Ant Facts
with Donald Fact.
The Language of Dance
Jazz hands and quickstep.
Caught by the Fuzz
New Recruitment Initiatives within the UK Police Force.
Crystal N.R.G.
Harnessing the mystical bollocks of the universe.
Greygolds Residential Care Home
Where quality care costs extra.
A Fistful of Sausages
Brought to you by the meat marketing board.
10 Things You Never Knew About Frogs
Frogtastic Facts
World of Holes
Europe's leading stockist of quality holes.
Night of the Womble
Unpublished Womble book is dystopian nightmare.
Slugbond
Because an inflated slug is a happy slug.
Extreme Dinosaurs
Skateboarding plesiosaurs, rollerblading raptors and a brontosaurus with a space hopper.
Arty Tomatoes
Guy Pakker's latest artistic venture.
Top Twenty Albums of the '70s
With Ricky Stratocaster, professor of twangology.
Product Recall
Some of our biscuits may contain canoes.
Happismiles Emergency Clown Service
For when your regular clown lets you down.
Bing Crosby Boxing
Punching singers in the mouth.
Words of wisdom from our resident medic
...Tigers ...Moles ...Farm Machinery ...Hypnotism ...Fruit ...Soap ...Implants ...Pianos ...Happy Clappers ...The Environment
Dilbert's Donkey Solutions
Professional donkey storage.
Shave the Moon
Our hairy satellite.
Maxi-Lingual for Motorists
Curse fluently in over six languages.
Emergency Kebabs
When you absolutely positively need a kebab.
Pigmongering
Fergus Pong introduces us to this dying art.
Carter-Pierrepoint
Particulate mapping of key delivery nodes.
Pigchums
Meet likeminded pigs in your area!
The Delusion of J Henry Proudfoot
We meet an alien archaeologist.
Digital Vicars
The secret ways that vicars communicate?
No More Glasses!
Fry sausages with just a wink of the eye.
Is Your Tortoise Roadworthy?
Important news from the Ministry of Tortoises.
Criminal Offence Self-Assessment Form
Tick the box if you're a wrong 'un.
Debt Matters
Making you aware of your debt.
The Horse-Drawn Record Player
Equestrian technology.
Know Your Birds
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Modern Day Bird Warfare
Global Moistening
Fear of a wet planet.
Jazz Bomb
Raw unadulterated jazz.
Things Fall Over All the Time
Arthur's train only has wheels on one side.
Sugar Free Vegan Diesel
There's no butter in it either.
Twenty-First Century Scouting
A woggle for the new miilenium.
Metal Detecting
German U-Boat Found on Devon Beach.
Space Things
The continuing adventures of Astro Cat.
Hear and Now
For collectors of rare and unusual sounds.
Rod Stewart and Enya's Rock 'n' Roll Mysteries
Solving crimes and fighting bad guys.
How to Look After Your Cement Mixer
A great addition to any home.
The Embarrasment of Nasal Hair Loss
Nostril wigs for all occasions
Food Banking
MPs praise growing industry.
The Beaufort Scale
Slight wafts and uninvited pumps.
Fine Dining
with Woodroffe Spanker
Why Your Printer Doesn't Work
Most of these devices are allergic to paper.
Scoop!
Local frog trapped in drain.
The Long Range Trouser Forecast
Overnight corduroys and occasional dungarees.
Piffin: A Mediterranean Paradise
Boasting Europe's biggest landfill.
British Gas
Sending foreign gas back home.
Munchy Burger
Can you cut the mustard as a top burger executive?
Here Comes Barry Smith
Wise words from Shepton Bassett's number one coach driver.
Nobby Wentworth's Pet Surgery
Save cash - fix your own pets in the comfort of your own home.
Pretty Pictures
Better management through crayons.
The National Key Museum!
We've got keys!
Short and Curly
Unlocking the power of curly hair.
An Old Fart Remembers
Do you remember Puthering Day?
Cock
The magazine for young gentlemen.
Diagnosis
Professor Wimple has a dirty mouth.
The Fish Olympics
Piscine polevaulting and haddock hurdles.
Blood Donors Needed
Please bleed into the envelope provided.
The Alternative Olympics
Speed swingball and dodgem rallying.
Donald Fact's Fact Breakers
Remembering the classic '70s kids' show.
Brick II
Recycling the rubble.
The Unusual Suspects
A message from Det. Insp. Barker Harris.
Bristletech Industries
Do you need to grow a beard? Fast?
