfare.
"There are basically two schools of thought when it comes to the removal of excess fat..."
"There is fresh interest following the publication of a photograph which purports to show an elbow on the surface of Venus..."
"A designer of role playing games in Idaho has invented the world's first one-sided dice..."
"Apprentice tool-setter Marcus Toll is the first person to successfully train a bacon sandwich..."
"The Royal Navy are sending their latest nuclear submarine, HMS Genocide, back to the shipyard in Humberside where it was built..."
"Men and women are each introduced to a number of potential partners at speeds in excess of over 150 miles per hour..."
"Clyde Barrow, 46, claims that he can eat baked beans without first opening the tin..."
"Of course, the police haven't always taken such a proactive approach to enlistment..."
"You're a miserable old sourpuss, who jolly well needs damn good kick up the bottom..."
"Quality Donkeys for Hire or Purchase..."
"This year's Kitchen Appliance Olympics once again pushed forward the barriers of food preparation technology..."
"Being a brief illumination of the vexed question of how close a Gentleman should get to a Lady..."
"The sudden release of jazz particles would produce a phenomenal quantity of raw power...."
"I believe the nation should commit itself to landing a man on the moon, shaving it, and returning him safely to Earth..."
"Each year this prestigious title is awarded to the person whose madcap antics most impress the judges..."
"What do you do when you find that your parrot's got jet lag, or the tortoise needs re-tiling...?"
"Frogs can jump ten times their own bodyweight..."
"When 68 year old Bert Eggs retires from his post as Chief Chip-eater, the city of Wrexham is going to find it's got a bit of a problem..."
"The latest craze for the high-flying, celebrated and self-important elite is pizza therapy..."
"What's that mate? Antimatter? Yeah, I reckon I know where I can get hold of some for you..."
"What's that mate? Time travel? Well, the basic problem, as I see it, is the linear flow of causality..."
"No one thought of looking there before..."
"Inconsiderate spacemen are making my life hell..."
"It's blatant discrimination. Nothing more, nothing less..."
"New rules define vampirism as a protected characteristic..."
"Details have emerged of the Royal State Stair Lift..."
"A piece of paper which is all front and no back..."
"Their ordeal began partway through a two day course in ladder safety..."
"He used to treat all this mundane bullshit with the contempt it deserved..."
"Now you need never be burnt alive by indecision again..."
"It's always best to rest against something solid, such as a small horse..."
"A report commissioned by the Home Office has revealed that for the year 2015/2016 the crime rate in the North Sea was practically zero..."
"Scientists conducting special experimental discos have concluded that drum and bass music is rubbish..."
"Professor Jez Moonbeam has invented a new type of fan..."
"Biochemists have developed a new titanium-reinforced lettuce..."
"When George Faggot became a vegetarian six months ago - for tax reasons - he wasn't quite prepared for the self-discipline..."
"Police in Cambridgeshire have called off a full scale search for the market town of Wisbech..."
"We're all familiar with the expression 'as mad as a hatter', but has anyone ever really looked into the whole hatter/madness thing?"
"Your complete security solution..."
"Mr Chokice has noted that the main entrance is only protected by a turnstile..."
"There are concerns for the future of Salisbury Cathedral after recent survey work revealed that its foundations are undermining surrounding buildings..."
"Tonight the spotlight belongs to one of the most controversial musicians of recent years..."
"Rumpleford Abbey is dedicated to St Jemima of the Holy Rock, the patron saint of gravel..."
"Could you spare just three doubloons a day to support a helpless pirate?..."
"The fenny bentleys all dropped dead..."
"Good evening, and welcome to today's edition of Diagnosis..."
"Mr Buddy Vats, the world's fattest man, suffered a fatal earthquake in the early hours of the morning..."
"At the time of my visit the caverns were closed to the public for their annual hosing down..."
"A gentleman never fouls himself upwind of a waitress..."
"Farmers are calling for stricter laws after an increase in the number of illegal raves being held on farmland..."
All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth and may not be reproduced, without the express permission of the author, in any medium including but not limited to personal blogs, messageboards and other internet forums. This restriction also applies to the hotlinking of images. Permission can be requested at firstname.lastname@example.org. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.
Following the recent Bake Off contest to find a dinner lady
Rogue taxidermist at large.
Taking potato printing to a new level.
Desmond Omelette has been charged with assaulting the Pacific Ocean.
Sir Arthur tells us what went wrong