Blood Donors Needed
Please bleed into the envelope provided.
Rob Hammond's Essential Guide to Buddhism
Rob Hammond will give you a spiritual kicking,
An Old Fart Remembers
Do you remember Puthering Day?
New Deposits of Earwax Discovered
Significant quantities discovered in Mr Harry Frome
Dolby Noise Reduction Sausages
Cut out the hiss next breakfast time.
Nuclear Garden
Mr Sideboard is not happy about his exploding shed.
Mr Bannerman's Evidence
Courtroom confusion.
Flexi Mortem
The only credit card you can use after death.
Yeti Makeover
Mrs Stenchtrouser is planning an expedition.
We're No Longer Recruiting...
...but here are some of the unlucky applicants
Comfy Dinners
A meal fit for a bed.
Know Your Birds
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Modern Day Bird Warfare
Gin!
Gin, gin and more gin!
Man Blames ESA for Domestic Eclipse
Mr Cravat is not happy about where they park their stuff.
Rod Stewart and Enya's Rock 'n' Roll Mysteries
Solving crimes and fighting bad guys.
Glen Twerk is not at Work
Caveat emptor, quo vadis.
Words of wisdom from our resident medic
...Tigers ...Moles ...Farm Machinery ...Hypnotism ...Fruit ...Soap ...Implants ...Pianos ...Happy Clappers ...The Environment
Optimum Leaning Angles
How to look cool and interesting at an angle.
Scoop!
Local frog trapped in drain.
The Horse-Drawn Record Player
Equestrian technology.
Dark Batter
Is the missing mass in the Universe actually pastry?
It's a Fact
Fun facts from the Fact Master. Fank you.
Stuff Your Bleeding Job
How to resign digracefully.
An Important Announcement about Fish
Clever trout and erudite pilcards.
Help a Pirate in Need
These buccaneers desperately need your support.
Linguini!
Learn to speak fluent pasta.
Caught by the Fuzz
New Recruitment Initiatives within the UK Police Force.
The Aromatron
A whole new world of smells awaits you.
How To Be Sweary
with Professor Timothy Bottom.
A Fistful of Sausages
Brought to you by the meat marketing board.
Dobbins of Doncaster
Get yourself a quality ass.
Short and Curly
Unlocking the power of curly hair.
Death By Pastry
A huge pie just hanging in space.
It's a Fact!
More facts from the Funky Fact Feller.
Fatquake
A sad farewell to the world's fatest man.
Baby's First Swear
Teach your little angel to swear like a trooper.
The Drivelling
Troubled Hammer film gets new release.
The Trivial Accident Group
Have you been slightly inconvenienced at work?
Cosmic Background Apathy
Will the universe keep expanding until it can't be bothered anymore?
Introducing Flying Squirrels
Flying into the side of a house at forty knots...
Centuri Space Supplies
Second hand space travel
Arty Tomatoes
Guy Pakker's latest artistic venture.
No More Glasses!
Fry sausages with just a wink of the eye.
Astralguard
Insurance for Astral Travellers.
The Fish Olympics
Piscine polevaulting and haddock hurdles.
Galactic Phrasebook
Learn to speak Venusian!
So Special
Special beauty therapies for very special people.
Here Comes Barry Smith
Wise words from Shepton Bassett's number one coach driver.
Barney's Magic Wonder Show
Belinda Sommers reviews the latest production.
The Long Range Trouser Forecast
Overnight corduroys and occasional dungarees.
Have you got what it takes to stay in the country?
Be a great Briton. Or get out.
Piffin: A Mediterranean Paradise
Boasting Europe's biggest landfill.
Pigchums
Meet likeminded pigs in your area!
The Great Space Exhibition
Glorious innovations and technical marvels!
Cake Rage
Pastry related assaults.
Veg-U-Like
Tomatoes, cauliflower, brussel sprouts and peas - collect the whole set.
Buttock Express
Your arse in our hands.
The National Key Museum!
We've got keys!
Nobby Wentworth's Pet Surgery
Save cash - fix your own pets in the comfort of your own home.
The Alternative Olympics
Speed swingball and dodgem rallying.
Tony Fold's Country Rambles
with guest rambler, Rory Triffic.
Evening Courses
Pseudo-academic subjects and frivolous arts and crafts courses.
Thinking of Buying an Octopus?
How to look after your squishy friend.
Quality Service at Pooley's
With our motoring correspondent, Martin Carburetor.
Announcing the iSpong
Totally changing the way that people spong in the future.
