Things Fall Over All the Time
Arthur's train only has wheels on one side.
Core Competencies in Office Furniture
Sign up for a certificate in filing cabinets.
Art
Selwyn Peach paints Elephants
Jars-4-u
Get your jars opened by a professional jar opener!
Punctuation Crisis
We're running out of apostrophes.
Machiavelli Management Solutions
Discipline over distance.
Lillywhite Lenny
On the importance of staying on the fecking horse.
Oven Chimps
With none of the greasy aftertaste of regular monkeys.
British Gas
Sending foreign gas back home.
Donald Fact's Fact Blast
It's a Fact, brought to you by Crunchy Flakes.
Is Your Tortoise Roadworthy?
Important news from the Ministry of Tortoises.
Cooker Island
Where the toasters roam free.
Knitting in Colour
This day in 1956 saw the introduction of the first regular colour knitting patterns.
Bing Crosby Boxing
Punching singers in the mouth.
How To Be Sweary
with Professor Timothy Bottom.
Cash for Pets
Trade in your unwanted dog.
Words of wisdom from our resident medic
...Tigers ...Moles ...Farm Machinery ...Hypnotism ...Fruit ...Soap ...Implants ...Pianos ...Happy Clappers ...The Environment
Are you ready for Digital Ornithology?
Analogue birds are about to be switched off.
The Devil's Arse On Tour
Famous cavern to tour country
The National Key Museum!
We've got keys!
Did Man Really Go To Belgium?
The dark truth behind the Belgian conspiracy
Welcome to Stick World
If you like sticks, well, we've got sticks.
Here Comes Barry Smith
Wise words from Shepton Bassett's number one coach driver.
Baby's First Swear
Teach your little angel to swear like a trooper.
Teaching Carrots to Fly
The cutting edge of vegetable warfare.
Bean Legacy
This summer, Christian Bale is Mr Bean.
Wind Tunnel Technician
Pardon?
Typists of the Kalahari
Shorthand tigers and double entry hippos.
Cheese Genome Finally Cracked!
Scientific proof of the existence of cheese.
Poot
Bigger, Better, Faster, Now!
The Prime Time Gameshow Generator
As used by TV executives worldwide.
The Kidderminster Lemon Exchange
Open now for faster, more reliable lemon exchange.
Yeti Makeover
Mrs Stenchtrouser is planning an expedition.
It's a Fact
Fun facts from the Fact Master. Fank you.
Fine Dining
with Woodroffe Spanker
Mr Bannerman's Evidence
Courtroom confusion.
Stuff Your Bleeding Job
How to resign digracefully.
Barney's Magic Wonder Show
Belinda Sommers reviews the latest production.
Traffic Watch
Heavy vibes are causing delays on the A52.
Marmaduke Irksome: A Retrospective
Talking crap in the House of Commons.
St Tiddles in the Font
Parish newsletter.
Debt Matters
Making you aware of your debt.
It's a Fact!
More facts from the Funky Fact Feller.
Mr & Mrs Pottle are Lost Again
Why can't these people just stay at home?
The Wackiest Person in the UK
Alison Perkins is a mad as a fish.
Pigmongering
Fergus Pong introduces us to this dying art.
The Great Space Exhibition
Glorious innovations and technical marvels!
Man Blames ESA for Domestic Eclipse
Mr Cravat is not happy about where they park their stuff.
Auras by Post?
Spruce up your chakras
Extreme Dinosaurs
Skateboarding plesiosaurs, rollerblading raptors and a brontosaurus with a space hopper.
Maisy Donnington's Office Safety
How to avoid the business end of a stapler.
Astralguard
Insurance for Astral Travellers.
The Wonderful World of Ants
Ants, ants, ants, ants!
The World Bullshit Record
Team bonding, goal setting and table top brainstorming
How to Look After Your Cement Mixer
A great addition to any home.
Bare-knuckle Snooker
The biggest threat to law and order since badminton
Doing the Lord's Work
Vicars on the job.
Not Funny
Prof Jez Moonbeam is laughable.
Brixham Trouser Museum
The UK 's premier trouser experience.
Nuclear Garden
Mr Sideboard is not happy about his exploding shed.
The Bleeding Obvious
You pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
Dobbins of Doncaster
Get yourself a quality ass.
So You've Got a New Manager?
How to stop it crapping in your in tray.
Emergency Kebabs
When you absolutely positively need a kebab.
