Archive 2

Your Staff Feedback, Your Way

"We're really great and everybody thinks we're fantastic..."

Selling Crap for Fun and Profit

"We have the pens for you!"

Shepton Bassett: A Vision for the Future
Pest control

"Pressing on Regardless..."

A Real Scoop

"We are concerned about the quality of your work..."

Stuff Your Bleeding Job
Film poster

"He told them where to stick it..."

Island's Bid for Nation Status

"A prospective country must satisfy three conditions..."

Freshwater Pirates

"In minutes they'd stripped the boat of all our pop and crisps..."

Regina Loans

"Regina Loans is wholly owned and operated by the Royal Family..."

St Tiddles in the Font Parish Newsletter

"Brian Ghoul, our births deaths and marriages correspondent..."

Shepton Bassett Academy

"Ofsted inspectors have given Shepton Bassett Academy a glowing report..."

National Consumer Instructions Awards

"Confusing, badly translated or just plain weird..."

Things Fall Over All the Time

"Sir Arthur Manning will hopefully be able to tell us what has gone wrong..."

Evil Windows

"The company cannot entirely rule out the possibility that their operating system might be evil..."

Detective Inspector Barker Harris
police dog

"I'm Detective Inspector Barker Harris of the Metropolitan Police Force, but you can call me Snuggles..."

Bing Crosby Boxing
French Polishers

"There was something about the heady aroma of the polish and the dusty atmosphere of the shop that I found simply intoxicating..."

DIY Olympics

"Victory for the British DIY Olympic squad who return home with an impressive six gold medals..."

ear diagram

"There was excitement on the stock exchange yesterday when it was announced that Transglobular Mining PLC had discovered significant quantities of earwax in Mr Harry Frome of 43 Litchfield Lane, Liverpool..."

Hitman Clown

"Last week saw the conviction of Coco Corelli, the former circus clown whose secret life as an international hitman turned him into one of the world's most notorious criminals..."

Zebra Scanner
zebra barcode

"Wildlife experts in Kenya have come up with a barcode scanner that can read zebras..."

Getaway Driver

"Martin 'Leadfoot' Gunner boasts that he is one of the fastest getaway drivers in the world..."

Mexico's Magnificently Massive Maracas
giant maraca

"The good people of the village of Guacamole in Mexico have once again made it into the record books..."

RAF Discontinues Use of Sticky Tape
sticky tape

"The RAF have recently stopped using sticky tape to stop pilots falling out of their planes..."


"A recent report released by the Home Office reveals a dramatic increase in the number of people being attacked by monsters..."

The Nobel Flap Award

"It has come as no surprise that this year's coveted Nobel Prize for Flaps has been awarded to Mr Michael Leverage..."

Fun Run

"Christian Pyle is suing Leicester City Council, organisers of a ten mile Fun Run, under the Trades Description Act..."

Emergency Kebabs
kebab van

"Entrepreneur Ryan Lockheart has recently been presented with a special award for his innovative new enterprise..."


"Mrs Alice Sideways' Campaign for the Abolition of Tuesdays is gathering pace..."

Ice Lolly Skating

"Want to go ice skating on a hot summer's day? Want to feel the wind in your hair as you glide gracefully through the park on a blistering July afternoon?"


"Tired of doing all your own doodling?"

The Chipwriter
typewriter full of chips

"The Professor has taken the principal of potato printing to the next level by coming up with the 'chipwriter'..."

Mountain Range Requires Major Renovations

"It has recently come to light that the Alps are badly in need of repair..."

Shrewsbury Woman to be Demolished to Make Way for Flyover

"Our commiserations to Mr Alex Pollard of Shrewsbury, who has failed to prevent his local council from demolishing his wife..."

Staff Handbook
Staff Handbook

"A 'Frisbee Person' is motivated, dedicated and gullible..."

A Ding Dong Over Duvets

"I hope this letter finds you well and that your important duvet work is progressing on schedule..."

Evening Classes from the University of the Bleeding Obvious

"Interested in getting a cheaply printed certificate in a made up discipline?"

Looking After Your Cement Mixer
Cement Mixer

"A cement mixer is a great addition to any home..."

Petty Complaints Ombudsman

"Trifling, inconsequential whinges..."

The Art of Tax Collection

"The collection of revenue is an evolving art..."

Sci-Fi Fan Draws a Blank

"Nobody actually reads these books..."

Salter's Saluting Solutions

"Firms are adopting company salutes as a way of maintaining loyalty..."

Rinse Easy
Rinse Easy

"Looking to 'divert' funds from your company, charity or government department?"

Mr Bannerman's Evidence

"A visibly perplexed Justice Frog presides..."

Teaching Carrots to Fly
flying carrot

The cutting edge of vegetable warfare.

Pixie Guard
fat reduction illustration

"There are basically two schools of thought when it comes to the removal of excess fat..."

Venusian Elbow

"There is fresh interest following the publication of a photograph which purports to show an elbow on the surface of Venus..."

One-Sided Dice
one-sided dice

"A designer of role playing games in Idaho has invented the world's first one-sided dice..."

Rod and Enya's Rock 'n' Roll Mysteries
Training Bacon Sandwiches for Fun and Profit
bacon sandwich

"Apprentice tool-setter Marcus Toll is the first person to successfully train a bacon sandwich..."

Navy Seeks Refund for Submarine

"The Royal Navy are sending their latest nuclear submarine, HMS Genocide, back to the shipyard in Humberside where it was built..."

Speed Dating

"Men and women are each introduced to a number of potential partners at speeds in excess of over 150 miles per hour..."


"Clyde Barrow, 46, claims that he can eat baked beans without first opening the tin..."

