Happismiles Emergency Clown Service
For when your regular clown lets you down.
Neighbor Nightmares: The Movie
Two men, one drive, no prisoners.
Man Blames ESA for Domestic Eclipse
Mr Cravat is not happy about where they park their stuff.
Slugbond
Because an inflated slug is a happy slug.
The Wonderful World of Ants
Ants, ants, ants, ants!
Songs of Inspiration
Jesus Wants Me For His Darts Team.
Barry the Road Safety Owl
No nonsense advice from a wise old bird
Puzzle Page!
With the amazing Mr Ooluv.
Ralph Trundle: F1 Driver
We talk to a legend of the circuit
Veg-U-Like
Tomatoes, cauliflower, brussel sprouts and peas - collect the whole set.
Shave the Moon
Our hairy satellite.
Jaggedy
Mrs Lubricant wants a tidiery Britain.
In the market for a used policeman?
How to spot a dodgy copper.
Pretty Pictures
Better management through crayons.
Donald Fact's Fact Blast
It's a Fact, brought to you by Crunchy Flakes.
The Drivelling
Troubled Hammer film gets new release.
Words of wisdom from our resident medic
...Tigers ...Moles ...Farm Machinery ...Hypnotism ...Fruit ...Soap ...Implants ...Pianos ...Happy Clappers ...The Environment
The Long Range Trouser Forecast
Overnight corduroys and occasional dungarees.
Echo...Echo
Mr Clutterbuck has an echo... echo... echo.
Dougal Fridgely
Possible dwarf planet discovered in Tadcaster
It's a Fact
Fun facts from the Fact Master. Fank you.
Skydiving
Skydiving without the unnecessary inconvenience of a parachute.
Why Your Printer Doesn't Work
Most of these devices are allergic to paper.
Space Things
The continuing adventures of Astro Cat.
Arty Tomatoes
Guy Pakker's latest artistic venture.
Quality Service at Pooley's
With our motoring correspondent, Martin Carburetor.
Cold Fusion Sandwiches
A new era in atomic lunches.
So You've Got a New Manager?
How to stop it crapping in your in tray.
Your Staff Feedback, Your Way
Tired of hearing from ungrateful and misguided staff?
Marmaduke Irksome: A Retrospective
Talking crap in the House of Commons.
Have you got what it takes to stay in the country?
Be a great Briton. Or get out.
The Language of Dance
Jazz hands and quickstep.
Old Clothes
Trading Standards warn against dangerously out of date clobber.
What's On in Lower Bumpstead
A packed programme, following that unfortunate incident with the fire eater.
Feathered Friends
Could you befriend a lonely parrot?
Fleegle
New number has consequences for the future of the universe. And bingo.
Mathew Sandblaster-Trogg
A bouncy little freak.
Grampion Strangely's Mountain Rescue
These vulnderable mountains need your help.
Galactic Phrasebook
Learn to speak Venusian!
Mr & Mrs Pottle are Lost Again
Why can't these people just stay at home?
'Ello 'Ello 'Ello, What's All This Then?
Presenting The Metropolitan Police Choir.
Dark Batter
Is the missing mass in the Universe actually pastry?
Centuri Space Supplies
Second hand space travel
Fats Porker - Blues Whinger
In memory of Crappsville's finest son.
Piffin: A Mediterranean Paradise
Boasting Europe's biggest landfill.
Empire of the Flowers
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Operation Growbag.
Announcing the iSpong
Totally changing the way that people spong in the future.
International Arse Kicking
Bottom kicking for fun and profit.
The Montreux Clinic For Aural Readjustment
Get your wonky flappers straightened here
Bad Grandma Grammar
The inappropriate erection of words.
Stuff Your Bleeding Job
How to resign digracefully.
Dream Strides
Emergency trousers delivered direct to your anxiety nightmare.
Knitting in Colour
This day in 1956 saw the introduction of the first regular colour knitting patterns.
No Offence
The Right Honourable David McGog unapologetically apologises.
A Career in Printing
Why not specialise in the colour green?
Topping Talent
Featuring the Marvellous Undersea Kingdom of Colin Chocolate.
The World Bullshit Record
Team bonding, goal setting and table top brainstorming
Cash for Pets
Trade in your unwanted dog.
Metal Detecting
German U-Boat Found on Devon Beach.
We're No Longer Recruiting...
...but here are some of the unlucky applicants
Award for Outstanding Celebrity
New awards for old has-beens
Doing Lengths
Mr Zing is swimming from pole to pole
Buttock Express
Your arse in our hands.
