Traffic Watch
Heavy vibes are causing delays on the A52.
Punctuation Crisis
We're running out of apostrophes.
Cooker Island
Where the toasters roam free.
Bad Grandma Grammar
The inappropriate erection of words.
Grampion Strangely's Mountain Rescue
These vulnderable mountains need your help.
Maisy Donnington's Office Safety
How to avoid the business end of a stapler.
Announcing the iSpong
Totally changing the way that people spong in the future.
Art
Selwyn Peach paints Elephants
The Montreux Clinic For Aural Readjustment
Get your wonky flappers straightened here
The Great Space Exhibition
Glorious innovations and technical marvels!
Blood Donors Needed
Please bleed into the envelope provided.
Harry Carson is Watching You
It's a man's life as a modern store detective.
The Horse-Drawn Record Player
Equestrian technology.
Comfy Dinners
A meal fit for a bed.
Ralph Trundle: F1 Driver
We talk to a legend of the circuit
Thinking of Buying an Octopus?
How to look after your squishy friend.
Words of wisdom from our resident medic
...Tigers ...Moles ...Farm Machinery ...Hypnotism ...Fruit ...Soap ...Implants ...Pianos ...Happy Clappers ...The Environment
Glen Twerk is not at Work
Caveat emptor, quo vadis.
Forward to the '80s
How we'll all be travelling in the '80s.
International Arse Kicking
Bottom kicking for fun and profit.
Petty Complaints Ombudsman
Giving your batshit insade complaints the respect they deserve.
Are you ready for Digital Ornithology?
Analogue birds are about to be switched off.
Doing the Lord's Work
Vicars on the job.
The Wackiest Person in the UK
Alison Perkins is a mad as a fish.
Marmaduke Irksome: A Retrospective
Talking crap in the House of Commons.
It's All in the Game
Classic board games from the past.
Cash for Pets
Trade in your unwanted dog.
A Sustained Corporate Battering
We're concerned about Mr Pyle
Amateur Stamp Collector Collector
Want to know how much to pay for a Nigel Tomlinson?
New Deposits of Earwax Discovered
Significant quantities discovered in Mr Harry Frome
Cake Rage
Pastry related assaults.
Diagnosis
Professor Wimple has a dirty mouth.
Death By Pastry
A huge pie just hanging in space.
Pigmongering
Fergus Pong introduces us to this dying art.
Motorcycle Display Teams
A bunch of blokes twatting about on bikes.
Brixham Trouser Museum
The UK 's premier ttouser experience.
Wind Tunnel Technician
Pardon?
Happismiles Emergency Clown Service
For when your regular clown lets you down.
The Language of Dance
Jazz hands and quickstep.
Tax, What Tax?
Sir John Wyndrell has never heard of his own company.
Feathered Friends
Could you befriend a lonely parrot?
Pooley's Fire Distinguisher
Put paid to that firey bullshit.
Buttock Express
Your arse in our hands.
Dark Batter
Is the missing mass in the Universe actually pastry?
Tripping the Dark Fantastic
Hello darkness my old friend
Mathew Sandblaster-Trogg
A bouncy little freak.
Space Things
The continuing adventures of Astro Cat.
Professional Scarer
GRRRRRR! AAAAARRRRGH! GRRRR!
The Discovery of Vitamin G
Great moments in science.
Man Blames ESA for Domestic Eclipse
Mr Cravat is not happy about where they park their stuff.
One-Sided Dice
One-Sided Dice for Fatalists.
Pretty Pictures
Better management through crayons.
The Thoroughfare of Success
Dick Smidgen teaches you how to live your life but better.
The Beaufort Scale
Slight wafts and uninvited pumps.
Christopher Columbus Discoveries Inc
If you've lost it, Chris will find it.
Butterfly
Prof Jim Spanners explains chaos theory
Puzzle Page!
With the amazing Mr Ooluv.
Persons Unknown
Mr Frampton is looking for somoeone to blame.
Food Banking
MPs praise growing industry.
It's a Fact!
More facts from the Funky Fact Feller.
Digital Vicars
The secret ways that vicars communicate?
Cold Fusion Sandwiches
A new era in atomic lunches.
No Offence
The Right Honourable David McGog unapologetically apologises.
Caught by the Fuzz
New Recruitment Initiatives within the UK Police Force.
Hear and Now
For collectors of rare and unusual sounds.
Shave the Moon
Our hairy satellite.
Crystal N.R.G.
Harnessing the mystical bollocks of the universe.
