background
18 July 2019

Because...Kittens

Look at these fluffy kittens...

kittens

Doesn't this make you want to give us some money? These kittens are so cute and fluffy and helpless - could you really be so heartless as to not give us your cash?*

Send your money to:

Fluffy Kitten International Ltd.
Unit 4 Abattoir View
Catford

Remember, we need your money because... kittens.

*Fluffy Kitten International Ltd cannot guarantee that any of your money will be spent on kittens.

◻ Tick here if you do not want your name and contact details to be added to a sucker list and shared online.

 


21 March 2019

Splosh

In response to recent official scaremongering from the Environment Agency regarding dwindling water supplies, concerned member of the proletariat and know-it-all Noah Bubble has started a campaign asking for donations.

"As soon as I heard about the problem I said to myself, 'Well,' I said, 'This is a turnout. Those Environment people are saying they've got no water and where I am it's chucking it down.' So I thought, now then, I can do something about this, so I can. So I fills a couple of buckets and I sends them off. Yes sir, that's what I did."

Mr Bubble has been sending buckets of water to the environment agency for the past five weeks, some times as many as three a day, and now he's asking others to do the same.

"I can't solve the country's water supply problems all on my own, I can't, so that's why I have started the Splosh campaign. I thought up the name myself, I did. Thing is, we're on the verge of an environmental catastrophe, so I'm urging anyone who has access to water to make a donation. If you've got a spare pond, or a bird bath, or even just a puddle, then send it off right away. Some unkind folk might say that it's futile, that it's just spitting in the wind, but even that can make a difference, if we all gob together at the same time. And if you don't have any water, just fill a few bottles from the tap and send them off. It all helps, so it does. If we all pull together we can make the world a damper place."

Mr Bubble's well-intentioned efforts have been met with confusion at the Environment Agency, where staff have been wondering where all these empty buckets wrapped in soggy brown paper have been coming from.

"We appreciate the gesture," said spokeswoman Tracy Sponge. "But really, this is mental. So if you could please tell this gentleman to stop it, we'd be really grateful."

Instead, Miss Sponge has suggested that anyone who genuinely wants to help can do so by limiting the amount of water they use, thus making sure that there are adequate supplies for all whilst at the same time allowing water companies to maximise profits without any additional outlay on maintaining infrastructure. Thanks.

Splosh

 

submit to reddit


19 March 2019

Man Shreds Birth Certificate, Ceases to Exist

Ollie Packer has officially ceased to exist since accidentally shredding his birth certificate.

"I thought it was about time I decluttered," said Packer. "So I got rid of all the junk - old bank statements, expired insurance schedules, wage slips ... and also my birth certificate. I mean, I've already been born - here I am. I'm not planning on getting born again so I figure I don't need it."

Wrong. Packer has pulled off the legal equivalent of disappearing up his own hole, and here's the science: without proof of birth, this brainiac has become a zero-potential metaphysical concept with no real-time existence as an objective spacio-temporal event. Ha, that'll learn him. But you don't need to know that; all you need to know is that he can't get a passport and no one will serve him at the post office.

Blank passport

So far, all of Packer's attempts to establish his credentials as an actual human person have been a fat lot of no good at all. He cannot apply for a replacement certificate because he doesn't exist. He doesn't have a driving licence because he doesn't exist. He doesn't have a passport because... You can see how this 'not existing' lark is something of a pain in the padding. He has even attempted to get a letter of corporeality from his doctor but is unable to get past the dickhead of an automated booking system because it refuses to recognise him as a real entity.

But there is one last hope for Packer - because of some sort of legal doodah he can register himself as a racehorse.

"The British Horseracing Authority has welcomed me with open fetlocks," he told us, assuming we were interested. "Ok, so it means a diet of oats and I've got a visit to the vets tomorrow that I'm really not looking forward to, but none of that will matter when I'm waiting in the starting gate at Kempton Park next Saturday. And we're off!"

Blank licence

 

submit to reddit


18 March 2019

CGI

Thumbnail: Movie Poster

Spies vs Zombies and Space Aliens with Car Chases and Guns and Stuff may at first squint seem like just another mindless and formulaic action flick, but Hollywood might be teetering on the edge of a new age in cinema. I know, I know - every other film that comes out represents a new age in bleeding cinema, but that's just your standard promotional bull-plop. This could be the real deal since it's the first movie to be made with real performers in real locations, but with a completely computer generated crew.

Yep, the camera operators, the sound people, the folio artist, the horse wrangler, the caterers, the key grip and the assistant editor - especially the assistant editor - are all CGI. As you can imagine, this inevitably led to some hilarious misunderstandings. Well, keep imagining that because we couldn't think of any, so this particular paragraph ends on a bit of an anti-climax.

Anyhowever, soldiering on in the hope that we might come up with a punchline, we asked director Mario Pacman for his thoughts. Unfortunately he was unavailable for comment as he had just crashed and had to be rebooted.

Badum tish.

Movie Poster: Spies Vs Zombies

 

submit to reddit


17 March 2019

Brexit Bullshit

The magazine for people who don't give a toss one way or another

Brexit Bullshit

 

submit to reddit


Blog Index

Archive 1

February 2001
- July 2003

Random Kevin

"...abuse and ridicule in the comfort of your own home..."

Jars4u

"We open your Jars for you!"


Gala Theatre

"Please note the following..."

Mr and Mrs Pottle are Lost Again

"Why can't these people just stay at home?"

more...

 

 

Wanted: Chip-Eater

"Wreham seek new chip control warden..."


Fatquake

"The world's fattest man suffered a fatal earthquake in the early hours of the morning..."

The Reluctant Pianist

"One of the most controversial musicians of recent years..."

Caught in the Act

"The police haven't always taken such a proactive approach to enlistment..."

more...

Toaster Suicide

Death by appliance.

Blood Donors

Post your blood to us now.

Nelson's Travel Kettle

Archeologists unearth historic appliance.

*@%£!

Can machines swear?

Marmaduke Irksome

Talking rubbish for Britain.

Piffin: A Mediterrean Paradise

Roly Coconut pays a visit

  What's on in Bumpstead

This month at the community centre

Arse Kicking

Competition bottom booting

Aromatron Pulse

21st century smell tech

Exploding Trousers

Wump!

More...
Professional Scarer
Arty Tomatoes
Jehovahs Cleaners
more
Kicking and Screaming

Prologue: Peanuts

You Don't Have to be Mad to Work Here...

Machiavelli Management Solutions

The Bleeding Obvious

Exploding Dogs

Baby's First Swear

Scrufty's Magic Juju Shop

Pigmongering

Empire of the Flowers

Scumm

Mrs Wilberforce and the River

Epilogue: Persons Unknown

Golfing bird
The Hedgehog King Board Meeting Goldilocks and the Free Bears Death Doom and Disaster Tall Story in a Short Glass Venus by Catapult Barry Buys a Broom
The History of Rock
Teaching Carrots to FlyTeaching Carrots to FlyStandard British NunsExtreme Dinosaurs
Instagram   Facebook   Twitter

Site Map

site map

WWW UBO



The University
of the Bleeding Obvious

All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2000-2019, and may not be reproduced without the express permission of the author. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.


Contact:
.

The Bleeding Obvious Prime Time Gameshow Generator

Books and Free Downloads

The UBO Annual 2018 The UBO Annual 2017 The UBO Annual 2016 The UBO Annual 2015 The History of Rock The Bongo Lectures Kicking and Screaming Dead Peasants Recalled to Life UBO Volume 1 UBO Volume 2 Death Doom and Disaster Goldilocks and the Free Bears Find out more...