Have you got what it takes to stay in the country?
Be a great Briton. Or get out.
Maisy Donnington's Office Safety
How to avoid the business end of a stapler.
Puzzle Page!
With the amazing Mr Ooluv.
Echo...Echo
Mr Clutterbuck has an echo... echo... echo.
Nuclear Garden
Mr Sideboard is not happy about his exploding shed.
What Is It?
How what why when who where and when? Hello?
The Battersea Wigs Home
We never put a healthy wig down.
Grampion Strangely's Mountain Rescue
These vulnderable mountains need your help.
Christopher Columbus Discoveries Inc
If you've lost it, Chris will find it.
Diagnosis
Professor Wimple has a dirty mouth.
Spread the Good Word!
Your chance to buy shares in the Salvation Army!
Out and About
The International Toast Museum and other attractions.
British Gas
Sending foreign gas back home.
Dougal Fridgely
Possible dwarf planet discovered in Tadcaster
Tony Fold's Country Rambles
with guest rambler, Rory Triffic.
The Embarrasment of Nasal Hair Loss
Nostril wigs for all occasions
Words of wisdom from our resident medic
...Tigers ...Moles ...Farm Machinery ...Hypnotism ...Fruit ...Soap ...Implants ...Pianos ...Happy Clappers ...The Environment
The Unusual Suspects
A message from Det. Insp. Barker Harris.
National Consumer Instructions Awards
Confusing, badly translated or just plain weird.
Mr Gammon's Objections
Shepton Bassett Council Responds
Dobbins of Doncaster
Get yourself a quality ass.
Spooky Doings
The magazine of weird and improbable stuff.
New Rights for Fictional Characters
It's no longer ok to call Oliver Twist a twat.
The Thoroughfare of Success
Dick Smidgen teaches you how to live your life but better.
Inside the Nun Factory
Where do nuns come from?
Amateur Stamp Collector Collector
Want to know how much to pay for a Nigel Tomlinson?
The World Bullshit Record
Team bonding, goal setting and table top brainstorming
The Square Root of Green
Fresh breakthrough in the science of colourology.
Bad Grandma Grammar
The inappropriate erection of words.
Petty Complaints Ombudsman
Giving your batshit insade complaints the respect they deserve.
Carter-Pierrepoint
Particulate mapping of key delivery nodes.
Something Happened on Tuesday
Probably, but we're not sure what.
Feathered Friends
Could you befriend a lonely parrot?
Traffic Watch
Heavy vibes are causing delays on the A52.
Veg-U-Like
Tomatoes, cauliflower, brussel sprouts and peas - collect the whole set.
Award for Outstanding Celebrity
New awards for old has-beens
Songs of Inspiration
Jesus Wants Me For His Darts Team.
Oven Chimps
With none of the greasy aftertaste of regular monkeys.
Are you ready for Digital Ornithology?
Analogue birds are about to be switched off.
Barry the Road Safety Owl
No nonsense advice from a wise old bird
A Ding-Dong Duvets
Prof Reynaud pulls a fast one.
World of the Wacky
With the Amazing Mr Ooluv
Art
Selwyn Peach paints Elephants
Comfy Dinners
A meal fit for a bed.
Pigchums
Meet likeminded pigs in your area!
Crystal N.R.G.
Harnessing the mystical bollocks of the universe.
The Horse-Drawn Record Player
Equestrian technology.
So Special
Special beauty therapies for very special people.
For Kids of All Ages...
Introducing our new range of children's books.
Cash for Pets
Trade in your unwanted dog.
Space Things
The continuing adventures of Astro Cat.
Emergency Kebabs
When you absolutely positively need a kebab.
New Deposits of Earwax Discovered
Significant quantities discovered in Mr Harry Frome
Munchy Burger
Can you cut the mustard as a top burger executive?
Core Competencies in Office Furniture
Sign up for a certificate in filing cabinets.
No Offence
The Right Honourable David McGog unapologetically apologises.
How to Look After Your Cement Mixer
A great addition to any home.
Cold Fusion Sandwiches
A new era in atomic lunches.
Old Clothes
Trading Standards warn against dangerously out of date clobber.
Astralguard
Insurance for Astral Travellers.
Gin!
Gin, gin and more gin!
Butterfly
Prof Jim Spanners explains chaos theory
Mind Your Wind
Issued by the Ministry of Gas, 1942.
Digital Vicars
The secret ways that vicars communicate?