Lillywhite Lenny
On the importance of staying on the fecking horse.
Sounds of Nature
Relax with chickens.
Dougal Fridgely
Possible dwarf planet discovered in Tadcaster
Auras by Post?
Spruce up your chakras
Top Twenty Albums of the '70s
With Ricky Stratocaster, professor of twangology.
Dilbert's Donkey Solutions
Professional donkey storage.
Moroccan Dancing Moles
David Attenburger's Wonderful World of Nature.
Stuff Your Bleeding Job
How to resign digracefully.
Your Staff Feedback, Your Way
Tired of hearing from ungrateful and misguided staff?
An Old Fart Remembers
Do you remember Puthering Day?
Machiavelli Management Solutions
Discipline over distance.
Octo-Fever
Are you allergic to octopuses?
The Fish Olympics
Piscine polevaulting and haddock hurdles.
New Rights for Fictional Characters
It's no longer ok to call Oliver Twist a twat.
Emergency Kebabs
When you absolutely positively need a kebab.
Sofas are From Mars...
The race to put the first sofa on Mars.
Introducing Flying Squirrels
Flying into the side of a house at forty knots...
Award for Outstanding Celebrity
New awards for old has-beens
The Delusion of J Henry Proudfoot
We meet an alien archaeologist.
Know Your Birds
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Modern Day Bird Warfare
Exploding Dinners
Put the fun back into dinner time.
World of Holes
Europe's leading stockist of quality holes.
Squeak Off
The big noise in footwear technology.
The Wonderful World of Ants
Ants, ants, ants, ants!
Flexi Mortem
The only credit card you can use after death.
Dream Strides
Emergency trousers delivered direct to your anxiety nightmare.
Poot
Bigger, Better, Faster, Now!
Veg-U-Like
Tomatoes, cauliflower, brussel sprouts and peas - collect the whole set.
Spooky Doings
The magazine of weird and improbable stuff.
The Unusual Suspects
A message from Det. Insp. Barker Harris.
Greygolds Residential Care Home
Where quality care costs extra.
Skydiving
Skydiving without the unnecessary inconvenience of a parachute.
Teaching Carrots to Fly
The cutting edge of vegetable warfare.
Maisy Donnington's Guide to Perking Yourself Up
Turn that frown upside down.
Staff Handbook
A handy guide to your new workplace.
Optimum Leaning Angles
How to look cool and interesting at an angle.
Baby's First Swear
Teach your little angel to swear like a trooper.
Songs of Inspiration
Jesus Wants Me For His Darts Team.
Drive-by Wallpapering
Delinquent decorating.
We're No Longer Recruiting...
...but here are some of the unlucky applicants
Gerald de Scooter's Restaurant Guide
Top notch swanky grub,
Metal Detecting
German U-Boat Found on Devon Beach.
World of the Wacky
With the Amazing Mr Ooluv
How to Look After Your Cement Mixer
A great addition to any home.
Here Comes Barry Smith
Wise words from Shepton Bassett's number one coach driver.
Mr Bannerman's Evidence
Courtroom confusion.
What's On in Lower Bumpstead
A packed programme, following that unfortunate incident with the fire eater.
Knitting in Colour
This day in 1956 saw the introduction of the first regular colour knitting patterns.
Jars-4-u
Get your jars opened by a professional jar opener!
Whose Legs Are These?
The gameshow for all the family
Brick II
Recycling the rubble.
Centuri Space Supplies
Second hand space travel
The Prime Time Gameshow Generator
As used by TV executives worldwide.
Fine Dining
with Woodroffe Spanker
Anti-Assertiveness Classes
Tone it down a bit.
The Kidderminster Lemon Exchange
Open now for faster, more reliable lemon exchange.
A Fistful of Sausages
Brought to you by the meat marketing board.
Shepton Bassett - A Vision for the Future
Better late than never, our town plan.
Jehovah's Cleaners
Because cleanliness is nexr to godliness.
The Sandwich Advisor
Buying a sandwich is the third most stressful thing you can do.
Rationalising Britain's River Network
Britain's waterways need straightening,
Donald Fact's Fact Breakers
Remembering the classic '70s kids' show.
Ricky Stratocaster's History of Rock
Extreme Dinosaurs
Skateboarding plesiosaurs, rollerblading raptors and a brontosaurus with a space hopper.
Kicking Up a New Stink
Breakthrough leads to discovery of new smell.
