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01 July 2015
Stuff and Nonsense - July 2015

July's Stuff and Nonsense is out, featuring the best comedy, satire, cartoonery and comment from 49 different sites.

Stuff and Nonsense - July 2015


26 June 2015

Disposable wands

A new startup company is hoping to corner the burgeoning amateur wizard market with a new range of disposable wands. This is not the first time that disposable wands have been made available but previously the range of spells they were capable of casting was really quite limited.

President of the Mystic Circle, The Great Magnifico the All Powerful (aka Colin Smith), was sceptical about the new project. "They've been tried before," he said. "There was a company back in the eighties who launched something similar but they were a poor substitute for a proper professional wand. They might be okay for kids trying out some dodgy card trick, but that's about the limit. You wouldn't be able to use one to turn yourself invisible, levitate a bus or saw a lady in half."

Nevertheless, the company is confident that there will be demand for a single-use, all-purpose wand that can be discarded once the spell has been cast. It aims to offer them in packs of five, although plans to have them in stores by the end of the year now look uncertain. Concerns about health and safety have been raised following a number of accidents during development, including one incident in which a test conjuror accidentally snapped one of the wands mid-spell and managed to turned himself into an alpaca.

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24 June 2015

Extreme Dinosaurs

Coming soon to a TV station near you

Extreme Dinosaurs

Extreme Dinosaurs on YouTube

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23 June 2015

Metric Phone Numbers

phone

An international agreement between major communications providers has agreed a timescale for the introduction of metric phone numbers. Although these have been used in a small number of proprietary internal switchboards, only imperial numbers are currently issued to users by telecommunication companies. To date there have been no major problems with this system, but as equipment is upgraded and fibre optics replace traditional cabling, there is a greater likelihood of incompatibility.

There is also another pressing reason for the change. The current range of imperial phone numbers is limited and as the telecommunications market grows it will soon outstrip demand. Metric numbers have a far greater range as they are able to accommodate a decimal point, and there is even a possibility that negative phone numbers could be used.

However, the changes will inevitably be met with resistance and some members of the public have already made their feelings known. "I don't hold with it," said one angry British Telecom customer when we phoned and pestered him. "All my life I've been ringing up numbers in feet and inches. Now all of a sudden I've got to start using kilograms and litres and goodness knows what. Well, I think it's disgusting and I'm not going to do it. This is worse than when the weather went decimal."

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19 June 2015

Here Come the Internet Police

Internet Policeman

Police forces in the UK are reporting a significant increase in detection rates after turning to social media in order to catch criminals. Last year, a pilot project by Cambridgeshire Constabulary experimented with friending suspected offenders on Facebook, successfully managing to track down a number of wanted felons from pictures of their pets.

The project has now been expanded across the country as senior officials have realised that it is both cheaper and safer for surveillance officers to follow people on Twitter rather than in real life. Not only that, but there are rumours that Google Plus is developing a function that will enable law enforcement agents to arrest people online, while Pinterest is experimenting with software that claims it can reliably extract a confession.

Inevitably, the move towards virtual policing is attracting its critics, but proponents of the new measures are keen to highlight success stories. For example, there was a great deal of press coverage when the Serious Crime Squad cracked a major international counterfeiting ring after connecting with the ringleaders on LinkedIn. But this news was soon eclipsed by an even bigger breakthrough: namely, the arrest of a wanted post office robber who was finally discovered after hiding out - completely unnoticed - on MySpace for the last ten years.

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See the full list

The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2015

The Annual 2015

100 pages. Get it for FREE

To download Click Here (76.4 MB)

Or read it online here.

 

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The History of Rock

Inside the Nun Factory

Nuns don't grow on trees

Lobster Facts

With Derek the Fact Crab

Sitting Down

A boon to the chair industry

A Tall Order

Adventures in marketing

What Do Your Keys Say About You?

Keyreading for beginners

Grand Theft Equine

Stealing horses to order

Teaching Carrots to Fly Links

Archive 1

February 2001
- July 2003

Art

"Torching the National Gallery..."

Bare-Knuckle Snooker

"A brutal and vicious game..."


The Thoroughfare of Success

"Targeted motivational short-term direction objectives..."

Wind Tunnel Technician

"We speak to Maurice Pencil, a wind tunnel technician..."

more...

 

Sandals
Arty Tomatoes
Animals
more
News

1965

Scientists have finally discovered the highest known number. Boffins working in a top secret atomic research centre hidden beneath the Atlas mountains have been steadily counting upwards since 1966, and recently announced that they reached the number one thousand, nine hundred and sixty-five, before they were unable to go any further. They have therefore concluded that this must be the largest number that physics will allow... Oh, hang on... 1966...

Optimum Leaning Angles

"It's always best to rest against something solid, such as a small horse..."


Stopping Distances

"How close a Gentleman should get to a Lady..."

10 Things You Never Knew About Frogs

"Frogs can jump ten times their own bodyweight..."

Maisy Donnington's Guide to Perking Yourself Up

"You're a miserable old sourpuss..."

more...
Board Meeting Goldilocks and the Free Bears Death Doom and Disaster Tall Story in a Short Glass Venus by Catapult Barry Buys a Broom
  Buying an Octopus?

What you need to know

Tracey's Mobile Hair

Troubled by unruly hair?

Top Five Interview Tips

Land your dream job

Food Banking

David Chumbly, MP for Waitrose

More...

Out Now

Recalled to Life Recalled to Life: The University of the Bleeding Obvious Volume 3

Stuffed with new material and old favourites, Recalled to Life is 280 pages of plumptiousness and very probably exactly what you need to prop up that wonky old table in the kitchen.

Find out more here.

 


 

More info...

Kicking and Screaming

Prologue: Peanuts

You Don't Have to be Mad to Work Here...

Machiavelli Management Solutions

The Bleeding Obvious

Exploding Dogs

Baby's First Swear

Scrufty's Magic Juju Shop

Pigmongering

Empire of the Flowers

Scumm

Mrs Wilberforce and the River

Epilogue: Persons Unknown




The University
of the Bleeding Obvious

All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2000-2015, and may not be reproduced without the express permission of the author. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.


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