Are you ready for Digital Ornithology?
Analogue birds are about to be switched off.
Jaggedy
Mrs Lubricant wants a tidiery Britain.
Maxi-Lingual for Motorists
Curse fluently in over six languages.
Gerald de Scooter's Restaurant Guide
Top notch swanky grub,
Skydiving
Skydiving without the unnecessary inconvenience of a parachute.
Sofas are From Mars...
The race to put the first sofa on Mars.
Machiavelli Management Solutions
Discipline over distance.
The Delusion of J Henry Proudfoot
We meet an alien archaeologist.
10 Things You Never Knew About Frogs
Frogtastic Facts
Empire of the Flowers
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Operation Growbag.
Buy Our Shampoo
Just buy it, ok.
Drive-by Wallpapering
Delinquent decorating.
Night of the Womble
Unpublished Womble book is dystopian nightmare.
Shark Fishing
Fergus Pong has a shark problem.
Puzzle Page!
With the amazing Mr Ooluv.
The Unusual Suspects
A message from Det. Insp. Barker Harris.
Mr & Mrs Pottle are Lost Again
Why can't these people just stay at home?
Echo...Echo
Mr Clutterbuck has an echo... echo... echo.
Squeak Off
The big noise in footwear technology.
Twenty-First Century Scouting
A woggle for the new miilenium.
Debt Matters
Making you aware of your debt.
The Square Root of Green
Fresh breakthrough in the science of colourology.
One-Sided Dice
One-Sided Dice for Fatalists.
Maisy Donnington's Guide to Perking Yourself Up
Turn that frown upside down.
Shepton Bassett - A Vision for the Future
Better late than never, our town plan.
Octo-Fever
Are you allergic to octopuses?
Munchy Burger
Can you cut the mustard as a top burger executive?
Digital Vicars
The secret ways that vicars communicate?
Bing Crosby Boxing
Punching singers in the mouth.
British Gas
Sending foreign gas back home.
Product Recall
Some of our biscuits may contain canoes.
Old Clothes
Trading Standards warn against dangerously out of date clobber.
The Shepton Bassett Village Fete
In aid of the St Tiddles in the Font Restoration Fund.
Dougal Fridgely
Possible dwarf planet discovered in Tadcaster
World of the Wacky
With the Amazing Mr Ooluv
How to Look After Your Cement Mixer
A great addition to any home.
Fleegle
New number has consequences for the future of the universe. And bingo.
Space Things
The continuing adventures of Astro Cat.
Motorcycle Display Teams
A bunch of blokes twatting about on bikes.
Oven Chimps
With none of the greasy aftertaste of regular monkeys.
Forward to the '80s
How we'll all be travelling in the '80s.
SciFi Fan Draws a Blank
Publisher leaves pages blank to cut costs.
Fats Porker - Blues Whinger
In memory of Crappsville's finest son.
Historic Knees
Knees of outstanding natural beauty.
Amateur Stamp Collector Collector
Want to know how much to pay for a Nigel Tomlinson?
Moroccan Dancing Moles
David Attenburger's Wonderful World of Nature.
Out and About
The International Toast Museum and other attractions.
Knitting in Colour
This day in 1956 saw the introduction of the first regular colour knitting patterns.
How Long is a Piece of String?
The hit gameshow for all the family.
Tax, What Tax?
Sir John Wyndrell has never heard of his own company.
Why Your Printer Doesn't Work
Most of these devices are allergic to paper.
Award for Outstanding Celebrity
New awards for old has-beens
Exploding Dinners
Put the fun back into dinner time.
Gentlemen's Etiquette
How to behave right proper and all that.
Spread the Good Word!
Your chance to buy shares in the Salvation Army!
Persons Unknown
Mr Frampton is looking for somoeone to blame.
Fine Dining
with Woodroffe Spanker
Bare-knuckle Snooker
The biggest threat to law and order since badminton
Lillywhite Lenny
On the importance of staying on the fecking horse.
Top Twenty Albums of the '70s
With Ricky Stratocaster, professor of twangology.
The Wackiest Person in the UK
Alison Perkins is a mad as a fish.
Mind Your Wind
Issued by the Ministry of Gas, 1942.
Brick II
Recycling the rubble.
Dream Strides
Emergency trousers delivered direct to your anxiety nightmare.
Ricky Stratocaster's History of Rock
The Thoroughfare of Success
Dick Smidgen teaches you how to live your life but better.