The Montreux Clinic For Aural Readjustment
Caught by the Fuzz
recruitment poster

"Of course, the police haven't always taken such a proactive approach to enlistment..."

Maisy Donnington's Guide to Perking Yourself Up

"You're a miserable old sourpuss, who jolly well needs damn good kick up the bottom..."

Dobbins of Doncaster

"Quality Donkeys for Hire or Purchase..."

Kitchen Olympics

"This year's Kitchen Appliance Olympics once again pushed forward the barriers of food preparation technology..."

Stopping Distances
Stopping distances

"Being a brief illumination of the vexed question of how close a Gentleman should get to a Lady..."

Sliding to the Post Office on a Raft of Beetroot


Obvious Books
Jazz Bomb
jazz bomb

"The sudden release of jazz particles would produce a phenomenal quantity of raw power...."

Shave the Moon

"I believe the nation should commit itself to landing a man on the moon, shaving it, and returning him safely to Earth..."

The Wackiest Person in the UK

"Each year this prestigious title is awarded to the person whose madcap antics most impress the judges..."

Amateur Stamp Collector Collector
Nobby Wentworth's Pet Surgery
Christmas penguin

"What do you do when you find that your parrot's got jet lag, or the tortoise needs re-tiling...?"

10 Things You Never Knew About Frogs

"Frogs can jump ten times their own bodyweight..."

The Chief Chip-Eater of Old Wrexham Town

"When 68 year old Bert Eggs retires from his post as Chief Chip-eater, the city of Wrexham is going to find it's got a bit of a problem..."

Celebrity Pizza Therapy

"The latest craze for the high-flying, celebrated and self-important elite is pizza therapy..."

Gary the Builder: Antimatter
Gary the Builder

"What's that mate? Antimatter? Yeah, I reckon I know where I can get hold of some for you..."

Gary the Builder: Time Travel
Gary the Builder

"What's that mate? Time travel? Well, the basic problem, as I see it, is the linear flow of causality..."

The Lost Continent, Found!

"No one thought of looking there before..."

Fly-Tipping Astronauts

"Inconsiderate spacemen are making my life hell..."

Usherette Misses Out On Award

"It's blatant discrimination. Nothing more, nothing less..."

New Rules for Vampires

"New rules define vampirism as a protected characteristic..."

The Queen's Stairlift
Stair lift

"Details have emerged of the Royal State Stair Lift..."

One-Sided Post-it Note

"A piece of paper which is all front and no back..."

Ladder Ordeal

"Their ordeal began partway through a two day course in ladder safety..."

A Sustained Corporate Battering

"He used to treat all this mundane bullshit with the contempt it deserved..."

Fire Distinguishers

"Now you need never be burnt alive by indecision again..."

Optimum Leaning Angles
leaning man

"It's always best to rest against something solid, such as a small horse..."

Crime Waves
Under water

"A report commissioned by the Home Office has revealed that for the year 2015/2016 the crime rate in the North Sea was practically zero..."

Dolby Noise Reduction Sausages
Drum and Bass
Drum and bass

"Scientists conducting special experimental discos have concluded that drum and bass music is rubbish..."

The Moonbeam Fresh Air System
Jez Moonbeam

"Professor Jez Moonbeam has invented a new type of fan..."

Reinforced Lettuce

"Biochemists have developed a new titanium-reinforced lettuce..."

Bid to Reclassify Donkeys as Vegetables

"When George Faggot became a vegetarian six months ago - for tax reasons - he wasn't quite prepared for the self-discipline..."

Theft of Wisbech Exposed as Hoax

"Police in Cambridgeshire have called off a full scale search for the market town of Wisbech..."

How Mad Can a Mad Hatter Get?

"We're all familiar with the expression 'as mad as a hatter', but has anyone ever really looked into the whole hatter/madness thing?"


"Your complete security solution..."

Medieval Castles May Have Been Ineffective Strongholds

"Mr Chokice has noted that the main entrance is only protected by a turnstile..."

Cathedral Root System Undermines Buildings

"There are concerns for the future of Salisbury Cathedral after recent survey work revealed that its foundations are undermining surrounding buildings..."

The Reluctant Pianist

"Tonight the spotlight belongs to one of the most controversial musicians of recent years..."

Invitation to a Monks' Tea Party

"Rumpleford Abbey is dedicated to St Jemima of the Holy Rock, the patron saint of gravel..."

Obvious Records

"Could you spare just three doubloons a day to support a helpless pirate?..."

Noblock and Kerfanderbuck

"The fenny bentleys all dropped dead..."

Ello Ello Ello, Wot's All This Then?

"Good evening, and welcome to today's edition of Diagnosis..."


"Mr Buddy Vats, the world's fattest man, suffered a fatal earthquake in the early hours of the morning..."

Comfy Dinners
Cross Section

"At the time of my visit the caverns were closed to the public for their annual hosing down..."

Gentlemen's Etiquette

"A gentleman never fouls himself upwind of a waitress..."

Police Crackdown on Agricultural Raves
Funky cow

"Farmers are calling for stricter laws after an increase in the number of illegal raves being held on farmland..."

All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth and may not be reproduced, without the express permission of the author, in any medium including but not limited to personal blogs, messageboards and other internet forums. This restriction also applies to the hotlinking of images. Permission can be requested at All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.

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The clipboard used to compile the Domesday Book.
New Recruitment Initiatives in UK policing
Attacks by monsters on the increase.
Punching singers in the mouth
Bespoke vegetables delivered direct to your door
Dr Ballcock invents the perfect circle.
Sir Arthur tells us what went wrong
Lost Womble book to be published.
Archeologists unearth historic appliance.
Big hole coming to your town.


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