A report commissioned by the Home Office has revealed that for the year 2015/2016 the crime rate in the North Sea was practically zero.

At depths of around 95 metres, instances of housebreaking were significantly lower than the national average, and car theft was practically unheard of. In deeper regions the statistics were even more striking.

Researchers are currently looking into the reason for these impressive figures. No conclusions have yet been reached, but many police forces around the country are already experimenting with planting seaweed in troubled night-spots in order to stem the outbreak of violent crime.