SciFi Fan Draws a Blank
Publisher leaves pages blank to cut costs.
Greygolds Residential Care Home
Where quality care costs extra.
Butterfly
Prof Jim Spanners explains chaos theory
An Important Announcement about Fish
Clever trout and erudite pilcards.
Space Things
The continuing adventures of Astro Cat.
No More Glasses!
Fry sausages with just a wink of the eye.
Poot
Bigger, Better, Faster, Now!
Sounds of Nature
Relax with chickens.
Gin!
Gin, gin and more gin!
Petunia Mulch
Plant psychologist.
Whose Legs Are These?
The gameshow for all the family
Cooker Island
Where the toasters roam free.
Evening Courses
Pseudo-academic subjects and frivolous arts and crafts courses.
Shave the Moon
Our hairy satellite.
What's On in Lower Bumpstead
A packed programme, following that unfortunate incident with the fire eater.
Are you ready for Digital Ornithology?
Analogue birds are about to be switched off.
Words of wisdom from our resident medic
...Tigers ...Moles ...Farm Machinery ...Hypnotism ...Fruit ...Soap ...Implants ...Pianos ...Happy Clappers ...The Environment
Something Happened on Tuesday
Probably, but we're not sure what.
Debt Matters
Making you aware of your debt.
Things Fall Over All the Time
Arthur's train only has wheels on one side.
No Offence
The Right Honourable David McGog unapologetically apologises.
Wind Tunnel Technician
Pardon?
Munchy Burger
Can you cut the mustard as a top burger executive?
Product Recall
Some of our biscuits may contain canoes.
A Sustained Corporate Battering
We're concerned about Mr Pyle
Sofas are From Mars...
The race to put the first sofa on Mars.
Motorcycle Display Teams
A bunch of blokes twatting about on bikes.
The Kidderminster Lemon Exchange
Open now for faster, more reliable lemon exchange.
Cold Fusion Sandwiches
A new era in atomic lunches.
Cut Price Chips
You like chips? You like lots of chips?
History in Focus
An elbow shaker and a lickspittling mumblecrust
Top Twenty Albums of the '70s
With Ricky Stratocaster, professor of twangology.
Why Your Printer Doesn't Work
Most of these devices are allergic to paper.
Exploding Dinners
Put the fun back into dinner time.
Professional Scarer
GRRRRRR! AAAAARRRRGH! GRRRR!
Dilbert's Donkey Solutions
Professional donkey storage.
One-Sided Dice
One-Sided Dice for Fatalists.
Cash for Pets
Trade in your unwanted dog.
It's a Fact
Fun facts from the Fact Master. Fank you.
Barry the Road Safety Owl
No nonsense advice from a wise old bird
Nobby Wentworth's Pet Surgery
Save cash - fix your own pets in the comfort of your own home.
Comfy Dinners
A meal fit for a bed.
Jehovah's Cleaners
Because cleanliness is nexr to godliness.
The Montreux Clinic For Aural Readjustment
Get your wonky flappers straightened here
Gerald de Scooter's Restaurant Guide
Top notch swanky grub,
Hear and Now
For collectors of rare and unusual sounds.
Dream Strides
Emergency trousers delivered direct to your anxiety nightmare.
Help a Pirate in Need
These buccaneers desperately need your support.
The Language of Dance
Jazz hands and quickstep.
So You've Got a New Manager?
How to stop it crapping in your in tray.
Bare-knuckle Snooker
The biggest threat to law and order since badminton
Rationalising Britain's River Network
Britain's waterways need straightening,
Drive-by Wallpapering
Delinquent decorating.
Harry Carson is Watching You
It's a man's life as a modern store detective.
Donald Fact's Fact Breakers
Remembering the classic '70s kids' show.
Squeak Off
The big noise in footwear technology.
Pigchums
Meet likeminded pigs in your area!
Award for Outstanding Celebrity
New awards for old has-beens
Octo-Fever
Are you allergic to octopuses?
Typists of the Kalahari
Shorthand tigers and double entry hippos.
Extreme Dinosaurs
Skateboarding plesiosaurs, rollerblading raptors and a brontosaurus with a space hopper.
Not Funny
Prof Jez Moonbeam is laughable.
Cosmos Rocks
In an infinite universe, there is no limit to human gullibility.
Cheese Genome Finally Cracked!
Scientific proof of the existence of cheese.
Galactic Phrasebook
Learn to speak Venusian!
Brick II
Recycling the rubble.
