Competition Humming

The Fourth International Humming Championship takes place in a field just outside Wigan this weekend and is open to anybody who has a favourite song but doesn't know the words. Two thousand entrants took part in last year's event, simultaneously humming over two thousand different tunes. There were reliable reports that the din could be heard more than thirty miles away.

Organisers are hoping for a better turnout this year. Despite there being no shortage of competitors, there were only twenty spectators last time and many of these were noticeably intimidated at being outnumbered a hundred to one. Additionally, last year's event was augmented by several craft stalls, a raffle and a brass band, and it is believed that these may have been responsible for driving many people away.

Still, the reigning champion, Ian 'Tone Deaf' Crompton, has been very active in encouraging people to come along. "It's a marvellous event," he lies, fondly recalling how he previously romped to victory with his ear-shatteringly hideous rendition of 'Eton Rifles' by The Jam. "I know some people can find humming quite irritating and that the prospect of suffering a couple of thousand folks doing it in unison is only slightly more tolerable than repeatedly slamming you own head in a door, but it's by supporting events such as this that we keep our communities alive. And, on the plus side, the whole thing only last about four and a half minutes, which is barely long enough to ruin your afternoon, let alone scar you for life."

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