28 August 2019

Moggy Gone


evil bastard cat


When it's not scratching the hell out of your furniture or littering your house with the dismembered remnants of the local wildlife, it's shitting in your flowerbeds, so isn't it time you gave serious thought to getting rid of the bleeding thing?

Losing a cat isn't easy; they have an unfortunate habit of finding their way home. This is why you need professionals on the job. This is why you need Moggy Gone.

Here at Moggy Gone we have a dedicated team of transport professionals who can deposit your troublesome tabby in some of the most remote locations on the planet. There is no way that puss will find his way back from the Arctic unaided and a return ticket from the Amazon basin is far beyond the means of even the most fiscally flawless of felines.

If you need further reassurance why not opt for our 'Supervillain' package, where for a modest additional fee we will drop your problem pet into an active volcano or fire it into space. Your cat will enjoy the ride of its life and we guarantee that you'll never have to clean up after the filthy animal ever again.

Moggy Gone

There's no coming back. Honestly.


31 July 2019

Glen Twerk is not at Work

Rumpole, Hutz and Petrocelli
22 Affidavit Street

Dear Sirs or Madams

I write, inter alia, in connection with the recent dismissal from your company of Mr Glen Twerk, carpe diem. As Mr Twerk's actual proper lawyer - and not just his mate from the darts team who's offered to knock up a vaguely legal-sounding letter for him - I have advised my client that the termination of his contract constitutes, herewith and forthwith, unfair dismissal, in addition to being wrongful dismissal and possibly habeas corpus and a bit of the old droit du seigneur, as well.

I am given to understand, dictum factum, that you assert there has never been any agreement in place that my client should be permitted to work from home. Well, if you will excuse the legal parlance, that is bang out of order, mate. Having reviewed Mr Twerk's contract, in between matches down at the Royal Oak last Saturday evening, I have found, quo vadis, no clause that specifically forbids home working. I am sure, per ardua ad astra, that the repercussions of this omission will be quite plain to you. For the avoidance of doubt I would refer you to the case of Atomic Cleaners Ltd vs Maximillian the Wonder Dog, which clearly establishes a precedent, quod erat demonstrandum and, indeed, in flagrante delicto.

In vino veritas and, ergo, post meridian. Or, in other words, we've got you by the cobblers there, son.

Howsoever and wherefore art thou, notwithstanding the contractual ramifications, my client and I have considered your argument that since Mr Twerk was employed in the capacity of forklift truck operator in your warehouse, working from home was not, and never would be, a viable and practical way of fulfilling his contractual obligations. We are sympathetic, of course, but feel that this is still a rather thin justification for the removal of my client's basic rights.

Our response to this is in two parts. Firstly, and penultimately, we feel that your attitude shows a remarkable deficiency of understanding of modern work practices, vis-à-vis and pro bono, technologies and methodologies that mean that working from home is both economically and environmentally advantageous to all parties.

Secondly, and finally, myself and Mr Twerk have carried out a number of practical assessments, and as a result of these tests we have proved the Mr Twerk is perfectly able to operate his forklift in his front room, with only slight damage to the furniture and minimal complaints from the neighbours.

In conclusion, sine qua non, ex post facto, caveat emptor and spaghetti carbonara, my client and I have significant reason to believe that we've got you done up like a bleeding kipper. What you got to say about that then, mush?

Yours Faithfully

Perry Rumpole, Bsc, Tcp, WD40
Solicitor at Law


Exhibit A


24 July 2019

Goths in Gardens

Goths in Gardens

There's really nothing better than watching a shy, timorous young goth, hidden beneath its protective camouflage of foundation and eyeliner, as it jabs away at the sun-baked earth with a rusty garden fork.

Most people take the view that goths are best left to their own devices, wallowing in self-pity in some dark and gloomy corner of their bedrooms, and this really is a great pity. The truth is that they flourish in sunlight and frequently manage to dredge up some vestige of inner joy when surrounded by the vibrant colours of nature. With the sun on their startled little faces, it's as if they somehow come alive.

That's what Goths in Gardens is really all about. We are a charity that reaches out to sociopathic and disaffected young goths, dragging them, often reluctantly, blinking into the daylight. At our specially designed goth-friendly allotment they get a chance to get their hands dirty working with the soil, gaining valuable new life skills, learning all sorts of interesting things about slugs and snails and spending quality time with tomatoes.

Goth tent

The Goth Tent.
These special blackout cubicles provide a safe retreat for timid and confused goths when sunlight becomes too much for them.

And now we're reaching out to you. Trowels don't come cheap so we're asking you to give whatever you can to help our worthy cause. And perhaps, with your help, we can finally help these poor disadvantaged goths to become valued members of society rather than the miserable and whiney little freaks that they are.


Goths: The Fact and the Fiction

There are many misconceptions about goths. Here we take a few moments to explode a few of them... Misconceptions, that is, not goths.

Contrary to popular belief, goths do not shrivel up when exposed to sunlight.

Although there are fewer of them around these days, goths are not officially an endangered species. You're thinking of pandas.

Goths are not waterproof and will fall apart like a wet paper bag when exposed to moisture.

Goths do not eat bamboo. Again, that's pandas.

Many people still believe that goths are not allowed on British roads. If fact it has been legal for a goth to drive a motor vehicle since 1983.

Goths are not capable of intercepting radio signals and, despite the rumours, have never been used by the intelligence services for counter espionage.

Children's author Elizabeth Beresford did not base the Wombles on a goth called Bertie Muffin whom she met on Wimbledon Common in 1967.

Although usually a slow and shambling creature, goths are capable of reaching speeds of up to 38mph.

Goths do not have any inhibitions about mating in captivity... pandas again.


