A Very Local Paper
All the news that's local to Mr Henry Droop, Littlehampton.
Optimum Leaning Angles
How to look cool and interesting at an angle.
It's a Fact
Fun facts from the Fact Master. Fank you.
Cut Price Chips
You like chips? You like lots of chips?
Donald Fact's Fact Breakers
Remembering the classic '70s kids' show.
Jehovah's Cleaners
Because cleanliness is nexr to godliness.
Mind Your Wind
Issued by the Ministry of Gas, 1942.
The Sandwich Advisor
Buying a sandwich is the third most stressful thing you can do.
Petty Complaints Ombudsman
Giving your batshit insade complaints the respect they deserve.
Sugar Free Vegan Diesel
There's no butter in it either.
Skydiving
Skydiving without the unnecessary inconvenience of a parachute.
Some People You've Never Heard Of
Rancid Alan Grease and others.
The Prime Time Gameshow Generator
As used by TV executives worldwide.
Not Funny
Prof Jez Moonbeam is laughable.
Here Comes Barry Smith
Wise words from Shepton Bassett's number one coach driver.
Christopher Columbus Discoveries Inc
If you've lost it, Chris will find it.
Words of wisdom from our resident medic
...Tigers ...Moles ...Farm Machinery ...Hypnotism ...Fruit ...Soap ...Implants ...Pianos ...Happy Clappers ...The Environment
The Drivelling
Troubled Hammer film gets new release.
The Bleeding Obvious
You pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
The Battersea Wigs Home
We never put a healthy wig down.
Knitting in Colour
This day in 1956 saw the introduction of the first regular colour knitting patterns.
Persons Unknown
Mr Frampton is looking for somoeone to blame.
The National Key Museum!
We've got keys!
In the market for a used policeman?
How to spot a dodgy copper.
Bean Legacy
This summer, Christian Bale is Mr Bean.
Cosmic Background Apathy
Will the universe keep expanding until it can't be bothered anymore?
Auras by Post?
Spruce up your chakras
What's On in Lower Bumpstead
A packed programme, following that unfortunate incident with the fire eater.
The Alternative Olympics
Speed swingball and dodgem rallying.
Space Things
The continuing adventures of Astro Cat.
World of Holes
Europe's leading stockist of quality holes.
Linguini!
Learn to speak fluent pasta.
The Shepton Bassett Village Fete
In aid of the St Tiddles in the Font Restoration Fund.
Bristletech Industries
Do you need to grow a beard? Fast?
Old Clothes
Trading Standards warn against dangerously out of date clobber.
The Square Root of Green
Fresh breakthrough in the science of colourology.
The Fish Olympics
Piscine polevaulting and haddock hurdles.
Barry the Road Safety Owl
No nonsense advice from a wise old bird
Mr & Mrs Pottle are Lost Again
Why can't these people just stay at home?
It's All in the Game
Classic board games from the past.
Bad Grandma Grammar
The inappropriate erection of words.
New Deposits of Earwax Discovered
Significant quantities discovered in Mr Harry Frome
Dark Batter
Is the missing mass in the Universe actually pastry?
Petunia Mulch
Plant psychologist.
Award for Outstanding Celebrity
New awards for old has-beens
Piffin: A Mediterranean Paradise
Boasting Europe's biggest landfill.
Echo...Echo
Mr Clutterbuck has an echo... echo... echo.
Cheese Genome Finally Cracked!
Scientific proof of the existence of cheese.
Pigchums
Meet likeminded pigs in your area!
Marmaduke Irksome: A Retrospective
Talking crap in the House of Commons.
It's a Fact!
More facts from the Funky Fact Feller.
Brick II
Recycling the rubble.
An Open Letter to Shepton Bassett Park & Zoo
Sorry about your monkeys.
No More Glasses!
Fry sausages with just a wink of the eye.
Veg-U-Like
Tomatoes, cauliflower, brussel sprouts and peas - collect the whole set.
Debt Matters
Making you aware of your debt.
Extreme Dinosaurs
Skateboarding plesiosaurs, rollerblading raptors and a brontosaurus with a space hopper.
Introducing Flying Squirrels
Flying into the side of a house at forty knots...
Whose Legs Are These?
The gameshow for all the family
So You've Got a New Manager?
How to stop it crapping in your in tray.
The Discovery of Vitamin G
Great moments in science.
St Tiddles in the Font
Parish newsletter.
Arty Tomatoes
Guy Pakker's latest artistic venture.