Not Funny
Prof Jez Moonbeam is laughable.
Art
Selwyn Peach paints Elephants
The Wackiest Person in the UK
Alison Perkins is a mad as a fish.
It's All in the Game
Classic board games from the past.
Help a Pirate in Need
These buccaneers desperately need your support.
Emergency Kebabs
When you absolutely positively need a kebab.
Traffic Watch
Heavy vibes are causing delays on the A52.
Local Heroes
Outstanding achievements in the field of vandalism.
Gin!
Gin, gin and more gin!
Debt Matters
Making you aware of your debt.
Bing Crosby Boxing
Punching singers in the mouth.
The Prime Time Gameshow Generator
As used by TV executives worldwide.
The Fish Olympics
Piscine polevaulting and haddock hurdles.
Drive-by Wallpapering
Delinquent decorating.
Thinking of Buying an Octopus?
How to look after your squishy friend.
Lillywhite Lenny
On the importance of staying on the fecking horse.
Exploding Dinners
Put the fun back into dinner time.
Optimum Leaning Angles
How to look cool and interesting at an angle.
Tripping the Dark Fantastic
Hello darkness my old friend
Octo-Fever
Are you allergic to octopuses?
New Rights for Fictional Characters
It's no longer ok to call Oliver Twist a twat.
British Gas
Sending foreign gas back home.
Spread the Good Word!
Your chance to buy shares in the Salvation Army!
Out and About
The International Toast Museum and other attractions.
How Long is a Piece of String?
The hit gameshow for all the family.
Food Banking
MPs praise growing industry.
Evening Courses
Pseudo-academic subjects and frivolous arts and crafts courses.
Operation Mutton
The millitary applications of sheep during WWII.
Jazz Bomb
Raw unadulterated jazz.
Tony Fold's Country Rambles
with guest rambler, Rory Triffic.
The Alternative Olympics
Speed swingball and dodgem rallying.
A Very Local Paper
All the news that's local to Mr Henry Droop, Littlehampton.
Linguini!
Learn to speak fluent pasta.
Things Fall Over All the Time
Arthur's train only has wheels on one side.
Wisbech
Theft of town exposed as hoax.
Dolby Noise Reduction Sausages
Cut out the hiss next breakfast time.
Moroccan Dancing Moles
David Attenburger's Wonderful World of Nature.
Did Man Really Go To Belgium?
The dark truth behind the Belgian conspiracy
Punctuation Crisis
We're running out of apostrophes.
The Trivial Accident Group
Have you been slightly inconvenienced at work?
Bristletech Industries
Do you need to grow a beard? Fast?
Is Your Tortoise Roadworthy?
Important news from the Ministry of Tortoises.
Hear and Now
For collectors of rare and unusual sounds.
Extreme Dinosaurs
Skateboarding plesiosaurs, rollerblading raptors and a brontosaurus with a space hopper.
Glen Twerk is not at Work
Caveat emptor, quo vadis.
Brixham Trouser Museum
The UK 's premier trouser experience.
Auras by Post?
Spruce up your chakras
The Unusual Suspects
A message from Det. Insp. Barker Harris.
So Special
Special beauty therapies for very special people.
Product Recall
Some of our biscuits may contain canoes.
Pigchums
Meet likeminded pigs in your area!
Greygolds Residential Care Home
Where quality care costs extra.
The Delusion of J Henry Proudfoot
We meet an alien archaeologist.
Donald Fact's Fact Breakers
Remembering the classic '70s kids' show.
Oven Chimps
With none of the greasy aftertaste of regular monkeys.
The Battersea Wigs Home
We never put a healthy wig down.
Whose Legs Are These?
The gameshow for all the family
Scoop!
Local frog trapped in drain.
Petty Complaints Ombudsman
Giving your batshit insade complaints the respect they deserve.
The Aromatron
A whole new world of smells awaits you.
Mind Your Wind
Issued by the Ministry of Gas, 1942.
10 Things You Never Knew About Frogs
Frogtastic Facts
Tax, What Tax?
Sir John Wyndrell has never heard of his own company.
Rob Hammond's Essential Guide to Buddhism
Rob Hammond will give you a spiritual kicking,
Introducing Flying Squirrels
Flying into the side of a house at forty knots...
Fraudulent Bananas
Phony fruit.
Ricky Stratocaster's History of Rock
Sofas are From Mars...
The race to put the first sofa on Mars.
