Emergency Merger

Plans to merge emergency services in the UK have been branded 'mental' by opposition groups, who claim that the decision would be a recipe for disaster. Proposals have been advanced that will see Fire, Police and Ambulance departments merge into a single unified service in a move designed to increase efficiency and response times.

Several pilot schemes have already ended in disaster with ambulance crews called out to attend domestic disturbances equipped only with fire axes, firefighters carrying out emergency CPR with truncheons and policeman setting fire to cats stuck up trees. Nevertheless, the government is keen to press ahead with the scheme despite what it calls 'a few isolated setbacks'.

Meanwhile, motoring organisation the AA, which brands itself 'Britain's fourth emergency service', has enjoyed rather more success after merging with Relate, and now offers roadside assistance for relationship breakdowns. I thank you.