Oven Chimps
With none of the greasy aftertaste of regular monkeys.
Are you ready for Digital Ornithology?
Analogue birds are about to be switched off.
Death By Pastry
A huge pie just hanging in space.
Lillywhite Lenny
On the importance of staying on the fecking horse.
Pigmongering
Fergus Pong introduces us to this dying art.
Flexi Mortem
The only credit card you can use after death.
The Devil's Arse On Tour
Famous cavern to tour country
Bing Crosby Boxing
Punching singers in the mouth.
Dougal Fridgely
Possible dwarf planet discovered in Tadcaster
Night of the Womble
Unpublished Womble book is dystopian nightmare.
Eazee-post
Taking the pain out of internet forums.
Dilbert's Donkey Solutions
Professional donkey storage.
Songs of Inspiration
Jesus Wants Me For His Darts Team.
Doing the Lord's Work
Vicars on the job.
Buy Our Shampoo
Just buy it, ok.
Rationalising Britain's River Network
Britain's waterways need straightening,
Help a Pirate in Need
These buccaneers desperately need your support.
Maisy Donnington's Office Safety
How to avoid the business end of a stapler.
Diagnosis
Professor Wimple has a dirty mouth.
Brixham Trouser Museum
The UK 's premier trouser experience.
A Sustained Corporate Battering
We're concerned about Mr Pyle
10 Things You Never Knew About Frogs
Frogtastic Facts
Glen Twerk is not at Work
Caveat emptor, quo vadis.
Spooky Doings
The magazine of weird and improbable stuff.
Did Man Really Go To Belgium?
The dark truth behind the Belgian conspiracy
Spread the Good Word!
Your chance to buy shares in the Salvation Army!
Ralph Trundle: F1 Driver
We talk to a legend of the circuit
Cock
The magazine for young gentlemen.
Buttock Express
Your arse in our hands.
Top Twenty Albums of the '70s
With Ricky Stratocaster, professor of twangology.
The Delusion of J Henry Proudfoot
We meet an alien archaeologist.
One-Sided Dice
One-Sided Dice for Fatalists.
No Offence
The Right Honourable David McGog unapologetically apologises.
Travel News
Cowboys on the line and bricked up tunnels,
The Language of Dance
Jazz hands and quickstep.
Tax, What Tax?
Sir John Wyndrell has never heard of his own company.
How to Look After Your Cement Mixer
A great addition to any home.
Staff Handbook
A handy guide to your new workplace.
Core Competencies in Office Furniture
Sign up for a certificate in filing cabinets.
Feathered Friends
Could you befriend a lonely parrot?
Cake Rage
Pastry related assaults.
Carter-Pierrepoint
Particulate mapping of key delivery nodes.
Machiavelli Management Solutions
Discipline over distance.
Things Fall Over All the Time
Arthur's train only has wheels on one side.
Astralguard
Insurance for Astral Travellers.
Art
Selwyn Peach paints Elephants
Fine Dining
with Woodroffe Spanker
Happismiles Emergency Clown Service
For when your regular clown lets you down.
For Kids of All Ages...
Introducing our new range of children's books.
Gerald de Scooter's Restaurant Guide
Top notch swanky grub,
The Horse-Drawn Record Player
Equestrian technology.
Teaching Carrots to Fly
The cutting edge of vegetable warfare.
Mathew Sandblaster-Trogg
A bouncy little freak.
Grampion Strangely's Mountain Rescue
These vulnderable mountains need your help.
Scrufty's Magic Juju Shoppe
A tale of oconker mismanagement.
'Ello 'Ello 'Ello, What's All This Then?
Presenting The Metropolitan Police Choir.
Nuclear Garden
Mr Sideboard is not happy about his exploding shed.
Quality Service at Pooley's
With our motoring correspondent, Martin Carburetor.
The Trivial Accident Group
Have you been slightly inconvenienced at work?
Caught by the Fuzz
New Recruitment Initiatives within the UK Police Force.
Shepton Bassett - A Vision for the Future
Better late than never, our town plan.
Gentlemen's Etiquette
How to behave right proper and all that.
Maisy Donnington's Cheese Etiquette Page
Your guide to the wonderful world of cheese.
Is Your Tortoise Roadworthy?
Important news from the Ministry of Tortoises.
Motorcycle Display Teams
A bunch of blokes twatting about on bikes.
Dolby Noise Reduction Sausages
Cut out the hiss next breakfast time.
