background
06 July 2020

Introducing the Spellchecker Pen

 

 

Now at last, the Moonbeam Easywrite Ballpoint with built-in spellchecker!

The handwritten letter has just entered a new age, thanks to Professor Jez Moonbeam's revolutionary new invention.

 

  • Spellchecks words as you write
  • Suggests synonyms
  • Autocompletes sentences
  • Writes in 12 different fonts

 

One satisfied customer writes:

I couldn't be happier with my Moonbeam Easywrite Spellchucker pen. It's so eazy to use and it nefer fales to completely corect all my wurst speeling mistackes. I'd reckomend it to enyone! So why nut get your Moonspleep Chucker Far ascx &$% fd write now!

Plus: Order now and get a free surround sound ruler and a Wi-Fi enabled pencil sharpener.

Moonbeamm Industries

 

 


02 June 2020

Refuse and Recycling Guide

Please help us to help you to avoid incurring a hefty fine by ensuring that you dispose of your refuse in the correct manner. The following guide shows which bins should be used and the collection days for your area.

Black bin

Type

  • General household waste

Collection

Every other Tuesday

Green bin

Type

  • Paper, cardboard and plastics
  • Waste blubber

Collection

Occasional Mondays

Purple bin

Type

  • Body parts
  • Organic fluids
  • Waste waists

Collection

First Tuesday in Lent

Blue bin

Type

  • Daydreams, strange thoughts and abstract concepts

Collection

January-April

Yellow bin

Type

  • Viscous non-volatile liquids
  • Smells (various)

Collection

Late summer

Gold bin

Type

  • Household pets

Collection

Wednesday afternoon at 2.30pm

Light blue bin

Type

  • Illegal electrical items
  • Incriminating evidence

Collection

When we feel like it

Orange bin

Type

  • VHS editions of Apocalypse Now
  • Paperback copies of Jaws by Peter Benchley
  • Old Monopoly sets with half the property cards missing
  • Signed copies of Push by Bros

Collection

When you're not expecting it

PLEASE NOTE:
The following items CANNOT be collected as part of your household waste.

Nuclear symbol

Nuclear waste

Nuclear symbol

Machine parts

Nuclear symbol

Amphibians

Nuclear symbol

Spare physicists

Nuclear symbol

The A42 between Loughborough and Ashby-de-la-Zouch

Nuclear symbol

Custard

 

IMPORTANT

All bins left out for collection will be recycled.

If you do not want your bin to be recycled please either place a note on it saying 'Please do not recycle my bin', or place your recycling loose on the road outside your property.

Notes pinned to bins will not be recycled.

Please make sure any smells are securely secured within the secure containers provided.

Gravy bins will be emptied when we feel like it. Please apply to the town bailiff if you would like your treacle tank siphoned. Do not, under any circumstances, bring out your dead.


06 May 2020

Stupid Stories

Out now, FREE to download

Stupid Stories

These eleven short stories, previously featured on The University of the Bleeding Obvious, plus two brand new tales, take us to a lost island where kitchen appliances have turned feral, to a fold in time normally hidden from view of ordinary mortals, and to the dark and deathly lair of the Hedgehog King. We join an intrepid adventurer as he attempts to catapult himself to Venus, eavesdrop on the plans and plots of devils and demons, and marvel at the eminent Monsieur La Cranque's attempts to unlock The Mystery of the Shit Faced Man.

There's also a poem, but it's very short, so don't let that put you off.

Includes:

  • Cooker Island
  • Dirty Doings at Featherstone Manor
  • Jacob Wanting
  • Made in Heaven
  • Venus by Catapult
  • Board Meeting
  • Tall Story in a Short Glass
  • Donna Quixote
  • Scrufty's Magic Juju Shoppe
  • The Hedgehog King
  • The Mystery of the Shit Faced Man
  • Noblock and Kerfanderbuck
  • The Day Before Tomorrow
  • The Last Supper

Download FREE PDF

Download FREE EPUB

Download FREE MOBI


10 April 2020

Sid James in Smokey and the Bandit

Sid James in Smokey and the Bandit


28 March 2020

How to be Sweary

with Professor Timothy Bottom

Nowhere is the frenetic pace at which language evolves so excitingly demonstrated than in the field of swearing. If you passionately want someone to know that they are a complete FRUMPBANGLER, or a rancid heap of SPAPCHIT, or even that they are the inbred son of a TWANKY FROOTPAPPER, then you have an almost limitless choice of words and phrases at your disposal. And that choice is expanding all the time as people come up with new insults, oaths and expletives.

So let's take a look at some of the most interesting swearwords in circulation and, if you can get the hang of how to use them, maybe you won't finish up looking like a complete SPRUNT.

Trumpshaft

This word derives from the old German word 'trampschaft', which was used up until the mid-19th century to describe a major component on a foot-treadle operated loom. The trampschaft was known to break frequently, causing significant inconvenience, expense and injury - especially when it flew off unexpectedly and hit workers in the rear.

What made it worse was that the trampschaft was an entirely redundant part of the overall mechanism, serving no purpose other than to provide work for travelling loom menders. Not surprising then that in its modern form TRUMPSHAFT is used to describe something that is unreliable, useless and likely to be a pain in the arse.