The Long Range Trouser Forecast
Overnight corduroys and occasional dungarees.
Shave the Moon
Our hairy satellite.
Carter-Pierrepoint
Particulate mapping of key delivery nodes.
International Arse Kicking
Bottom kicking for fun and profit.
Historic Knees
Knees of outstanding natural beauty.
Tony Fold's Country Rambles
with guest rambler, Rory Triffic.
The Sandwich Advisor
Buying a sandwich is the third most stressful thing you can do.
Staff Handbook
A handy guide to your new workplace.
Night of the Womble
Unpublished Womble book is dystopian nightmare.
Mr Gammon's Objections
Shepton Bassett Council Responds
In the market for a used policeman?
How to spot a dodgy copper.
Have you got what it takes to stay in the country?
Be a great Briton. Or get out.
World of Holes
Europe's leading stockist of quality holes.
It's All in the Game
Classic board games from the past.
Anti-Assertiveness Classes
Tone it down a bit.
A Ding-Dong Duvets
Prof Reynaud pulls a fast one.
Doing Lengths
Mr Zing is swimming from pole to pole
Pretty Pictures
Better management through crayons.
Comfy Dinners
A meal fit for a bed.
Amateur Stamp Collector Collector
Want to know how much to pay for a Nigel Tomlinson?
Piffin: A Mediterranean Paradise
Boasting Europe's biggest landfill.
New Deposits of Earwax Discovered
Significant quantities discovered in Mr Harry Frome
Award for Outstanding Celebrity
New awards for old has-beens
Ant Facts
with Donald Fact.
The Square Root of Green
Fresh breakthrough in the science of colourology.
Mind Your Wind
Issued by the Ministry of Gas, 1942.
Death By Pastry
A huge pie just hanging in space.
Maxi-Lingual for Motorists
Curse fluently in over six languages.
Evening Courses
Pseudo-academic subjects and frivolous arts and crafts courses.
Puzzle Page!
With the amazing Mr Ooluv.
Your Staff Feedback, Your Way
Tired of hearing from ungrateful and misguided staff?
Rod Stewart and Enya's Rock 'n' Roll Mysteries
Solving crimes and fighting bad guys.
Echo...Echo
Mr Clutterbuck has an echo... echo... echo.
For Kids of All Ages...
Introducing our new range of children's books.
Fleegle
New number has consequences for the future of the universe. And bingo.
Jazz Bomb
Raw unadulterated jazz.
Caught by the Fuzz
New Recruitment Initiatives within the UK Police Force.
The Embarrasment of Nasal Hair Loss
Nostril wigs for all occasions
Digital Vicars
The secret ways that vicars communicate?
The Shepton Bassett Village Fete
In aid of the St Tiddles in the Font Restoration Fund.
The Thoroughfare of Success
Dick Smidgen teaches you how to live your life but better.
Criminal Offence Self-Assessment Form
Tick the box if you're a wrong 'un.
Munchy Burger
Can you cut the mustard as a top burger executive?
Neighbor Nightmares: The Movie
Two men, one drive, no prisoners.
Cock
The magazine for young gentlemen.
Out and About
The International Toast Museum and other attractions.
Jehovah's Cleaners
Because cleanliness is nexr to godliness.
Selling Crap for Fun and Profit
The very best in useless tat.
Feathered Friends
Could you befriend a lonely parrot?
What's On in Lower Bumpstead
A packed programme, following that unfortunate incident with the fire eater.
Skydiving
Skydiving without the unnecessary inconvenience of a parachute.
Cake Rage
Pastry related assaults.
Cosmos Rocks
In an infinite universe, there is no limit to human gullibility.
Inside the Nun Factory
Where do nuns come from?
Global Moistening
Fear of a wet planet.
The Trivial Accident Group
Have you been slightly inconvenienced at work?
Dream Strides
Emergency trousers delivered direct to your anxiety nightmare.
Empire of the Flowers
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Operation Growbag.
Twenty-First Century Scouting
A woggle for the new miilenium.
An Open Letter to Shepton Bassett Park & Zoo
Sorry about your monkeys.
Veg-U-Like
Tomatoes, cauliflower, brussel sprouts and peas - collect the whole set.
10 Things You Never Knew About Frogs
Frogtastic Facts
Shepton Bassett - A Vision for the Future
Better late than never, our town plan.
Cosmic Background Apathy
Will the universe keep expanding until it can't be bothered anymore?