Ricky Stratocaster's History of Rock
Drive-by Wallpapering
Delinquent decorating.
Shark Fishing
Fergus Pong has a shark problem.
World of the Wacky
With the Amazing Mr Ooluv
Professional Scarer
GRRRRRR! AAAAARRRRGH! GRRRR!
Welcome to Stick World
If you like sticks, well, we've got sticks.
SciFi Fan Draws a Blank
Publisher leaves pages blank to cut costs.
Fats Porker - Blues Whinger
In memory of Crappsville's finest son.
The Montreux Clinic For Aural Readjustment
Get your wonky flappers straightened here
The Thoroughfare of Success
Dick Smidgen teaches you how to live your life but better.
Harry Carson is Watching You
It's a man's life as a modern store detective.
Why Your Printer Doesn't Work
Most of these devices are allergic to paper.
Cash for Pets
Trade in your unwanted dog.
Mrs Womble writes...
We're No Longer Recruiting...
...but here are some of the unlucky applicants
So Special
Special beauty therapies for very special people.
Ant Facts
with Donald Fact.
Shave the Moon
Our hairy satellite.
Emergency Kebabs
When you absolutely positively need a kebab.
A Career in Printing
Why not specialise in the colour green?
Barney's Magic Wonder Show
Belinda Sommers reviews the latest production.
Crystal N.R.G.
Harnessing the mystical bollocks of the universe.
The World Bullshit Record
Team bonding, goal setting and table top brainstorming
Donald Fact's Fact Blast
It's a Fact, brought to you by Crunchy Flakes.
Know Your Birds
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Modern Day Bird Warfare
What Is It?
How what why when who where and when? Hello?
Octo-Fever
Are you allergic to octopuses?
Empire of the Flowers
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Operation Growbag.
Historic Knees
Knees of outstanding natural beauty.
A Ding-Dong Duvets
Prof Reynaud pulls a fast one.
The Wonderful World of Ants
Ants, ants, ants, ants!
Squeak Off
The big noise in footwear technology.
Traffic Watch
Heavy vibes are causing delays on the A52.
Your Staff Feedback, Your Way
Tired of hearing from ungrateful and misguided staff?
Some more stupid than others.
Barry Buys a Broom
Dirty Doings at Featherstone Manor
Board Meeting
The Day Before Tomnorrow
Tall Story in a Short Glass
The Hedgehog King
The Mystery of the Shitfaced Man
Venus by Catapult
You Again
Death, Doom and Disaster
Goldilocks and the Free Bears
Inside the Nun Factory
Where do nuns come from?
A Fistful of Sausages
Brought to you by the meat marketing board.
Gin!
Gin, gin and more gin!
Pretty Pictures
Better management through crayons.
Galactic Phrasebook
Learn to speak Venusian!
Mr Bannerman's Evidence
Courtroom confusion.
Punctuation Crisis
We're running out of apostrophes.
Wisbech
Theft of town exposed as hoax.
National Consumer Instructions Awards
Confusing, badly translated or just plain weird.
Puzzle Page!
With the amazing Mr Ooluv.
Greygolds Residential Care Home
Where quality care costs extra.
Jaggedy
Mrs Lubricant wants a tidiery Britain.
Yeti Makeover
Mrs Stenchtrouser is planning an expedition.
Centuri Space Supplies
Second hand space travel
Selling Crap for Fun and Profit
The very best in useless tat.
Topping Talent
Featuring the Marvellous Undersea Kingdom of Colin Chocolate.
British Gas
Sending foreign gas back home.
Poot
Bigger, Better, Faster, Now!
Evening Courses
Pseudo-academic subjects and frivolous arts and crafts courses.
Cosmos Rocks
In an infinite universe, there is no limit to human gullibility.
Sofas are From Mars...
The race to put the first sofa on Mars.
Mr Gammon's Objections
Shepton Bassett Council Responds
Kicking Up a New Stink
Breakthrough leads to discovery of new smell.
Anti-Assertiveness Classes
Tone it down a bit.
Nobby Wentworth's Pet Surgery
Save cash - fix your own pets in the comfort of your own home.
The Aromatron
A whole new world of smells awaits you.
Rod Stewart and Enya's Rock 'n' Roll Mysteries
Solving crimes and fighting bad guys.
Fleegle
New number has consequences for the future of the universe. And bingo.
Jars-4-u
Get your jars opened by a professional jar opener!
The Unusual Suspects
A message from Det. Insp. Barker Harris.
Forward to the '80s
How we'll all be travelling in the '80s.