The Discovery of Vitamin G
Great moments in science.
The Great Space Exhibition
Glorious innovations and technical marvels!
The Aromatron
A whole new world of smells awaits you.
Travel News
Cowboys on the line and bricked up tunnels,
Ralph Trundle: F1 Driver
We talk to a legend of the circuit
We're No Longer Recruiting...
...but here are some of the unlucky applicants
Bristletech Industries
Do you need to grow a beard? Fast?
The Embarrasment of Nasal Hair Loss
Nostril wigs for all occasions
In the market for a used policeman?
How to spot a dodgy copper.
Scrufty's Magic Juju Shoppe
A tale of oconker mismanagement.
Feathered Friends
Could you befriend a lonely parrot?
New Deposits of Earwax Discovered
Significant quantities discovered in Mr Harry Frome
A Fistful of Sausages
Brought to you by the meat marketing board.
Digital Vicars
The secret ways that vicars communicate?
Anti-Assertiveness Classes
Tone it down a bit.
The National Key Museum!
We've got keys!
Doing the Lord's Work
Vicars on the job.
Introducing Flying Squirrels
Flying into the side of a house at forty knots...
Dolby Noise Reduction Sausages
Cut out the hiss next breakfast time.
Emergency Kebabs
When you absolutely positively need a kebab.
A Ding-Dong Duvets
Prof Reynaud pulls a fast one.
Fats Porker - Blues Whinger
In memory of Crappsville's finest son.
Did Man Really Go To Belgium?
The dark truth behind the Belgian conspiracy
Yeti Makeover
Mrs Stenchtrouser is planning an expedition.
World of the Wacky
With the Amazing Mr Ooluv
Baby's First Swear
Teach your little angel to swear like a trooper.
The Wonderful World of Ants
Ants, ants, ants, ants!
For Kids of All Ages...
Introducing our new range of children's books.
Maxi-Lingual for Motorists
Curse fluently in over six languages.
Operation Mutton
The millitary applications of sheep during WWII.
A Very Local Paper
All the news that's local to Mr Henry Droop, Littlehampton.
Machiavelli Management Solutions
Discipline over distance.
Wisbech
Theft of town exposed as hoax.
The Devil's Arse On Tour
Famous cavern to tour country
Historic Knees
Knees of outstanding natural beauty.
The Trivial Accident Group
Have you been slightly inconvenienced at work?
Pigmongering
Fergus Pong introduces us to this dying art.
Cock
The magazine for young gentlemen.
Carter-Pierrepoint
Particulate mapping of key delivery nodes.
Traffic Watch
Heavy vibes are causing delays on the A52.
The Long Range Trouser Forecast
Overnight corduroys and occasional dungarees.
Fraudulent Bananas
Phony fruit.
British Gas
Sending foreign gas back home.
The Ultimate Procrastination Suite
Just been handed a project but can't be bothered to get started?
Inside the Nun Factory
Where do nuns come from?
Happismiles Emergency Clown Service
For when your regular clown lets you down.
The Unusual Suspects
A message from Det. Insp. Barker Harris.
Flexi Mortem
The only credit card you can use after death.
Astralguard
Insurance for Astral Travellers.
The Battersea Wigs Home
We never put a healthy wig down.
Moroccan Dancing Moles
David Attenburger's Wonderful World of Nature.
Shark Fishing
Fergus Pong has a shark problem.
Mathew Sandblaster-Trogg
A bouncy little freak.
Here Comes Barry Smith
Wise words from Shepton Bassett's number one coach driver.
Thinking of Buying an Octopus?
How to look after your squishy friend.
Veg-U-Like
Tomatoes, cauliflower, brussel sprouts and peas - collect the whole set.
How To Be Sweary
with Professor Timothy Bottom.
Mr & Mrs Pottle are Lost Again
Why can't these people just stay at home?
Fatquake
A sad farewell to the world's fatest man.
Jazz Bomb
Raw unadulterated jazz.
Short and Curly
Unlocking the power of curly hair.
The Horse-Drawn Record Player
Equestrian technology.
Optimum Leaning Angles
How to look cool and interesting at an angle.
Ricky Stratocaster's History of Rock
Know Your Birds
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Modern Day Bird Warfare
Criminal Offence Self-Assessment Form
Tick the box if you're a wrong 'un.
10 Things You Never Knew About Frogs
Frogtastic Facts
Announcing the iSpong
Totally changing the way that people spong in the future.
