A right load of dodgy villains, and no mistake
Coming this season to The Discovery Channel.
A breakthrough for nuclear powered lunches
Jez Moonbeam discovers the joke particle
Sir Christian Pyle shows us his nuts
If your collarbone is there to keep your shoulders on and your shins give you somewhere to hang your trousers, what is your tailbone for? That's the question posed by Dr Leonard Skynard of the Museum of Groovy Piccalilli in Reykjavik and after five years of super-advanced number crunching he now has the answer.
"It's to stop your spine falling out," he told us. "The coccyx acts as a kind of endcap which keeps your vertebrae in place. Without it your backbone would just drop straight out through your arse. As a side note I'd just like to add that we suspect that early man developed elbows so that he could flap his arms about and pretend to be a chicken, but you really shouldn't quote me on that."
We asked Dr Skynard if he had anything else to tell us about this astounding revelation. "I think I've probably said enough," he said.
Geoff Geoffreys is thrilled to announce that he has invented the Geoffoscope, a revolutionary new device capable of pinpointing the location of people called 'Geoff' down to the nearest centimetre, wherever they may be on the planet.
"For too long Geoffs have been ignored by society, cast aside and denied the opportunity to glory in their essential Geoffness," Geoff told us. "Now at last we have the means to reach out and touch Geoffs who until now may have felt isolated and alone. We can encourage them to cherish their Geoffosity with pride, and empower them to confront Geoffism wherever it may be. Together we can build a true Geoffocracy where Geoffs can at last enjoy the respect and recognition that they truly deserve."
Initial trials of Geoff's Geoffoscope have produced mixed results, with the latest test run yielding just two Barrys and a Simon. "We may still have some way to go," Geoff admitted.
A technology company operating out of Stockholm has developed what it believes will be a whole new concept in printer technology. "Most commercially available printers have an inbuilt fear of paper and an inherent antipathy towards ink," says Edvard Persson, CEO of Draugr Technologies. "Ask them to print out a document and they will spend about ten minutes receiving data, another fifteen cleaning the print head, eight minutes telling you to wait for no specified reason and then ultimately they will inform you that the document cannot be printed because there is a paper jam.
"There is no paper jam, of course, but that won't stop the printer repeatedly telling you to clear it. You're then stuck in a stalemate - you obviously cannot clear a non-existent fault, but neither can you cancel the print job, since the machine will steadfastly continue to attempt to perform your instruction in spite of all your attempts to stop it. Short of taking an axe to the thing there is nothing you can do to persuade it to desist. And even then there's no guarantee - reduce the bastard machine to a thousand splintered fragments and each of those pieces will still retain the memory of the task you gave it to perform, even though there was never any intention of actually carrying it out in the first place."
Researchers at the company have spent the last four years trying to resolve the problem and have come to the conclusion that most modern printers are simply unequal to the task of coaxing a 0.342mm thick sheet of material through a roller and simply surrender before they even attempt such a Herculean feat. The plain fact is that, despite all the miracles that modern technology has achieved, no one has worked out how to put a piece of paper in one end of a printer and get it to come out the other without fucking losing it somewhere in the middle.
"It's frustrating," says Persson, "and we feel your pain. We've spent many, many hours shouting, cursing and screaming at equipment, but all to no avail. Turns out that printers are actually quite sensitive souls and react negatively to abuse. We have therefore initiated a programme to help empower our equipment and bolster its confidence. All of our printers undergo many hours of therapy before we release them onto to market, making them better able to cope with the stresses and strains of office and domestic life. By the time it reaches the customer it should be fully adjusted to its role as a printer and able to carry out that function without constantly issuing feeble excuses like the cringingly inadequate, badly designed, woefully engineered, shoddily constructed, criminally overpriced, laughably under-powered, pitifully ramshackle, embarrassingly shabby piece of junk that it really is"
In the market for a used policeman?
That second-hand constable could be stolen. Thefts of policemen are on the increase as criminals target serving officers to sell on the black market.
Police forces in the UK periodically sell off surplus policemen, but only through authorised outlets. That way they can ensure that all officers offered to the public are fully tested and compliant with current regulations.
If you should find a policeman being sold at a market, second-hand shop or car boot sale, the chances are that it's faulty, dangerous or bent. It might not even by a policeman at all, merely a reconditioned traffic warden or two car park attendants welded together.
So, if you're looking to purchase a cheap second-hand policeman, make sure you choose a retailer displaying the Copwatch sign.
Your Guarantee of a Quality Copper
Controversy surrounds the decision to grant planning permission to a new conservatory in the West Midlands. The proposed structure has three levels, a cinema, a food court, a floor space of 150,000 square metres and two car parks.
Large scale changes to the surrounding road layout, evidence of a significant volume of commercial activity, an extensive advertising campaign and the fact that the complex is four and a half miles from the building to which it's supposed to be attached have led some people to the conclusion that this is a retail development and not actually a conservatory at all.
Responding to these criticisms, local planning officer Sally Hod nevertheless maintained that the application had been considered extremely thoroughly. "It's unusual, certainly," she explained. "Not many conservatories have escalators, for example. But we're quite confident that there's nothing improper about this application. Our experts have examined the plans very carefully, and it clearly says 'conservatory' at the top."
See the full list
A breakthrough in lunch technology.
The XII Fish Olympiad
Nuns don't grow on trees
Relax with chickens
The latest in laser eye surgery
Courtesy of the ladies of Melton Mowbray
"Wrap your brains around these fiendish puzzles..."
"Conclusive proof of the existence of cheese..."
Hot on the heels of Tomb Raider and Final Fantasy, the latest video game to get the movie treatment is the cult classic, Pong. The game, credited as being the first commercially available video game, involves knocking a small dot back and forth between two opposing blocks. The question is, can such an apparently meagre premise be able to support a major motion picture release? Producer Jack Foley thinks it can.
"Hey!" he told us with some considerable feeling, and even more considerable volume, "we're not doing Charles Shakespeare here! All that 'Wuthering Heights' stuff was all very well in 1342, or whenever, but these days people want spectacle. Wanna know why people don't go to see movies from a hundred years ago? Wanna know why films from the middle ages ain't packing the theatres? 'Cause they're yesterday, that's why. Wanna see minstrels and shit, and people in tights? Go rent a video. Wanna see some upper class limey butlers and painted backdrops in black and white? Go get cable, baby. People want now. They want here. They want big movies, big stars, big budgets and big explosions."
And does he really think Pong can provide all this?
"Sure it can!" Foley enthuses. "The beauty of Pong is in its simplicity. It's a battle of wills between the two main leads. Block against block. It's the eternal struggle."
So, who does Foley want to play the lead block, a pivotal role requiring strong yet subtle characterisation?
He looks thoughtful for a moment, then leans forward confidentially and says, "If we can't get Nick Cage, I'm seriously considering that guy who played the neighbour in Married With Children."
"...madcap antics ..."
"It's always best to rest against something solid, such as a small horse..."
"How close a Gentleman should get to a Lady..."
"One of the most controversial musicians of recent years..."more...
What colour should it be?Drivers!
Have you got what is takes?Exploding Trousers
A party political messageMore...
Stuffed with new material and old favourites, Recalled to Life is 280 pages of plumptiousness and very probably exactly what you need to prop up that wonky old table in the kitchen.
Find out more here.
of the Bleeding Obvious
All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2000-2015, and may not be reproduced without the express permission of the author. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.