Doing Lengths
Mr Zing is swimming from pole to pole
Rob Hammond's Essential Guide to Buddhism
Rob Hammond will give you a spiritual kicking,
Carter-Pierrepoint
Particulate mapping of key delivery nodes.
Bristletech Industries
Do you need to grow a beard? Fast?
Did Man Really Go To Belgium?
The dark truth behind the Belgian conspiracy
Nuclear Garden
Mr Sideboard is not happy about his exploding shed.
Nobby Wentworth's Pet Surgery
Save cash - fix your own pets in the comfort of your own home.
A Ding-Dong Duvets
Prof Reynaud pulls a fast one.
The Drivelling
Troubled Hammer film gets new release.
Rod Stewart and Enya's Rock 'n' Roll Mysteries
Solving crimes and fighting bad guys.
Mrs Womble writes...
Shark Fishing
Fergus Pong has a shark problem.
What Is It?
How what why when who where and when? Hello?
Munchy Burger
Can you cut the mustard as a top burger executive?
Galactic Phrasebook
Learn to speak Venusian!
The Battersea Wigs Home
We never put a healthy wig down.
Help a Pirate in Need
These buccaneers desperately need your support.
Scrufty's Magic Juju Shoppe
A tale of oconker mismanagement.
Is Your Tortoise Roadworthy?
Important news from the Ministry of Tortoises.
The Long Range Trouser Forecast
Overnight corduroys and occasional dungarees.
Wisbech
Theft of town exposed as hoax.
Travel News
Cowboys on the line and bricked up tunnels,
Dobbins of Doncaster
Get yourself a quality ass.
How To Be Sweary
with Professor Timothy Bottom.
Noblock and Kerfanderbuck
All smileytangled cockrock strop.
Local Heroes
Outstanding achievements in the field of vandalism.
National Consumer Instructions Awards
Confusing, badly translated or just plain weird.
Cosmic Background Apathy
Will the universe keep expanding until it can't be bothered anymore?
Neighbor Nightmares: The Movie
Two men, one drive, no prisoners.
Bing Crosby Boxing
Punching singers in the mouth.
Topping Talent
Featuring the Marvellous Undersea Kingdom of Colin Chocolate.
Some more stupid than others.
Barry Buys a Broom
Dirty Doings at Featherstone Manor
Board Meeting
The Day Before Tomnorrow
Tall Story in a Short Glass
The Hedgehog King
The Mystery of the Shitfaced Man
Venus by Catapult
You Again
Death, Doom and Disaster
Goldilocks and the Free Bears
Spread the Good Word!
Your chance to buy shares in the Salvation Army!
British Gas
Sending foreign gas back home.
Tony Fold's Country Rambles
with guest rambler, Rory Triffic.
Barney's Magic Wonder Show
Belinda Sommers reviews the latest production.
Selling Crap for Fun and Profit
The very best in useless tat.
Core Competencies in Office Furniture
Sign up for a certificate in filing cabinets.
Yeti Makeover
Mrs Stenchtrouser is planning an expedition.
Jaggedy
Mrs Lubricant wants a tidiery Britain.
Gentlemen's Etiquette
How to behave right proper and all that.
Mind Your Wind
Issued by the Ministry of Gas, 1942.
Not Funny
Prof Jez Moonbeam is laughable.
The Ultimate Procrastination Suite
Just been handed a project but can't be bothered to get started?
Donald Fact's Fact Blast
It's a Fact, brought to you by Crunchy Flakes.
It's a Fact
Fun facts from the Fact Master. Fank you.
Empire of the Flowers
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Operation Growbag.
An Important Announcement about Fish
Clever trout and erudite pilcards.
The Square Root of Green
Fresh breakthrough in the science of colourology.
Maxi-Lingual for Motorists
Curse fluently in over six languages.
History in Focus
An elbow shaker and a lickspittling mumblecrust
Fats Porker - Blues Whinger
In memory of Crappsville's finest son.
The National Key Museum!
We've got keys!
Welcome to Stick World
If you like sticks, well, we've got sticks.
Well Stuffed
Rogue taxidermist terrorises family pets.
The Embarrasment of Nasal Hair Loss
Nostril wigs for all occasions
Global Moistening
Fear of a wet planet.
Debt Matters
Making you aware of your debt.
The Aromatron
A whole new world of smells awaits you.
Night of the Womble
Unpublished Womble book is dystopian nightmare.
A Very Local Paper
All the news that's local to Mr Henry Droop, Littlehampton.