Tripping the Dark Fantastic
Hello darkness my old friend
Metal Detecting
German U-Boat Found on Devon Beach.
Local Heroes
Outstanding achievements in the field of vandalism.
Empire of the Flowers
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Operation Growbag.
An Old Fart Remembers
Do you remember Puthering Day?
Teaching Carrots to Fly
The cutting edge of vegetable warfare.
Christopher Columbus Discoveries Inc
If you've lost it, Chris will find it.
Amateur Stamp Collector Collector
Want to know how much to pay for a Nigel Tomlinson?
Mrs Womble writes...
Shepton Bassett - A Vision for the Future
Better late than never, our town plan.
Rob Hammond's Essential Guide to Buddhism
Rob Hammond will give you a spiritual kicking,
What Is It?
How what why when who where and when? Hello?
Bad Grandma Grammar
The inappropriate erection of words.
'Ello 'Ello 'Ello, What's All This Then?
Presenting The Metropolitan Police Choir.
Maisy Donnington's Cheese Etiquette Page
Your guide to the wonderful world of cheese.
Centuri Space Supplies
Second hand space travel
Bing Crosby Boxing
Punching singers in the mouth.
Neighbor Nightmares: The Movie
Two men, one drive, no prisoners.
Auras by Post?
Spruce up your chakras
A Career in Printing
Why not specialise in the colour green?
The Alternative Olympics
Speed swingball and dodgem rallying.
Lillywhite Lenny
On the importance of staying on the fecking horse.
Gentlemen's Etiquette
How to behave right proper and all that.
The World Bullshit Record
Team bonding, goal setting and table top brainstorming
The Thoroughfare of Success
Dick Smidgen teaches you how to live your life but better.
Mr Bannerman's Evidence
Courtroom confusion.
Some People You've Never Heard Of
Rancid Alan Grease and others.
Puzzle Page!
With the amazing Mr Ooluv.
Piffin: A Mediterranean Paradise
Boasting Europe's biggest landfill.
Some more stupid than others.
Barry Buys a Broom
Dirty Doings at Featherstone Manor
Board Meeting
The Day Before Tomnorrow
Tall Story in a Short Glass
The Hedgehog King
The Mystery of the Shitfaced Man
Venus by Catapult
You Again
Death, Doom and Disaster
Goldilocks and the Free Bears
Skydiving
Skydiving without the unnecessary inconvenience of a parachute.
Night of the Womble
Unpublished Womble book is dystopian nightmare.
Forward to the '80s
How we'll all be travelling in the '80s.
Out and About
The International Toast Museum and other attractions.
Selling Crap for Fun and Profit
The very best in useless tat.
Jaggedy
Mrs Lubricant wants a tidiery Britain.
Linguini!
Learn to speak fluent pasta.
Well Stuffed
Rogue taxidermist terrorises family pets.
Punctuation Crisis
We're running out of apostrophes.
So Special
Special beauty therapies for very special people.
World of Holes
Europe's leading stockist of quality holes.
Mr Gammon's Objections
Shepton Bassett Council Responds
Donald Fact's Fact Blast
It's a Fact, brought to you by Crunchy Flakes.
The Wackiest Person in the UK
Alison Perkins is a mad as a fish.
An Open Letter to Shepton Bassett Park & Zoo
Sorry about your monkeys.
Noblock and Kerfanderbuck
All smileytangled cockrock strop.
Spread the Good Word!
Your chance to buy shares in the Salvation Army!
Marmaduke Irksome: A Retrospective
Talking crap in the House of Commons.
It's All in the Game
Classic board games from the past.
Sugar Free Vegan Diesel
There's no butter in it either.
St Tiddles in the Font
Parish newsletter.
Dark Batter
Is the missing mass in the Universe actually pastry?
Persons Unknown
Mr Frampton is looking for somoeone to blame.
Scoop!
Local frog trapped in drain.
Kicking Up a New Stink
Breakthrough leads to discovery of new smell.
Nuclear Garden
Mr Sideboard is not happy about his exploding shed.
Ant Facts
with Donald Fact.
Dougal Fridgely
Possible dwarf planet discovered in Tadcaster
Bean Legacy
This summer, Christian Bale is Mr Bean.
Caught by the Fuzz
New Recruitment Initiatives within the UK Police Force.
Eazee-post
Taking the pain out of internet forums.
Core Competencies in Office Furniture
Sign up for a certificate in filing cabinets.
Have you got what it takes to stay in the country?
Be a great Briton. Or get out.