What Is It?
How what why when who where and when? Hello?
Harry Carson is Watching You
It's a man's life as a modern store detective.
Skydiving
Skydiving without the unnecessary inconvenience of a parachute.
Wisbech
Theft of town exposed as hoax.
A Very Local Paper
All the news that's local to Mr Henry Droop, Littlehampton.
Spooky Doings
The magazine of weird and improbable stuff.
How Long is a Piece of String?
The hit gameshow for all the family.
Evening Courses
Pseudo-academic subjects and frivolous arts and crafts courses.
Baby's First Swear
Teach your little angel to swear like a trooper.
The Kidderminster Lemon Exchange
Open now for faster, more reliable lemon exchange.
Whose Legs Are These?
The gameshow for all the family
Cheese Genome Finally Cracked!
Scientific proof of the existence of cheese.
Rationalising Britain's River Network
Britain's waterways need straightening,
Mr & Mrs Pottle are Lost Again
Why can't these people just stay at home?
Cosmic Background Apathy
Will the universe keep expanding until it can't be bothered anymore?
Gentlemen's Etiquette
How to behave right proper and all that.
Mind Your Wind
Issued by the Ministry of Gas, 1942.
Help a Pirate in Need
These buccaneers desperately need your support.
Cut Price Chips
You like chips? You like lots of chips?
Optimum Leaning Angles
How to look cool and interesting at an angle.
Old Clothes
Trading Standards warn against dangerously out of date clobber.
Staff Handbook
A handy guide to your new workplace.
Stuff Your Bleeding Job
How to resign digracefully.
A Career in Printing
Why not specialise in the colour green?
Buttock Express
Your arse in our hands.
Cooker Island
Where the toasters roam free.
Typists of the Kalahari
Shorthand tigers and double entry hippos.
Travel News
Cowboys on the line and bricked up tunnels,
Auras by Post?
Spruce up your chakras
Astralguard
Insurance for Astral Travellers.
The Wackiest Person in the UK
Alison Perkins is a mad as a fish.
Dark Batter
Is the missing mass in the Universe actually pastry?
History in Focus
An elbow shaker and a lickspittling mumblecrust
Well Stuffed
Rogue taxidermist terrorises family pets.
Tax, What Tax?
Sir John Wyndrell has never heard of his own company.
Spread the Good Word!
Your chance to buy shares in the Salvation Army!
So You've Got a New Manager?
How to stop it crapping in your in tray.
Anti-Assertiveness Classes
Tone it down a bit.
New Rights for Fictional Characters
It's no longer ok to call Oliver Twist a twat.
The World Bullshit Record
Team bonding, goal setting and table top brainstorming
The Aromatron
A whole new world of smells awaits you.
Welcome to Stick World
If you like sticks, well, we've got sticks.
Moroccan Dancing Moles
David Attenburger's Wonderful World of Nature.
Out and About
The International Toast Museum and other attractions.
No Offence
The Right Honourable David McGog unapologetically apologises.
'Ello 'Ello 'Ello, What's All This Then?
Presenting The Metropolitan Police Choir.
Bad Grandma Grammar
The inappropriate erection of words.
Gin!
Gin, gin and more gin!
Traffic Watch
Heavy vibes are causing delays on the A52.
The Battersea Wigs Home
We never put a healthy wig down.
Kicking Up a New Stink
Breakthrough leads to discovery of new smell.
The Bleeding Obvious
You pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
Jaggedy
Mrs Lubricant wants a tidiery Britain.
Squeak Off
The big noise in footwear technology.
Your Staff Feedback, Your Way
Tired of hearing from ungrateful and misguided staff?
Noblock and Kerfanderbuck
All smileytangled cockrock strop.
Sounds of Nature
Relax with chickens.
National Consumer Instructions Awards
Confusing, badly translated or just plain weird.
Dolby Noise Reduction Sausages
Cut out the hiss next breakfast time.
New Deposits of Earwax Discovered
Significant quantities discovered in Mr Harry Frome
A Ding-Dong Duvets
Prof Reynaud pulls a fast one.
The Prime Time Gameshow Generator
As used by TV executives worldwide.
Ricky Stratocaster's History of Rock
Sofas are From Mars...
The race to put the first sofa on Mars.
Something Happened on Tuesday
Probably, but we're not sure what.
Tony Fold's Country Rambles
with guest rambler, Rory Triffic.
Flexi Mortem
The only credit card you can use after death.
Death By Pastry
A huge pie just hanging in space.