Stuff Your Bleeding Job
How to resign digracefully.
The Ultimate Procrastination Suite
Just been handed a project but can't be bothered to get started?
How Long is a Piece of String?
The hit gameshow for all the family.
The Long Range Trouser Forecast
Overnight corduroys and occasional dungarees.
Rob Hammond's Essential Guide to Buddhism
Rob Hammond will give you a spiritual kicking,
Wind Tunnel Technician
Pardon?
Twenty-First Century Scouting
A woggle for the new miilenium.
The Wackiest Person in the UK
Alison Perkins is a mad as a fish.
Noblock and Kerfanderbuck
All smileytangled cockrock strop.
The Great Space Exhibition
Glorious innovations and technical marvels!
Short and Curly
Unlocking the power of curly hair.
Typists of the Kalahari
Shorthand tigers and double entry hippos.
Baby's First Swear
Teach your little angel to swear like a trooper.
Digital Vicars
The secret ways that vicars communicate?
Hear and Now
For collectors of rare and unusual sounds.
How To Be Sweary
with Professor Timothy Bottom.
Tony Fold's Country Rambles
with guest rambler, Rory Triffic.
The Kidderminster Lemon Exchange
Open now for faster, more reliable lemon exchange.
Global Moistening
Fear of a wet planet.
Doing Lengths
Mr Zing is swimming from pole to pole
Pooley's Fire Distinguisher
Put paid to that firey bullshit.
Cooker Island
Where the toasters roam free.
Thinking of Buying an Octopus?
How to look after your squishy friend.
An Important Announcement about Fish
Clever trout and erudite pilcards.
Amateur Stamp Collector Collector
Want to know how much to pay for a Nigel Tomlinson?
New Rights for Fictional Characters
It's no longer ok to call Oliver Twist a twat.
Scoop!
Local frog trapped in drain.
Dobbins of Doncaster
Get yourself a quality ass.
The Beaufort Scale
Slight wafts and uninvited pumps.
Announcing the iSpong
Totally changing the way that people spong in the future.
Criminal Offence Self-Assessment Form
Tick the box if you're a wrong 'un.
Slugbond
Because an inflated slug is a happy slug.
Metal Detecting
German U-Boat Found on Devon Beach.
Exploding Dinners
Put the fun back into dinner time.
International Arse Kicking
Bottom kicking for fun and profit.
Moroccan Dancing Moles
David Attenburger's Wonderful World of Nature.
Food Banking
MPs praise growing industry.
Out and About
The International Toast Museum and other attractions.
Sounds of Nature
Relax with chickens.
Jazz Bomb
Raw unadulterated jazz.
The Embarrasment of Nasal Hair Loss
Nostril wigs for all occasions
An Old Fart Remembers
Do you remember Puthering Day?
Dream Strides
Emergency trousers delivered direct to your anxiety nightmare.
Something Happened on Tuesday
Probably, but we're not sure what.
Tripping the Dark Fantastic
Hello darkness my old friend
Fraudulent Bananas
Phony fruit.
Local Heroes
Outstanding achievements in the field of vandalism.
Bare-knuckle Snooker
The biggest threat to law and order since badminton
History in Focus
An elbow shaker and a lickspittling mumblecrust
Man Blames ESA for Domestic Eclipse
Mr Cravat is not happy about where they park their stuff.
Product Recall
Some of our biscuits may contain canoes.
Munchy Burger
Can you cut the mustard as a top burger executive?
Comfy Dinners
A meal fit for a bed.
Have you got what it takes to stay in the country?
Be a great Briton. Or get out.
Maisy Donnington's Guide to Perking Yourself Up
Turn that frown upside down.
Fatquake
A sad farewell to the world's fatest man.
Neighbor Nightmares: The Movie
Two men, one drive, no prisoners.
Cold Fusion Sandwiches
A new era in atomic lunches.
Well Stuffed
Rogue taxidermist terrorises family pets.
Butterfly
Prof Jim Spanners explains chaos theory
Operation Mutton
The millitary applications of sheep during WWII.
Blood Donors Needed
Please bleed into the envelope provided.
Maxi-Lingual for Motorists
Curse fluently in over six languages.
All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2000-2026, and may not be reproduced without the express permission of the author. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. || Picture Credits: P.Farnsworth/morguefile.com/craiyon.com. || Privacy Notice: this site does not collect, store or otherwise process your personal data. Sorry, but I'm not the slightest bit interested in you.