Dobbins of Doncaster
Get yourself a quality ass.
Doing Lengths
Mr Zing is swimming from pole to pole
The Bleeding Obvious
You pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
The Beaufort Scale
Slight wafts and uninvited pumps.
The Square Root of Green
Fresh breakthrough in the science of colourology.
Is Your Tortoise Roadworthy?
Important news from the Ministry of Tortoises.
Arty Tomatoes
Guy Pakker's latest artistic venture.
Food Banking
MPs praise growing industry.
Death By Pastry
A huge pie just hanging in space.
The Fish Olympics
Piscine polevaulting and haddock hurdles.
Fleegle
New number has consequences for the future of the universe. And bingo.
Cake Rage
Pastry related assaults.
Knitting in Colour
This day in 1956 saw the introduction of the first regular colour knitting patterns.
Topping Talent
Featuring the Marvellous Undersea Kingdom of Colin Chocolate.
Oven Chimps
With none of the greasy aftertaste of regular monkeys.
Welcome to Stick World
If you like sticks, well, we've got sticks.
Quality Service at Pooley's
With our motoring correspondent, Martin Carburetor.
Blood Donors Needed
Please bleed into the envelope provided.
The Delusion of J Henry Proudfoot
We meet an alien archaeologist.
Slugbond
Because an inflated slug is a happy slug.
Art
Selwyn Peach paints Elephants
Rod Stewart and Enya's Rock 'n' Roll Mysteries
Solving crimes and fighting bad guys.
The Drivelling
Troubled Hammer film gets new release.
Songs of Inspiration
Jesus Wants Me For His Darts Team.
Diagnosis
Professor Wimple has a dirty mouth.
Tony Fold's Country Rambles
with guest rambler, Rory Triffic.
Stuff Your Bleeding Job
How to resign digracefully.
Twenty-First Century Scouting
A woggle for the new miilenium.
Petty Complaints Ombudsman
Giving your batshit insade complaints the respect they deserve.
How to Look After Your Cement Mixer
A great addition to any home.
Jars-4-u
Get your jars opened by a professional jar opener!
How Long is a Piece of String?
The hit gameshow for all the family.
Man Blames ESA for Domestic Eclipse
Mr Cravat is not happy about where they park their stuff.
National Consumer Instructions Awards
Confusing, badly translated or just plain weird.
Grampion Strangely's Mountain Rescue
These vulnderable mountains need your help.
The Shepton Bassett Village Fete
In aid of the St Tiddles in the Font Restoration Fund.
Maisy Donnington's Guide to Perking Yourself Up
Turn that frown upside down.
Fine Dining
with Woodroffe Spanker
Staff Handbook
A handy guide to your new workplace.
Spooky Doings
The magazine of weird and improbable stuff.
The Sandwich Advisor
Buying a sandwich is the third most stressful thing you can do.
Pooley's Fire Distinguisher
Put paid to that firey bullshit.
It's a Fact!
More facts from the Funky Fact Feller.
Tax, What Tax?
Sir John Wyndrell has never heard of his own company.
Brixham Trouser Museum
The UK 's premier trouser experience.
Pretty Pictures
Better management through crayons.
Crystal N.R.G.
Harnessing the mystical bollocks of the universe.
Barney's Magic Wonder Show
Belinda Sommers reviews the latest production.
Global Moistening
Fear of a wet planet.
New Rights for Fictional Characters
It's no longer ok to call Oliver Twist a twat.
Cosmic Background Apathy
Will the universe keep expanding until it can't be bothered anymore?
International Arse Kicking
Bottom kicking for fun and profit.
Maisy Donnington's Office Safety
How to avoid the business end of a stapler.
Mind Your Wind
Issued by the Ministry of Gas, 1942.
The Prime Time Gameshow Generator
As used by TV executives worldwide.
Buttock Express
Your arse in our hands.
Old Clothes
Trading Standards warn against dangerously out of date clobber.
Buy Our Shampoo
Just buy it, ok.
Glen Twerk is not at Work
Caveat emptor, quo vadis.
Echo...Echo
Mr Clutterbuck has an echo... echo... echo.
Your Staff Feedback, Your Way
Tired of hearing from ungrateful and misguided staff?
All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2000-2025, and may not be reproduced without the express permission of the author. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. || Picture Credits: P.Farnsworth/morguefile.com/craiyon.com. || Privacy Notice: this site does not collect, store or otherwise process your personal data. Sorry, but I'm not the slightest bit interested in you.