Travel News
Cowboys on the line and bricked up tunnels,
St Tiddles in the Font
Parish newsletter.
Rationalising Britain's River Network
Britain's waterways need straightening,
The Ultimate Procrastination Suite
Just been handed a project but can't be bothered to get started?
Doing the Lord's Work
Vicars on the job.
Selling Crap for Fun and Profit
The very best in useless tat.
Maisy Donnington's Office Safety
How to avoid the business end of a stapler.
Anti-Assertiveness Classes
Tone it down a bit.
Slugbond
Because an inflated slug is a happy slug.
The Discovery of Vitamin G
Great moments in science.
Auras by Post?
Spruce up your chakras
Mrs Womble writes...
Diagnosis
Professor Wimple has a dirty mouth.
Petty Complaints Ombudsman
Giving your batshit insade complaints the respect they deserve.
Petunia Mulch
Plant psychologist.
Bad Grandma Grammar
The inappropriate erection of words.
Art
Selwyn Peach paints Elephants
Whose Legs Are These?
The gameshow for all the family
Marmaduke Irksome: A Retrospective
Talking crap in the House of Commons.
Brixham Trouser Museum
The UK 's premier trouser experience.
What Is It?
How what why when who where and when? Hello?
Pooley's Fire Distinguisher
Put paid to that firey bullshit.
Maisy Donnington's Cheese Etiquette Page
Your guide to the wonderful world of cheese.
Scrufty's Magic Juju Shoppe
A tale of oconker mismanagement.
The World Bullshit Record
Team bonding, goal setting and table top brainstorming
Mathew Sandblaster-Trogg
A bouncy little freak.
The Prime Time Gameshow Generator
As used by TV executives worldwide.
Shave the Moon
Our hairy satellite.
A Ding-Dong Duvets
Prof Reynaud pulls a fast one.
The Montreux Clinic For Aural Readjustment
Get your wonky flappers straightened here
Carter-Pierrepoint
Particulate mapping of key delivery nodes.
A Very Local Paper
All the news that's local to Mr Henry Droop, Littlehampton.
Some more stupid than others.
Barry Buys a Broom
Dirty Doings at Featherstone Manor
Board Meeting
The Day Before Tomnorrow
Tall Story in a Short Glass
The Hedgehog King
The Mystery of the Shitfaced Man
Venus by Catapult
You Again
Death, Doom and Disaster
Goldilocks and the Free Bears
Greygolds Residential Care Home
Where quality care costs extra.
Punctuation Crisis
We're running out of apostrophes.
Professional Scarer
GRRRRRR! AAAAARRRRGH! GRRRR!
Pigmongering
Fergus Pong introduces us to this dying art.
Extreme Dinosaurs
Skateboarding plesiosaurs, rollerblading raptors and a brontosaurus with a space hopper.
The Battersea Wigs Home
We never put a healthy wig down.
Cock
The magazine for young gentlemen.
Butterfly
Prof Jim Spanners explains chaos theory
Neighbor Nightmares: The Movie
Two men, one drive, no prisoners.
Bean Legacy
This summer, Christian Bale is Mr Bean.
Cash for Pets
Trade in your unwanted dog.
Harry Carson is Watching You
It's a man's life as a modern store detective.
National Consumer Instructions Awards
Confusing, badly translated or just plain weird.
An Open Letter to Shepton Bassett Park & Zoo
Sorry about your monkeys.
Global Moistening
Fear of a wet planet.
International Arse Kicking
Bottom kicking for fun and profit.
Noblock and Kerfanderbuck
All smileytangled cockrock strop.
The Beaufort Scale
Slight wafts and uninvited pumps.
New Rights for Fictional Characters
It's no longer ok to call Oliver Twist a twat.
Well Stuffed
Rogue taxidermist terrorises family pets.
Core Competencies in Office Furniture
Sign up for a certificate in filing cabinets.
The Kidderminster Lemon Exchange
Open now for faster, more reliable lemon exchange.
It's All in the Game
Classic board games from the past.
Christopher Columbus Discoveries Inc
If you've lost it, Chris will find it.
Topping Talent
Featuring the Marvellous Undersea Kingdom of Colin Chocolate.
Sugar Free Vegan Diesel
There's no butter in it either.
Donald Fact's Fact Blast
It's a Fact, brought to you by Crunchy Flakes.
Pretty Pictures
Better management through crayons.
Ralph Trundle: F1 Driver
We talk to a legend of the circuit
Is Your Tortoise Roadworthy?