Frattocky

If someone called you FRATTOCKY, you might think that it meant that you were like a frattock. Well, that's rubbish, but it's not unexpected since it's exactly the kind of thing that a FRATTOCKY person like you would believe. FRATTOCKY is used to describe someone who jumps to logical conclusions based on perfectly reasonable assumptions, but who must be ridiculed and derided for it all the same. There is no such thing as a 'frattock'. You are not to know that but we're going to laugh about you all the same, because you're so FRATTOCKY.

Speedletwap

SPEEDLETWAP has two distinct meanings, depending on how it is used. If a total stranger was to hiss it at you from their corner of their mouth, perhaps as you were passing them on the street, then it means a small, hand-operated talcum powder dispenser of the type once common in the 18th century. Since such hand-operated talcum powder dispensers are these days quite rare, and since it is even rarer that anyone would want to clandestinely mention such an object to you in the street, the use of the word in this context has all but died out.

Alternatively, if someone was to scream the word SPEEDLETWAP at full volume directly into your face, it means the former residence of Baron Otto von Liepstein of Bavaria. The building was demolished more than eighty years ago and the only person ever known to go around screaming it at people is currently in a secure hospital, so the use of the word in this context is equally rare.

I don't know why I mentioned it, really.

Tupplemonking

In these enlightened times, TUPPLEMONKING is no longer an offence in most Western nations. Not if you're doing it right, anyway. That said, you'd probably get a few disapproving looks if you started TUPPLEMONKING in the fruit and veg aisle of your local supermarket. I certainly did, anyway, and the manager wasn't at all pleased when he had to throw out a whole consignment of fresh radishes.

Chonk

I'm sure most people will be familiar with this one: CHONK is one of the most commonly used words in the English language, helped by the fact that it can be used in a wide variety of different ways. You will surely have heard phrases such as "I couldn't give a CHONK, mate," "What the CHONK do you think you're playing at?" and "This CHONK suddenly got real." But what the CHONK does it all mean? Well some historians think that the word is Roman in origin, but Professor Kyle Barnabas from the Oxford Centre for Frittering Away Public Funding has gone on record to state that this is a load of old CHONK, and that the CHONKING CHONKERS who insist on perpetuating this kind of ill-educated CHONKERY ought to be CHONKED in the CHONKER, then perhaps they'd think twice before opening their stupid CHONKING mouths.

"The word clearly comes from the Greek," Professor Barnabas concludes. "And I'll have anyone who dares say different. Come on, do you want some!"

Grumpfutter

The first known use of this word was on the Rosetta Stone, an ancient Egyptian decree instructing people to stop GRUMPFUTTING in the streets. Ancient Egyptians were forever doing this, probably because they didn't have telly back in olden days, and officials were concerned that it was a public health hazard and was scaring the cattle. Any GRUMPFUTTERS who were caught GRUMPFUTTING had to have a damn good explanation for what they were doing, else they would be heavily fined or thrown in prison. This last punishment proved to be a particularly good deterrent, since Egyptian prison cells were usually far too small to get any GRUMPFUTTING done in any meaningful way.

The word appears on the Rosetta Stone in three different languages, including Egyptian Hieroglyphics, although in most reproductions the symbol for GRUMPFUTTING is censored as it is considered obscene.

Schlunt

Finally, the most recent word on our list. The first known use of SCHLUNT was a week last Tuesday when a man shouted it at me from his car after I accidentally cut him up at a roundabout. Its exact meaning is not clear, but the man didn't half seem cross.


Blog Index

Archive 1

February 2001
- July 2003

Product Recall

"...boxes have been found to contain small canoes..."

Rationalising Britain's River Network

"The problem is that are simply too many of them..."


The Delusion of J Henry Proudfoot

"His flapping jowls tightened into a leer..."

Restaurant Guide

"Top class swanky restaurants..."

more...

 

 

A Real Scoop

"Breaking news: Frog stuck in drain..."


Pixie Guard

"Eradicate the misery of pixies..."

Speed Dating

"Dating at 150mph..."

Kitchen Olympics

"The Kitchen Appliance Olympics pushed forward the barriers of food preparation technology..."

more...

The 'Fluence

Social media influencer saves world

The Cake Escape

Power tools hidden in confectionery.

Factbreakers

The Factmaster's classic TV show.

Pernicious Phlegm

Legendary band to reform.

Climbing the Orinoco

Bid to be the first to scale the river.

Jaggedy

Mrs Lubricant wants to make the coastline 'less jaggedy'.

  Fields of Gold

Fergus farms financiers

Dr Doggy

Not your usual family doctor

Gin

Gin! Gin! Gin!

Most Wanted

The UK's most notorious villains

More...
Professional Scarer
Arty Tomatoes
Jehovahs Cleaners
more
The Hedgehog King Board Meeting Goldilocks and the Free Bears Death Doom and Disaster Tall Story in a Short Glass Venus by Catapult Barry Buys a Broom
The History of Rock
Teaching Carrots to FlyTeaching Carrots to FlyStandard British NunsExtreme Dinosaurs
Instagram   Facebook   Twitter

Site Map

site map

WWW UBO
The Bleeding Obvious Prime Time Gameshow Generator



The University
of the Bleeding Obvious

All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2000-2020, and may not be reproduced without the express permission of the author. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.


Contact:
.

Books and Free Downloads

The UBO Annual 2020 The UBO Annual 2018 The UBO Annual 2017 The UBO Annual 2016 The UBO Annual 2015 The History of Rock The Bongo Lectures Kicking and Screaming Dead Peasants Recalled to Life UBO Volume 1 UBO Volume 2 Death Doom and Disaster Goldilocks and the Free Bears Find out more...