Slugbond
Because an inflated slug is a happy slug.
Dilbert's Donkey Solutions
Professional donkey storage.
Why Your Printer Doesn't Work
Most of these devices are allergic to paper.
Typists of the Kalahari
Shorthand tigers and double entry hippos.
Fatquake
A sad farewell to the world's fatest man.
Sugar Free Vegan Diesel
There's no butter in it either.
Debt Matters
Making you aware of your debt.
Petunia Mulch
Plant psychologist.
The Great Space Exhibition
Glorious innovations and technical marvels!
10 Things You Never Knew About Frogs
Frogtastic Facts
Neighbor Nightmares: The Movie
Two men, one drive, no prisoners.
Fleegle
New number has consequences for the future of the universe. And bingo.
Welcome to Stick World
If you like sticks, well, we've got sticks.
Brick II
Recycling the rubble.
Help a Pirate in Need
These buccaneers desperately need your support.
Jazz Bomb
Raw unadulterated jazz.
World of Holes
Europe's leading stockist of quality holes.
Is Your Tortoise Roadworthy?
Important news from the Ministry of Tortoises.
Gerald de Scooter's Restaurant Guide
Top notch swanky grub,
Topping Talent
Featuring the Marvellous Undersea Kingdom of Colin Chocolate.
Quality Service at Pooley's
With our motoring correspondent, Martin Carburetor.
Linguini!
Learn to speak fluent pasta.
Rob Hammond's Essential Guide to Buddhism
Rob Hammond will give you a spiritual kicking,
Scrufty's Magic Juju Shoppe
A tale of oconker mismanagement.
Brixham Trouser Museum
The UK 's premier trouser experience.
'Ello 'Ello 'Ello, What's All This Then?
Presenting The Metropolitan Police Choir.
The Discovery of Vitamin G
Great moments in science.
Jehovah's Cleaners
Because cleanliness is nexr to godliness.
Twenty-First Century Scouting
A woggle for the new miilenium.
Nobby Wentworth's Pet Surgery
Save cash - fix your own pets in the comfort of your own home.
Night of the Womble
Unpublished Womble book is dystopian nightmare.
Forward to the '80s
How we'll all be travelling in the '80s.
Happismiles Emergency Clown Service
For when your regular clown lets you down.
Drive-by Wallpapering
Delinquent decorating.
Exploding Dinners
Put the fun back into dinner time.
Glen Twerk is not at Work
Caveat emptor, quo vadis.
It's a Fact!
More facts from the Funky Fact Feller.
The Bleeding Obvious
You pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
Galactic Phrasebook
Learn to speak Venusian!
Introducing Flying Squirrels
Flying into the side of a house at forty knots...
The Wackiest Person in the UK
Alison Perkins is a mad as a fish.
Cut Price Chips
You like chips? You like lots of chips?
Extreme Dinosaurs
Skateboarding plesiosaurs, rollerblading raptors and a brontosaurus with a space hopper.
Donald Fact's Fact Breakers
Remembering the classic '70s kids' show.
Bare-knuckle Snooker
The biggest threat to law and order since badminton
Announcing the iSpong
Totally changing the way that people spong in the future.
Metal Detecting
German U-Boat Found on Devon Beach.
Punctuation Crisis
We're running out of apostrophes.
Criminal Offence Self-Assessment Form
Tick the box if you're a wrong 'un.
Jars-4-u
Get your jars opened by a professional jar opener!
Doing Lengths
Mr Zing is swimming from pole to pole
Well Stuffed
Rogue taxidermist terrorises family pets.
Maisy Donnington's Guide to Perking Yourself Up
Turn that frown upside down.
Knitting in Colour
This day in 1956 saw the introduction of the first regular colour knitting patterns.
In the market for a used policeman?
How to spot a dodgy copper.
Greygolds Residential Care Home
Where quality care costs extra.
International Arse Kicking
Bottom kicking for fun and profit.
Fine Dining
with Woodroffe Spanker
Pigmongering
Fergus Pong introduces us to this dying art.
Octo-Fever
Are you allergic to octopuses?
Marmaduke Irksome: A Retrospective
Talking crap in the House of Commons.
Motorcycle Display Teams
A bunch of blokes twatting about on bikes.
Evening Courses
Pseudo-academic subjects and frivolous arts and crafts courses.
Blood Donors Needed
Please bleed into the envelope provided.