Space Things
The continuing adventures of Astro Cat.
Ricky Stratocaster's History of Rock
Tax, What Tax?
Sir John Wyndrell has never heard of his own company.
Food Banking
MPs praise growing industry.
Rationalising Britain's River Network
Britain's waterways need straightening,
Squeak Off
The big noise in footwear technology.
Sugar Free Vegan Diesel
There's no butter in it either.
Well Stuffed
Rogue taxidermist terrorises family pets.
Shark Fishing
Fergus Pong has a shark problem.
Topping Talent
Featuring the Marvellous Undersea Kingdom of Colin Chocolate.
Sounds of Nature
Relax with chickens.
Maisy Donnington's Cheese Etiquette Page
Your guide to the wonderful world of cheese.
Dark Batter
Is the missing mass in the Universe actually pastry?
Product Recall
Some of our biscuits may contain canoes.
Mrs Womble writes...
National Consumer Instructions Awards
Confusing, badly translated or just plain weird.
Fats Porker - Blues Whinger
In memory of Crappsville's finest son.
A Very Local Paper
All the news that's local to Mr Henry Droop, Littlehampton.
Old Clothes
Trading Standards warn against dangerously out of date clobber.
What Is It?
How what why when who where and when? Hello?
Brick II
Recycling the rubble.
Sofas are From Mars...
The race to put the first sofa on Mars.
Fatquake
A sad farewell to the world's fatest man.
Jaggedy
Mrs Lubricant wants a tidiery Britain.
The Ultimate Procrastination Suite
Just been handed a project but can't be bothered to get started?
Octo-Fever
Are you allergic to octopuses?
Eazee-post
Taking the pain out of internet forums.
Short and Curly
Unlocking the power of curly hair.
Butterfly
Prof Jim Spanners explains chaos theory
Persons Unknown
Mr Frampton is looking for somoeone to blame.
Tripping the Dark Fantastic
Hello darkness my old friend
World of the Wacky
With the Amazing Mr Ooluv
Gin!
Gin, gin and more gin!
Kicking Up a New Stink
Breakthrough leads to discovery of new smell.
Mathew Sandblaster-Trogg
A bouncy little freak.
Some more stupid than others.
Barry Buys a Broom
Dirty Doings at Featherstone Manor
Board Meeting
The Day Before Tomnorrow
Tall Story in a Short Glass
The Hedgehog King
The Mystery of the Shitfaced Man
Venus by Catapult
You Again
Death, Doom and Disaster
Goldilocks and the Free Bears
Bristletech Industries
Do you need to grow a beard? Fast?
Linguini!
Learn to speak fluent pasta.
Buy Our Shampoo
Just buy it, ok.
Buttock Express
Your arse in our hands.
Dougal Fridgely
Possible dwarf planet discovered in Tadcaster
Forward to the '80s
How we'll all be travelling in the '80s.
Happismiles Emergency Clown Service
For when your regular clown lets you down.
A Fistful of Sausages
Brought to you by the meat marketing board.
Diagnosis
Professor Wimple has a dirty mouth.
Noblock and Kerfanderbuck
All smileytangled cockrock strop.
Local Heroes
Outstanding achievements in the field of vandalism.
An Important Announcement about Fish
Clever trout and erudite pilcards.
The Battersea Wigs Home
We never put a healthy wig down.
The Delusion of J Henry Proudfoot
We meet an alien archaeologist.
The Drivelling
Troubled Hammer film gets new release.
The Alternative Olympics
Speed swingball and dodgem rallying.
The Language of Dance
Jazz hands and quickstep.
The Beaufort Scale
Slight wafts and uninvited pumps.
Greygolds Residential Care Home
Where quality care costs extra.
Nobby Wentworth's Pet Surgery
Save cash - fix your own pets in the comfort of your own home.
Maisy Donnington's Guide to Perking Yourself Up
Turn that frown upside down.
So Special
Special beauty therapies for very special people.
Thinking of Buying an Octopus?
How to look after your squishy friend.
Petunia Mulch
Plant psychologist.
Wisbech
Theft of town exposed as hoax.
Rob Hammond's Essential Guide to Buddhism
Rob Hammond will give you a spiritual kicking,
Blood Donors Needed
Please bleed into the envelope provided.
Why Your Printer Doesn't Work
Most of these devices are allergic to paper.
Cut Price Chips
You like chips? You like lots of chips?
