Man Takes Out Restraining Order on Himself

Man Takes Out Restraining Order on Himself

'I've been stalking myself for years,' says victim.

Old Bailey


Jacob Bullsmoor has achieved a legal first by becoming the first man to take out a restraining order on himself. Speaking outside the courtroom shortly after the judge granted the historic order, Mr Bullsmoor said that he was greatly relieved, and he hoped that it had finally brought to an end an extremely distressing chapter in his life.

"It's hard to pinpoint when it all began," he explained to journalists. "I think it was about eight or nine years ago that I first started to see this guy hanging around. It was unnerving: I just kept getting glimpses of him out of the corner of my eye - reflected in a plate glass window, a car windscreen, a mirror. One time, in a restaurant, I even caught sight of his hideous, distorted features in a spoon. It was chilling, I can tell you."

He caught sight of his own face.

Mr Bullsmoor became increasingly convinced that he was being stalked and made a complaint to the police. At the station they went through a collection of mugshots to see if he could identify the man, but he drew a blank. It was only when he caught sight of his own face in a CCTV monitor that he realised the awful truth that he had been harassing himself.

"Unfortunately, the police said that they couldn't do anything about it," Bullsmoor said. "They told me that as we were technically part of the same household, this was a domestic dispute and therefore they couldn't touch it. I thought they were a bit too quick to wash their hands of it, personally, but what can you do? They suggested that I try to deal with this personally, on a one-to-one basis, and so one day I persuaded myself to sit down and talk it through. Well, I put my case as best as I could, said that I felt intimidated and uncomfortable, and at first I seemed to respond to myself pretty well. But then it all fell apart."

Angrily throwing a vase at himself.

Ultimately, Mr Bullsmoor found that he couldn't see eye-to-eye with himself. He tried counselling, but during the session things got a little heated and he ended up angrily throwing a vase at himself. In desperation, he began a private legal action. It was expected that the case, in which he was simultaneously plaintiff and respondent, would be thrown out of court. However, the judge, Justice Henry Malfeasance, surprised everyone by granting the restraining order, saying in his summing up that it had been a long hard day and he didn't care anymore.

This decision means that Mr Bullsmoor is not lawfully allowed to be within three miles of himself, which is why he was arrested ten minutes after leaving the court. He has now been charged with breaching the order, and both of him are due to appear before the magistrate next Tuesday.



Taken from The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2022
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