Mr & Mrs Pottle are Lost Again
Why can't these people just stay at home?
Ricky Stratocaster's History of Rock
Maisy Donnington's Cheese Etiquette Page
Your guide to the wonderful world of cheese.
Sounds of Nature
Relax with chickens.
Stuff Your Bleeding Job
How to resign digracefully.
Baby's First Swear
Teach your little angel to swear like a trooper.
Fraudulent Bananas
Phony fruit.
Bing Crosby Boxing
Punching singers in the mouth.
Pooley's Fire Distinguisher
Put paid to that firey bullshit.
Maxi-Lingual for Motorists
Curse fluently in over six languages.
Historic Knees
Knees of outstanding natural beauty.
Selling Crap for Fun and Profit
The very best in useless tat.
The Prime Time Gameshow Generator
As used by TV executives worldwide.
The Language of Dance
Jazz hands and quickstep.
Mrs Womble writes...
An Important Announcement about Fish
Clever trout and erudite pilcards.
Rationalising Britain's River Network
Britain's waterways need straightening,
The Wonderful World of Ants
Ants, ants, ants, ants!
Caught by the Fuzz
New Recruitment Initiatives within the UK Police Force.
Lillywhite Lenny
On the importance of staying on the fecking horse.
A Fistful of Sausages
Brought to you by the meat marketing board.
Man Blames ESA for Domestic Eclipse
Mr Cravat is not happy about where they park their stuff.
Mathew Sandblaster-Trogg
A bouncy little freak.
Know Your Birds
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Modern Day Bird Warfare
Whose Legs Are These?
The gameshow for all the family
Barney's Magic Wonder Show
Belinda Sommers reviews the latest production.
How Long is a Piece of String?
The hit gameshow for all the family.
Skydiving
Skydiving without the unnecessary inconvenience of a parachute.
Cooker Island
Where the toasters roam free.
Anti-Assertiveness Classes
Tone it down a bit.
Things Fall Over All the Time
Arthur's train only has wheels on one side.
Donald Fact's Fact Blast
It's a Fact, brought to you by Crunchy Flakes.
Arty Tomatoes
Guy Pakker's latest artistic venture.
Death By Pastry
A huge pie just hanging in space.
Not Funny
Prof Jez Moonbeam is laughable.
Some more stupid than others.
Barry Buys a Broom
Dirty Doings at Featherstone Manor
Board Meeting
The Day Before Tomnorrow
Tall Story in a Short Glass
The Hedgehog King
The Mystery of the Shitfaced Man
Venus by Catapult
You Again
Death, Doom and Disaster
Goldilocks and the Free Bears
Kicking Up a New Stink
Breakthrough leads to discovery of new smell.
Wisbech
Theft of town exposed as hoax.
Scoop!
Local frog trapped in drain.
What's On in Lower Bumpstead
A packed programme, following that unfortunate incident with the fire eater.
The Kidderminster Lemon Exchange
Open now for faster, more reliable lemon exchange.
Bean Legacy
This summer, Christian Bale is Mr Bean.
Poot
Bigger, Better, Faster, Now!
The Ultimate Procrastination Suite
Just been handed a project but can't be bothered to get started?
Moroccan Dancing Moles
David Attenburger's Wonderful World of Nature.
Travel News
Cowboys on the line and bricked up tunnels,
Global Moistening
Fear of a wet planet.
Gentlemen's Etiquette
How to behave right proper and all that.
Cosmos Rocks
In an infinite universe, there is no limit to human gullibility.
Fats Porker - Blues Whinger
In memory of Crappsville's finest son.
It's a Fact
Fun facts from the Fact Master. Fank you.
Auras by Post?
Spruce up your chakras
We're No Longer Recruiting...
...but here are some of the unlucky applicants
One-Sided Dice
One-Sided Dice for Fatalists.
Eazee-post
Taking the pain out of internet forums.
Cheese Genome Finally Cracked!
Scientific proof of the existence of cheese.
Operation Mutton
The millitary applications of sheep during WWII.
Centuri Space Supplies
Second hand space travel
Local Heroes
Outstanding achievements in the field of vandalism.
The Aromatron
A whole new world of smells awaits you.
Machiavelli Management Solutions
Discipline over distance.
Professional Scarer
GRRRRRR! AAAAARRRRGH! GRRRR!
Persons Unknown
Mr Frampton is looking for somoeone to blame.