Centuri Space Supplies
Second hand space travel
Professional Scarer
GRRRRRR! AAAAARRRRGH! GRRRR!
Grampion Strangely's Mountain Rescue
These vulnderable mountains need your help.
Barry the Road Safety Owl
No nonsense advice from a wise old bird
Dilbert's Donkey Solutions
Professional donkey storage.
Bad Grandma Grammar
The inappropriate erection of words.
How Long is a Piece of String?
The hit gameshow for all the family.
No More Glasses!
Fry sausages with just a wink of the eye.
The Montreux Clinic For Aural Readjustment
Get your wonky flappers straightened here
Introducing Flying Squirrels
Flying into the side of a house at forty knots...
The Horse-Drawn Record Player
Equestrian technology.
The Discovery of Vitamin G
Great moments in science.
Glen Twerk is not at Work
Caveat emptor, quo vadis.
Scoop!
Local frog trapped in drain.
'Ello 'Ello 'Ello, What's All This Then?
Presenting The Metropolitan Police Choir.
Crystal N.R.G.
Harnessing the mystical bollocks of the universe.
Christopher Columbus Discoveries Inc
If you've lost it, Chris will find it.
A Career in Printing
Why not specialise in the colour green?
Arty Tomatoes
Guy Pakker's latest artistic venture.
History in Focus
An elbow shaker and a lickspittling mumblecrust
We're No Longer Recruiting...
...but here are some of the unlucky applicants
Exploding Dinners
Put the fun back into dinner time.
Gerald de Scooter's Restaurant Guide
Top notch swanky grub,
Whose Legs Are These?
The gameshow for all the family
Flexi Mortem
The only credit card you can use after death.
Drive-by Wallpapering
Delinquent decorating.
Metal Detecting
German U-Boat Found on Devon Beach.
Optimum Leaning Angles
How to look cool and interesting at an angle.
Dolby Noise Reduction Sausages
Cut out the hiss next breakfast time.
Harry Carson is Watching You
It's a man's life as a modern store detective.
The Fish Olympics
Piscine polevaulting and haddock hurdles.
The Unusual Suspects
A message from Det. Insp. Barker Harris.
Quality Service at Pooley's
With our motoring correspondent, Martin Carburetor.
Fraudulent Bananas
Phony fruit.
Donald Fact's Fact Breakers
Remembering the classic '70s kids' show.
The Aromatron
A whole new world of smells awaits you.
Know Your Birds
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Modern Day Bird Warfare
Hear and Now
For collectors of rare and unusual sounds.
One-Sided Dice
One-Sided Dice for Fatalists.
Petty Complaints Ombudsman
Giving your batshit insade complaints the respect they deserve.
New Rights for Fictional Characters
It's no longer ok to call Oliver Twist a twat.
Cold Fusion Sandwiches
A new era in atomic lunches.
Something Happened on Tuesday
Probably, but we're not sure what.
Moroccan Dancing Moles
David Attenburger's Wonderful World of Nature.
Ralph Trundle: F1 Driver
We talk to a legend of the circuit
Spread the Good Word!
Your chance to buy shares in the Salvation Army!
Announcing the iSpong
Totally changing the way that people spong in the future.
No Offence
The Right Honourable David McGog unapologetically apologises.
Motorcycle Display Teams
A bunch of blokes twatting about on bikes.
Spooky Doings
The magazine of weird and improbable stuff.
Some People You've Never Heard Of
Rancid Alan Grease and others.
Songs of Inspiration
Jesus Wants Me For His Darts Team.
SciFi Fan Draws a Blank
Publisher leaves pages blank to cut costs.
Help a Pirate in Need
These buccaneers desperately need your support.
Slugbond
Because an inflated slug is a happy slug.
Top Twenty Albums of the '70s
With Ricky Stratocaster, professor of twangology.
A Sustained Corporate Battering
We're concerned about Mr Pyle
Gentlemen's Etiquette
How to behave right proper and all that.
Operation Mutton
The millitary applications of sheep during WWII.
Travel News
Cowboys on the line and bricked up tunnels,
Galactic Phrasebook
Learn to speak Venusian!
Pigchums
Meet likeminded pigs in your area!
An Old Fart Remembers
Do you remember Puthering Day?
Scrufty's Magic Juju Shoppe
A tale of oconker mismanagement.
Pooley's Fire Distinguisher
Put paid to that firey bullshit.
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