Jehovah's Cleaners
Because cleanliness is nexr to godliness.
Criminal Offence Self-Assessment Form
Tick the box if you're a wrong 'un.
An Open Letter to Shepton Bassett Park & Zoo
Sorry about your monkeys.
Twenty-First Century Scouting
A woggle for the new miilenium.
Maisy Donnington's Guide to Perking Yourself Up
Turn that frown upside down.
The Shepton Bassett Village Fete
In aid of the St Tiddles in the Font Restoration Fund.
Doing the Lord's Work
Vicars on the job.
Professional Scarer
GRRRRRR! AAAAARRRRGH! GRRRR!
World of the Wacky
With the Amazing Mr Ooluv
Nobby Wentworth's Pet Surgery
Save cash - fix your own pets in the comfort of your own home.
The Horse-Drawn Record Player
Equestrian technology.
Mrs Womble writes...
Inside the Nun Factory
Where do nuns come from?
The Beaufort Scale
Slight wafts and uninvited pumps.
Selling Crap for Fun and Profit
The very best in useless tat.
Ant Facts
with Donald Fact.
Harry Carson is Watching You
It's a man's life as a modern store detective.
Persons Unknown
Mr Frampton is looking for somoeone to blame.
Scrufty's Magic Juju Shoppe
A tale of oconker mismanagement.
Jars-4-u
Get your jars opened by a professional jar opener!
No More Glasses!
Fry sausages with just a wink of the eye.
Cosmic Background Apathy
Will the universe keep expanding until it can't be bothered anymore?
Gerald de Scooter's Restaurant Guide
Top notch swanky grub,
Pooley's Fire Distinguisher
Put paid to that firey bullshit.
The Thoroughfare of Success
Dick Smidgen teaches you how to live your life but better.
Comfy Dinners
A meal fit for a bed.
A Ding-Dong Duvets
Prof Reynaud pulls a fast one.
Dilbert's Donkey Solutions
Professional donkey storage.
Carter-Pierrepoint
Particulate mapping of key delivery nodes.
Diagnosis
Professor Wimple has a dirty mouth.
Welcome to Stick World
If you like sticks, well, we've got sticks.
The Sandwich Advisor
Buying a sandwich is the third most stressful thing you can do.
Some more stupid than others.
Barry Buys a Broom
Dirty Doings at Featherstone Manor
Board Meeting
The Day Before Tomnorrow
Tall Story in a Short Glass
The Hedgehog King
The Mystery of the Shitfaced Man
Venus by Catapult
You Again
Death, Doom and Disaster
Goldilocks and the Free Bears
National Consumer Instructions Awards
Confusing, badly translated or just plain weird.
Gentlemen's Etiquette
How to behave right proper and all that.
Blood Donors Needed
Please bleed into the envelope provided.
Shepton Bassett - A Vision for the Future
Better late than never, our town plan.
Crystal N.R.G.
Harnessing the mystical bollocks of the universe.
Are you ready for Digital Ornithology?
Analogue birds are about to be switched off.
Global Moistening
Fear of a wet planet.
Cut Price Chips
You like chips? You like lots of chips?
SciFi Fan Draws a Blank
Publisher leaves pages blank to cut costs.
Staff Handbook
A handy guide to your new workplace.
Cosmos Rocks
In an infinite universe, there is no limit to human gullibility.
Historic Knees
Knees of outstanding natural beauty.
The Kidderminster Lemon Exchange
Open now for faster, more reliable lemon exchange.
The Great Space Exhibition
Glorious innovations and technical marvels!
Cake Rage
Pastry related assaults.
Mr Bannerman's Evidence
Courtroom confusion.
Rod Stewart and Enya's Rock 'n' Roll Mysteries
Solving crimes and fighting bad guys.
Maxi-Lingual for Motorists
Curse fluently in over six languages.
Bare-knuckle Snooker
The biggest threat to law and order since badminton
Fatquake
A sad farewell to the world's fatest man.
Know Your Birds
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Modern Day Bird Warfare
Pigmongering
Fergus Pong introduces us to this dying art.
The Ultimate Procrastination Suite
Just been handed a project but can't be bothered to get started?
Baby's First Swear
Teach your little angel to swear like a trooper.
Christopher Columbus Discoveries Inc
If you've lost it, Chris will find it.
A Fistful of Sausages
Brought to you by the meat marketing board.
Eazee-post
Taking the pain out of internet forums.
Machiavelli Management Solutions
Discipline over distance.