Important news from the Ministry of Tortoises.
Not Funny
Prof Jez Moonbeam is laughable.
Wind Tunnel Technician
Pardon?
Songs of Inspiration
Jesus Wants Me For His Darts Team.
Dilbert's Donkey Solutions
Professional donkey storage.
A Sustained Corporate Battering
We're concerned about Mr Pyle
Things Fall Over All the Time
Arthur's train only has wheels on one side.
Cut Price Chips
You like chips? You like lots of chips?
The Devil's Arse On Tour
Famous cavern to tour country
Some People You've Never Heard Of
Rancid Alan Grease and others.
Operation Mutton
The millitary applications of sheep during WWII.
Cold Fusion Sandwiches
A new era in atomic lunches.
Did Man Really Go To Belgium?
The dark truth behind the Belgian conspiracy
Spooky Doings
The magazine of weird and improbable stuff.
Welcome to Stick World
If you like sticks, well, we've got sticks.
The Language of Dance
Jazz hands and quickstep.
Jehovah's Cleaners
Because cleanliness is nexr to godliness.
Ant Facts
with Donald Fact.
No Offence
The Right Honourable David McGog unapologetically apologises.
For Kids of All Ages...
Introducing our new range of children's books.
Doing Lengths
Mr Zing is swimming from pole to pole
Cheese Genome Finally Cracked!
Scientific proof of the existence of cheese.
Happismiles Emergency Clown Service
For when your regular clown lets you down.
The Bleeding Obvious
You pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
Donald Fact's Fact Breakers
Remembering the classic '70s kids' show.
Metal Detecting
German U-Boat Found on Devon Beach.
Your Staff Feedback, Your Way
Tired of hearing from ungrateful and misguided staff?
Fraudulent Bananas
Phony fruit.
Bristletech Industries
Do you need to grow a beard? Fast?
Wisbech
Theft of town exposed as hoax.
Food Banking
MPs praise growing industry.
Traffic Watch
Heavy vibes are causing delays on the A52.
History in Focus
An elbow shaker and a lickspittling mumblecrust
The Sandwich Advisor
Buying a sandwich is the third most stressful thing you can do.
Crystal N.R.G.
Harnessing the mystical bollocks of the universe.
Hear and Now
For collectors of rare and unusual sounds.
Jazz Bomb
Raw unadulterated jazz.
Local Heroes
Outstanding achievements in the field of vandalism.
The Embarrasment of Nasal Hair Loss
Nostril wigs for all occasions
Emergency Kebabs
When you absolutely positively need a kebab.
Staff Handbook
A handy guide to your new workplace.
A Career in Printing
Why not specialise in the colour green?
Eazee-post
Taking the pain out of internet forums.
Poot
Bigger, Better, Faster, Now!
Sounds of Nature
Relax with chickens.
Cooker Island
Where the toasters roam free.
So You've Got a New Manager?
How to stop it crapping in your in tray.
Cosmos Rocks
In an infinite universe, there is no limit to human gullibility.
Something Happened on Tuesday
Probably, but we're not sure what.
Jars-4-u
Get your jars opened by a professional jar opener!
Tripping the Dark Fantastic
Hello darkness my old friend
Feathered Friends
Could you befriend a lonely parrot?
Inside the Nun Factory
Where do nuns come from?
Criminal Offence Self-Assessment Form
Tick the box if you're a wrong 'un.
Kicking Up a New Stink
Breakthrough leads to discovery of new smell.
Teaching Carrots to Fly
The cutting edge of vegetable warfare.
What's On in Lower Bumpstead
A packed programme, following that unfortunate incident with the fire eater.
World of Holes
Europe's leading stockist of quality holes.
Typists of the Kalahari
Shorthand tigers and double entry hippos.
'Ello 'Ello 'Ello, What's All This Then?
Presenting The Metropolitan Police Choir.
Mr Gammon's Objections
Shepton Bassett Council Responds
The Wonderful World of Ants
Ants, ants, ants, ants!
Grampion Strangely's Mountain Rescue
These vulnderable mountains need your help.
In the market for a used policeman?
How to spot a dodgy copper.
Barry the Road Safety Owl
No nonsense advice from a wise old bird
All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2000-2026, and may not be reproduced without the express permission of the author. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. || Picture Credits: P.Farnsworth/morguefile.com/craiyon.com. || Privacy Notice: this site does not collect, store or otherwise process your personal data. Sorry, but I'm not the slightest bit interested in you.