22 July 2019



An Exciting New Investment Opportunity

Maintaining a good quality shoe can be a pain in the wallet - and a pair is double the expense. It's not just about finding shoes that are comfortable, stylish and hardwearing. You also need to ensure that they're roadworthy, correctly balanced and compliant with emissions regulations.

Rent-A-Shoe is a new business venture that aims to address this problem.

Renting shoes in an uncertain world

Right now, few people give serious consideration to renting their footwear - but over the next few years all that is set to change. Environmental concerns and the rising cost of shoe leather mean that the traditional owner-occupier model of shoe distribution will rapidly become a thing of the past. The future lies in leasing and Rent-A-Shoe aims to place itself squarely at the forefront of this exciting new market.

So why is Rent-A-Shoe the natural choice for investors?

A new paradigm in shoe utilisation

Well, between them, Rent-A-Shoe's directors already have over twenty years' experience in the quality hat rental arena, easily outperforming competing hat rental companies in terms of both sales and customer feedback. That same model will help us gain a foothold* in the shoe leasing business.

Rent-A-Shoe's customers can enjoy great value, whilst our extensive service packages mean that they can avoid expensive maintenance costs. Innovation. Excellence. Shoes.Rent-A-Shoe will also boast the greatest choice, offering a wide range of styles, so that customers can always be sure of having the right shoe for the right occasion. Our boast is that whether it's a smart brogue, a glitzy stiletto or a sturdy, all-terrain welly, Rent-A-Shoe will always be one step ahead.

If you'd like to get your foot in the door of this sensational new opportunity, register for our investment prospectus now.

Apply now and get a free sausage!

A Free Sausage!

*Pun intended. †This one too. ‡Not this one though.

19 July 2019

Sticking Flags in Stuff


"It's not theft. I'm staking a claim."

So says Harry Barrel, who for the last fifty years has been going round sticking flags into other people's stuff. At 76 years of age, Harry is a familiar sight around Doncaster and those outlying villages fortunate enough to be situated on a convenient bus route. Locals are used to seeing him thrusting flagpoles into things that don't belong to him, but which he thinks ought to. No one is clear about why he has chosen to terrorise Doncaster in particular, although it's fair to say that if he tried the same sort of nonsense in Glasgow, which is where he actually lives, the locals would most probably have sorted him out years ago.

His most recent spree saw him in court after he impaled a Volvo and then tried to make off with it - an enterprise destined for failure since, impressively, he managed to drive the flagpole straight through the engine block. The vehicle barely managed a cough and a splutter before the local rozzers arrived to effect an arrest.

In summing up, the judge congratulated Mr Barrel on his athleticism - such prodigious strength being especially impressive for someone in such an advanced state of decay - but suggested that perhaps his talents might be put to better use. It needs to be said that this feller was relatively new to the business of judging - he still had the price ticket in his wig - and had he been older and wiser he would have known that his advice would fall on stony ground. In this instance, as had happened so many times before, Mr Barrel was unrepentant and used the occasion of his trial to make his case.

"Putting flags in things is a perfectly legitimate way of legally transferring ownership of goods," Mr Barrel announced, much to the delight of the spectators and assembled media, who view him as a combination of folk hero and batty eccentric. He continued: "Whole empires have been founded on the principle of sticking flags in stuff. It is a noble tradition, which I intend to continue, no matter what the consequences."

Mr Barrel was led away, accompanied by loud cheers, and it is reported that the court usher requested his autograph.


Some of the items that Mr. Barrel has 'claimed' over the years.

Microwave Guardsman Caravan


Blog Index

Archive 1

February 2001
- July 2003

Signs of the Times

"Kent Constabulary Five-0 has been erecting signs..."

Cheese Genome

"Conclusive proof of the existence of cheese..."


Dougal Fridgely

"The discovery of Mr Dougal Fridgely..."

First Annual Bleeding Obvious Award

"Anyone can learn to act, or paint, or dance..."




Getaway Driver

"Getaway Driver Seeks Robbery..."

The Nobel Flap Award

"Exciting and challenging work being done in the field of flap research and design..."

Clown Hitman

"Clown Hitman Behind Bars..."

The Wackiest Person in the UK

"...madcap antics ..."


Archive 3

Skippy's Opera

The sound of fury


Procrastination software for business

Blood Donors

Post your blood to us now.

Anthony Spock's Wine Guide

Top plonk

Cornwall on Loan to USA

Picturesque county goes on tour.

Drive-by Wallpapering

Guerilla decorating

  Food Banking

David Chumbly, MP for Waitrose

It's a Fact

with Donald Fact


Poor little fishys

Today on the Dog Exchange

Labradors are performing well

Arty Tomatoes
Jehovahs Cleaners
Professional Scarer
Kicking and Screaming

Prologue: Peanuts

You Don't Have to be Mad to Work Here...

Machiavelli Management Solutions

The Bleeding Obvious

Exploding Dogs

Baby's First Swear

Scrufty's Magic Juju Shop


Empire of the Flowers


Mrs Wilberforce and the River

Epilogue: Persons Unknown

Golfing bird
Jubilee Street
Self Service
(Big) Society
Rock and Roll Postman
From Your Prospective Representative
Baron Havoc Regrets
I Don't Mind If I Do
Unlimited Capability
Help Yourself
Jacob Wanting
Chip Papers, Doggy Doings & Sick
There Are No Monsters Here
The Last Supper
The Hedgehog King Board Meeting Goldilocks and the Free Bears Death Doom and Disaster Tall Story in a Short Glass Venus by Catapult Barry Buys a Broom
The History of Rock
Teaching Carrots to FlyTeaching Carrots to FlyStandard British NunsExtreme Dinosaurs
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of the Bleeding Obvious

All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2000-2019, and may not be reproduced without the express permission of the author. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.


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