Brick II
Recycling the rubble.
Teaching Carrots to Fly
The cutting edge of vegetable warfare.
Cheese Genome Finally Cracked!
Scientific proof of the existence of cheese.
Caught by the Fuzz
New Recruitment Initiatives within the UK Police Force.
Core Competencies in Office Furniture
Sign up for a certificate in filing cabinets.
World of Holes
Europe's leading stockist of quality holes.
Here Comes Barry Smith
Wise words from Shepton Bassett's number one coach driver.
Typists of the Kalahari
Shorthand tigers and double entry hippos.
Sugar Free Vegan Diesel
There's no butter in it either.
The Discovery of Vitamin G
Great moments in science.
Bean Legacy
This summer, Christian Bale is Mr Bean.
Forward to the '80s
How we'll all be travelling in the '80s.
Yeti Makeover
Mrs Stenchtrouser is planning an expedition.
The Embarrasment of Nasal Hair Loss
Nostril wigs for all occasions
Spooky Doings
The magazine of weird and improbable stuff.
Shark Fishing
Fergus Pong has a shark problem.
Dobbins of Doncaster
Get yourself a quality ass.
How To Be Sweary
with Professor Timothy Bottom.
Travel News
Cowboys on the line and bricked up tunnels,
Mr Gammon's Objections
Shepton Bassett Council Responds
Anti-Assertiveness Classes
Tone it down a bit.
Motorcycle Display Teams
A bunch of blokes twatting about on bikes.
Well Stuffed
Rogue taxidermist terrorises family pets.
A Sustained Corporate Battering
We're concerned about Mr Pyle
An Old Fart Remembers
Do you remember Puthering Day?
Buy Our Shampoo
Just buy it, ok.
The Devil's Arse On Tour
Famous cavern to tour country
The Square Root of Green
Fresh breakthrough in the science of colourology.
Noblock and Kerfanderbuck
All smileytangled cockrock strop.
Death By Pastry
A huge pie just hanging in space.
Astralguard
Insurance for Astral Travellers.
Barney's Magic Wonder Show
Belinda Sommers reviews the latest production.
One-Sided Dice
One-Sided Dice for Fatalists.
Top Twenty Albums of the '70s
With Ricky Stratocaster, professor of twangology.
The Bleeding Obvious
You pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
St Tiddles in the Font
Parish newsletter.
Cock
The magazine for young gentlemen.
It's a Fact!
More facts from the Funky Fact Feller.
Cooker Island
Where the toasters roam free.
Poot
Bigger, Better, Faster, Now!
Maisy Donnington's Office Safety
How to avoid the business end of a stapler.
Wind Tunnel Technician
Pardon?
History in Focus
An elbow shaker and a lickspittling mumblecrust
For Kids of All Ages...
Introducing our new range of children's books.
New Deposits of Earwax Discovered
Significant quantities discovered in Mr Harry Frome
Short and Curly
Unlocking the power of curly hair.
Some People You've Never Heard Of
Rancid Alan Grease and others.
Something Happened on Tuesday
Probably, but we're not sure what.
Sounds of Nature
Relax with chickens.
Squeak Off
The big noise in footwear technology.
What Is It?
How what why when who where and when? Hello?
Munchy Burger
Can you cut the mustard as a top burger executive?
Maisy Donnington's Cheese Etiquette Page
Your guide to the wonderful world of cheese.
Nuclear Garden
Mr Sideboard is not happy about his exploding shed.
Kicking Up a New Stink
Breakthrough leads to discovery of new smell.
Butterfly
Prof Jim Spanners explains chaos theory
Flexi Mortem
The only credit card you can use after death.
Amateur Stamp Collector Collector
Want to know how much to pay for a Nigel Tomlinson?
Digital Vicars
The secret ways that vicars communicate?
The National Key Museum!
We've got keys!
Night of the Womble
Unpublished Womble book is dystopian nightmare.
Rationalising Britain's River Network
Britain's waterways need straightening,
Fine Dining
with Woodroffe Spanker
How to Look After Your Cement Mixer
A great addition to any home.
Petunia Mulch
Plant psychologist.
An Important Announcement about Fish
Clever trout and erudite pilcards.
All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2000-2026, and may not be reproduced without the express permission of the author. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. || Picture Credits: P.Farnsworth/morguefile.com/craiyon.com. || Privacy Notice: this site does not collect, store or otherwise process your personal data. Sorry, but I'm not the slightest bit interested in you.