A Career in Printing
Why not specialise in the colour green?
Evening Courses
Pseudo-academic subjects and frivolous arts and crafts courses.
Maisy Donnington's Cheese Etiquette Page
Your guide to the wonderful world of cheese.
Echo...Echo
Mr Clutterbuck has an echo... echo... echo.
Mr & Mrs Pottle are Lost Again
Why can't these people just stay at home?
So Special
Special beauty therapies for very special people.
An Open Letter to Shepton Bassett Park & Zoo
Sorry about your monkeys.
Oven Chimps
With none of the greasy aftertaste of regular monkeys.
Twenty-First Century Scouting
A woggle for the new miilenium.
Slugbond
Because an inflated slug is a happy slug.
Quality Service at Pooley's
With our motoring correspondent, Martin Carburetor.
St Tiddles in the Font
Parish newsletter.
Dolby Noise Reduction Sausages
Cut out the hiss next breakfast time.
Bean Legacy
This summer, Christian Bale is Mr Bean.
The World Bullshit Record
Team bonding, goal setting and table top brainstorming
Gin!
Gin, gin and more gin!
Piffin: A Mediterranean Paradise
Boasting Europe's biggest landfill.
Cheese Genome Finally Cracked!
Scientific proof of the existence of cheese.
Cosmos Rocks
In an infinite universe, there is no limit to human gullibility.
No More Glasses!
Fry sausages with just a wink of the eye.
Short and Curly
Unlocking the power of curly hair.
Criminal Offence Self-Assessment Form
Tick the box if you're a wrong 'un.
Jazz Bomb
Raw unadulterated jazz.
Pigchums
Meet likeminded pigs in your area!
10 Things You Never Knew About Frogs
Frogtastic Facts
Sugar Free Vegan Diesel
There's no butter in it either.
The Devil's Arse On Tour
Famous cavern to tour country
Inside the Nun Factory
Where do nuns come from?
Why Your Printer Doesn't Work
Most of these devices are allergic to paper.
So You've Got a New Manager?
How to stop it crapping in your in tray.
'Ello 'Ello 'Ello, What's All This Then?
Presenting The Metropolitan Police Choir.
SciFi Fan Draws a Blank
Publisher leaves pages blank to cut costs.
The Alternative Olympics
Speed swingball and dodgem rallying.
The Bleeding Obvious
You pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
Out and About
The International Toast Museum and other attractions.
Linguini!
Learn to speak fluent pasta.
Fraudulent Bananas
Phony fruit.
Eazee-post
Taking the pain out of internet forums.
Bare-knuckle Snooker
The biggest threat to law and order since badminton
Product Recall
Some of our biscuits may contain canoes.
Operation Mutton
The millitary applications of sheep during WWII.
Have you got what it takes to stay in the country?
Be a great Briton. Or get out.
Buy Our Shampoo
Just buy it, ok.
Historic Knees
Knees of outstanding natural beauty.
Astralguard
Insurance for Astral Travellers.
Barry the Road Safety Owl
No nonsense advice from a wise old bird
Some People You've Never Heard Of
Rancid Alan Grease and others.
Petunia Mulch
Plant psychologist.
Old Clothes
Trading Standards warn against dangerously out of date clobber.
The Trivial Accident Group
Have you been slightly inconvenienced at work?
Things Fall Over All the Time
Arthur's train only has wheels on one side.
Something Happened on Tuesday
Probably, but we're not sure what.
The Shepton Bassett Village Fete
In aid of the St Tiddles in the Font Restoration Fund.
How Long is a Piece of String?
The hit gameshow for all the family.
In the market for a used policeman?
How to spot a dodgy copper.
For Kids of All Ages...
Introducing our new range of children's books.
Fatquake
A sad farewell to the world's fatest man.
Mr Gammon's Objections
Shepton Bassett Council Responds
Cock
The magazine for young gentlemen.
Scoop!
Local frog trapped in drain.
Arty Tomatoes
Guy Pakker's latest artistic venture.
Ant Facts
with Donald Fact.
Cut Price Chips
You like chips? You like lots of chips?
Typists of the Kalahari
Shorthand tigers and double entry hippos.
Fleegle
New number has consequences for the future of the universe. And bingo.
All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2000-2024, and may not be reproduced without the express permission of the author. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. || Picture Credits: P.Farnsworth/morguefile.com/craiyon.com. || Privacy Notice: this site does not collect, store or otherwise process your personal data. Sorry, but I'm not the slightest bit interested in you.