Ant Facts
with Donald Fact.
St Tiddles in the Font
Parish newsletter.
Noblock and Kerfanderbuck
All smileytangled cockrock strop.
Here Comes Barry Smith
Wise words from Shepton Bassett's number one coach driver.
Thinking of Buying an Octopus?
How to look after your squishy friend.
Some People You've Never Heard Of
Rancid Alan Grease and others.
Teaching Carrots to Fly
The cutting edge of vegetable warfare.
Tax, What Tax?
Sir John Wyndrell has never heard of his own company.
Dark Batter
Is the missing mass in the Universe actually pastry?
Shepton Bassett - A Vision for the Future
Better late than never, our town plan.
Optimum Leaning Angles
How to look cool and interesting at an angle.
Short and Curly
Unlocking the power of curly hair.
The Sandwich Advisor
Buying a sandwich is the third most stressful thing you can do.
The Trivial Accident Group
Have you been slightly inconvenienced at work?
The Devil's Arse On Tour
Famous cavern to tour country
How To Be Sweary
with Professor Timothy Bottom.
The Alternative Olympics
Speed swingball and dodgem rallying.
Your Staff Feedback, Your Way
Tired of hearing from ungrateful and misguided staff?
Staff Handbook
A handy guide to your new workplace.
Piffin: A Mediterranean Paradise
Boasting Europe's biggest landfill.
So You've Got a New Manager?
How to stop it crapping in your in tray.
An Old Fart Remembers
Do you remember Puthering Day?
Mr Bannerman's Evidence
Courtroom confusion.
The Montreux Clinic For Aural Readjustment
Get your wonky flappers straightened here
Cosmic Background Apathy
Will the universe keep expanding until it can't be bothered anymore?
Did Man Really Go To Belgium?
The dark truth behind the Belgian conspiracy
Dolby Noise Reduction Sausages
Cut out the hiss next breakfast time.
Rod Stewart and Enya's Rock 'n' Roll Mysteries
Solving crimes and fighting bad guys.
Squeak Off
The big noise in footwear technology.
The Shepton Bassett Village Fete
In aid of the St Tiddles in the Font Restoration Fund.
Hear and Now
For collectors of rare and unusual sounds.
Top Twenty Albums of the '70s
With Ricky Stratocaster, professor of twangology.
A Career in Printing
Why not specialise in the colour green?
Sofas are From Mars...
The race to put the first sofa on Mars.
Product Recall
Some of our biscuits may contain canoes.
Empire of the Flowers
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Operation Growbag.
Tripping the Dark Fantastic
Hello darkness my old friend
It's All in the Game
Classic board games from the past.
Pretty Pictures
Better management through crayons.
Buttock Express
Your arse in our hands.
Buy Our Shampoo
Just buy it, ok.
The Delusion of J Henry Proudfoot
We meet an alien archaeologist.
An Open Letter to Shepton Bassett Park & Zoo
Sorry about your monkeys.
Cake Rage
Pastry related assaults.
Bristletech Industries
Do you need to grow a beard? Fast?
No More Glasses!
Fry sausages with just a wink of the eye.
Harry Carson is Watching You
It's a man's life as a modern store detective.
The Long Range Trouser Forecast
Overnight corduroys and occasional dungarees.
A Sustained Corporate Battering
We're concerned about Mr Pyle
Shark Fishing
Fergus Pong has a shark problem.
Yeti Makeover
Mrs Stenchtrouser is planning an expedition.
Food Banking
MPs praise growing industry.
History in Focus
An elbow shaker and a lickspittling mumblecrust
The Drivelling
Troubled Hammer film gets new release.
Ralph Trundle: F1 Driver
We talk to a legend of the circuit
A Very Local Paper
All the news that's local to Mr Henry Droop, Littlehampton.
The National Key Museum!
We've got keys!
The Fish Olympics
Piscine polevaulting and haddock hurdles.
SciFi Fan Draws a Blank
Publisher leaves pages blank to cut costs.
Shave the Moon
Our hairy satellite.
Dream Strides
Emergency trousers delivered direct to your anxiety nightmare.
The Beaufort Scale
Slight wafts and uninvited pumps.
Flexi Mortem
The only credit card you can use after death.
Jaggedy
Mrs Lubricant wants a tidiery Britain.
Wind Tunnel Technician
Pardon?
Doing the Lord's Work
Vicars on the job.
Cock
The magazine for young gentlemen.
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