Neighbor Nightmares: The Movie
Two men, one drive, no prisoners.
Announcing the iSpong
Totally changing the way that people spong in the future.
Gerald de Scooter's Restaurant Guide
Top notch swanky grub,
Marmaduke Irksome: A Retrospective
Talking crap in the House of Commons.
Dobbins of Doncaster
Get yourself a quality ass.
So Special
Special beauty therapies for very special people.
Punctuation Crisis
We're running out of apostrophes.
Mrs Womble writes...
Forward to the '80s
How we'll all be travelling in the '80s.
Mr Gammon's Objections
Shepton Bassett Council Responds
An Open Letter to Shepton Bassett Park & Zoo
Sorry about your monkeys.
Christopher Columbus Discoveries Inc
If you've lost it, Chris will find it.
Did Man Really Go To Belgium?
The dark truth behind the Belgian conspiracy
Jars-4-u
Get your jars opened by a professional jar opener!
Pooley's Fire Distinguisher
Put paid to that firey bullshit.
Professional Scarer
GRRRRRR! AAAAARRRRGH! GRRRR!
It's a Fact
Fun facts from the Fact Master. Fank you.
Yeti Makeover
Mrs Stenchtrouser is planning an expedition.
The Shepton Bassett Village Fete
In aid of the St Tiddles in the Font Restoration Fund.
Machiavelli Management Solutions
Discipline over distance.
Eazee-post
Taking the pain out of internet forums.
Inside the Nun Factory
Where do nuns come from?
Donald Fact's Fact Blast
It's a Fact, brought to you by Crunchy Flakes.
Octo-Fever
Are you allergic to octopuses?
Mathew Sandblaster-Trogg
A bouncy little freak.
Fatquake
A sad farewell to the world's fatest man.
Doing the Lord's Work
Vicars on the job.
Grampion Strangely's Mountain Rescue
These vulnderable mountains need your help.
Some more stupid than others.
Barry Buys a Broom
Dirty Doings at Featherstone Manor
Board Meeting
The Day Before Tomnorrow
Tall Story in a Short Glass
The Hedgehog King
The Mystery of the Shitfaced Man
Venus by Catapult
You Again
Death, Doom and Disaster
Goldilocks and the Free Bears
Quality Service at Pooley's
With our motoring correspondent, Martin Carburetor.
In the market for a used policeman?
How to spot a dodgy copper.
The Montreux Clinic For Aural Readjustment
Get your wonky flappers straightened here
Knitting in Colour
This day in 1956 saw the introduction of the first regular colour knitting patterns.
Motorcycle Display Teams
A bunch of blokes twatting about on bikes.
The Drivelling
Troubled Hammer film gets new release.
Centuri Space Supplies
Second hand space travel
The Sandwich Advisor
Buying a sandwich is the third most stressful thing you can do.
A Sustained Corporate Battering
We're concerned about Mr Pyle
Doing Lengths
Mr Zing is swimming from pole to pole
The Great Space Exhibition
Glorious innovations and technical marvels!
Barney's Magic Wonder Show
Belinda Sommers reviews the latest production.
Not Funny
Prof Jez Moonbeam is laughable.
How To Be Sweary
with Professor Timothy Bottom.
Rob Hammond's Essential Guide to Buddhism
Rob Hammond will give you a spiritual kicking,
What's On in Lower Bumpstead
A packed programme, following that unfortunate incident with the fire eater.
Exploding Dinners
Put the fun back into dinner time.
Shepton Bassett - A Vision for the Future
Better late than never, our town plan.
It's All in the Game
Classic board games from the past.
Selling Crap for Fun and Profit
The very best in useless tat.
Local Heroes
Outstanding achievements in the field of vandalism.
Oven Chimps
With none of the greasy aftertaste of regular monkeys.
One-Sided Dice
One-Sided Dice for Fatalists.
World of the Wacky
With the Amazing Mr Ooluv
Jehovah's Cleaners
Because cleanliness is nexr to godliness.
Dougal Fridgely
Possible dwarf planet discovered in Tadcaster
Nuclear Garden
Mr Sideboard is not happy about his exploding shed.
Fats Porker - Blues Whinger
In memory of Crappsville's finest son.
Veg-U-Like
Tomatoes, cauliflower, brussel sprouts and peas - collect the whole set.
The Thoroughfare of Success
Dick Smidgen teaches you how to live your life but better.
Glen Twerk is not at Work
Caveat emptor, quo vadis.
Maisy Donnington's Guide to Perking Yourself Up
Turn that frown upside down.
Maisy Donnington's Office Safety
How to avoid the business end of a stapler.
Fraudulent Bananas
Phony fruit.
Bean Legacy
This summer, Christian Bale is Mr Bean.
Petty Complaints Ombudsman
Giving your batshit insade complaints the respect they deserve.
Petunia Mulch
Plant psychologist.
Barry the Road Safety Owl
No nonsense advice from a wise old bird
Comfy Dinners
A meal fit for a bed.
Award for Outstanding Celebrity
New awards for old has-beens
Topping Talent
Featuring the Marvellous Undersea Kingdom of Colin Chocolate.
Drive-by Wallpapering
Delinquent decorating.
Butterfly
Prof Jim Spanners explains chaos theory
International Arse Kicking
Bottom kicking for fun and profit.
Feathered Friends
Could you befriend a lonely parrot?
Cash for Pets
Trade in your unwanted dog.
Fleegle
New number has consequences for the future of the universe. And bingo.
Songs of Inspiration
Jesus Wants Me For His Darts Team.
Tripping the Dark Fantastic
Hello darkness my old friend
Art
Selwyn Peach paints Elephants
Ralph Trundle: F1 Driver
We talk to a legend of the circuit
The Square Root of Green
Fresh breakthrough in the science of colourology.
Mr Bannerman's Evidence
Courtroom confusion.
Amateur Stamp Collector Collector
Want to know how much to pay for a Nigel Tomlinson?
An Important Announcement about Fish
Clever trout and erudite pilcards.
Buy Our Shampoo
Just buy it, ok.
Shark Fishing
Fergus Pong has a shark problem.
Have you got what it takes to stay in the country?
Be a great Briton. Or get out.
Empire of the Flowers
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Operation Growbag.
Puzzle Page!
With the amazing Mr Ooluv.
Scrufty's Magic Juju Shoppe
A tale of oconker mismanagement.
The Wonderful World of Ants
Ants, ants, ants, ants!
Are you ready for Digital Ornithology?
Analogue birds are about to be switched off.
We're No Longer Recruiting...
...but here are some of the unlucky applicants
The Trivial Accident Group
Have you been slightly inconvenienced at work?
It's a Fact!
More facts from the Funky Fact Feller.
Operation Mutton
The millitary applications of sheep during WWII.
Man Blames ESA for Domestic Eclipse
Mr Cravat is not happy about where they park their stuff.
Introducing Flying Squirrels
Flying into the side of a house at forty knots...
The Devil's Arse On Tour
Famous cavern to tour country
Core Competencies in Office Furniture
Sign up for a certificate in filing cabinets.
Poot
Bigger, Better, Faster, Now!
Maisy Donnington's Cheese Etiquette Page
Your guide to the wonderful world of cheese.
Some People You've Never Heard Of
Rancid Alan Grease and others.
St Tiddles in the Font
Parish newsletter.
Persons Unknown
Mr Frampton is looking for somoeone to blame.
Teaching Carrots to Fly
The cutting edge of vegetable warfare.
Cosmos Rocks
In an infinite universe, there is no limit to human gullibility.
Brixham Trouser Museum
The UK 's premier trouser experience.
Bare-knuckle Snooker
The biggest threat to law and order since badminton
Dream Strides
Emergency trousers delivered direct to your anxiety nightmare.
Historic Knees
Knees of outstanding natural beauty.
Thinking of Buying an Octopus?
How to look after your squishy friend.
Cake Rage
Pastry related assaults.
For Kids of All Ages...
Introducing our new range of children's books.
Linguini!
Learn to speak fluent pasta.
SciFi Fan Draws a Blank
Publisher leaves pages blank to cut costs.
Wind Tunnel Technician
Pardon?
Lillywhite Lenny
On the importance of staying on the fecking horse.
The Discovery of Vitamin G
Great moments in science.
The Ultimate Procrastination Suite
Just been handed a project but can't be bothered to get started?
Cold Fusion Sandwiches
A new era in atomic lunches.
Echo...Echo
Mr Clutterbuck has an echo... echo... echo.
Galactic Phrasebook
Learn to speak Venusian!
All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2000-2026, and may not be reproduced without the express permission of the author. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. || Picture Credits: P.Farnsworth/morguefile.com/craiyon.com. || Privacy Notice: this site does not collect, store or otherwise process your personal data. Sorry, but I'm not the slightest bit interested in you.
