Topping Talent

Topping Talent

Providing some of the best entertainment acts currently on the circuit. Whether you're planning a variety gala, a corporate event or a community celebration, Topping Talent will have the right act for you.

Take a look at a few of our most popular performers.

The Brainiac Twins

The Brainiac Twins

Marjorie and Magdalene Brainiac will treat you to an evening of extraordinary mentalism. They regularly astonish audiences with their legendary mind-reading abilities, their psychic levitation techniques and their faultless displays of coordinated bigotry. In addition, Magdalene can fire thunderbolts out of her arse, a skill rarely mastered by someone of her young age.

"My wife and I were astounded by the Brainiac Twins' proficiency in the hypnotic arts. Following the performance my wife firmly believed herself to be the Archbishop of Canterbury. I should point out that she also thought she was the Archbishop of Canterbury before the show. What I'm trying to say is that this show is ideal for everybody, even the Archbishop of Canterbury. She loved it."

Major FP Featherstonehaugh

Major FP Featherstonehaugh

Major Featherstonehaugh, a veteran of countless military campaigns, presents an expert showcase of coordinated stabbing. You will be in awe of the Major's legendary swordsmanship as he demonstrates a wide range of chopping, slicing, swiping, hacking and stabbing techniques with the help of terrified members of the audience. It is testament to Major Featherstonehaugh's talent that he has never been given a bad review. Not by anyone who's still in one piece, anyway.

"I'd highly recommend this show to anyone who is interested in sharp pointy things. Just don't sit on the front row, that's all."

Garth Spanners and the Spanner Family

Garth Spanners

Quite possibly one of the finest ventriloquists in the business. The Spanner family are three life-sized and incredibly lifelike dolls that Garth brings to life using his remarkable voice-throwing skills. They sing! They dance! They recite the alphabet while Garth drinks a glass of water. It is a closely guarded secret how Garth manages to manipulate all three dolls at the same time - especially the middle one. Perhaps we'll never know? Perhaps we really don't want to?

"I was very fortunate to catch Garth's show last month. He does this routine where the dolls all revolve their heads 360 degrees while singing Rule Britannia. It's very funny, but it finishes with Garth spinning his own head round in a complete circle, which is a bit sickening, to be honest.

Mickey's Magic Mangle

Mickey's Mangle

Mickey's Magic Mangle is a kid's show like no other. Join Mickey on his magical journey through Mangleland and watch spellbound as his wonderful adventures unfold. Many people have made the mistake of assuming that Mickey is just some old bloke who stands on stage, looking bored and cranking an old mangle for an hour and a half, but seriously, your kids will love it.

"Brilliant. Dropped the kids of while we went and got a bite to eat. When we picked them up they were in a perfect stupor of boredom and were quiet for the next two weeks. It was bliss."

Mrs Tranmere's Rock 'n' Roll Organ Show

Mrs Tranmere

Would you be astonished to hear that Mrs Tranmere has never had an organ lesson in her life? Not if you'd heard her play, you wouldn't. She plays the hits like you've never heard them before - which is why people rarely recognise them. She has now become so infamous that audiences attend her shows purely to guess the tunes, with teams from all around the world competing to identify the melodies. Many have tried to emulate her style - by playing blindfold, wearing boxing gloves or smashing the keys randomly with a hammer - but few have come close.

"As a professional tune-spotter I have been attending Mrs Tranmere's recitals for many years and even after all this time she can still surprise me. Just last week her honky-tonk version of Bridge Over Troubled Water was a revelation, and I would defy anyone to successfully identify which of those cacophonous melees of random chords was supposed to be Sympathy for the Devil.

The Great Escapo

The Great Escapo

The Great Escapo is an escapologist with a difference. Whereas some escape artists demonstrate the art of escaping from chains, padlocks and handcuffs, the Great Escapo has mastered the much more difficult discipline of escaping from contracts and service agreements. Gasp in wonder as he cancels his broadband contract at a moment's notice, reel in shock as he frees himself of his cable agreement without having to have a long-winded conversation with a call centre worker. How does he do it? When, for an encore, you see him deftly terminate an Amazon Prime contract, you'll swear that it's witchcraft.

"I've been trying to end a boiler maintenance contract for years - ever since the boiler blew up, in fact. I've been getting nowhere and I was on the verge of giving up, but after witnessing the Great Escapo I am filled with a fresh sense of determination. It can be done! I'm going to go home now, phone up the service centre and then, after waiting for eight hours to get through to someone, I'm going to damn well give them a piece of my mind."

The Barker Family

The Barker Family

Three generations of Barkers make up this unique and enchanting act. Mr Barker juggles live toads whilst Mrs Barker demonstrates the key elements of successful bicycle repair. Meanwhile Old Ma Barker attempts to raise the dead, with the talented Baby Barker sitting at her feet, playing the trombone. If that doesn't grab you, then you'll be pleased to know that it usually ends in a fight, with three of the Barkers hospitalised and the remaining member of the family emerging as the blood-soaked but triumphant victor. The smart money is usually on the baby.

"An extremely varied act with something for everybody. I personally enjoyed the trombone, and can only lament the fact that young Baby Barker does not have a sibling who can join him on the tuba."

The Marvellous Undersea Kingdom of Colin Chocolate

Colin Chocolate

Join professional diver and underwater photographer Colin Chocolate for a fascinating four hour lecture on the flora and fauna of the world below the waves. Colin talks at great length about the weird and wonderful creatures that he has encountered during his damp adventures, accompanied by an extensive slide show. Be warned that, for the sake of authenticity, Colin performs his talk wearing a full deep sea diving suit, complete with helmet, so it is unlikely that you will be able to make out much of what he's saying. You might want to take a book.

"I sat through a talk that seemed to go on for days, in which all I could hear was some indistinct mumbling, and all I could see was a series of blurred pictures of things that may or may not have been marine life, some of which appeared to have been taken at the fresh fish counter in my local supermarket. Still, it was either this or going to see Les Mis again, so I think I got off lightly."

Emmeline 'The Thrasher' Wilson

The Thrasher

Ten year-old Emmeline may not look much, but she's got a vicious right hook and she knows when to put the boot in without the ref seeing. Fresh from her prize-winning pummelling of Janice 'Slasher' Pickering, Emmeline is touring the country giving a series of exhibition performances. You will also get the chance to step into the ring and take on The Thrasher yourself, although the management make it clear that they will in no way be responsible for any subsequent medical costs.

"I remember thinking that she doesn't look like much, so she shouldn't present too much of a problem. That was just before I ducked under the ropes. The next thing I knew, I was sailing backwards in a horizontal position over the heads of the crowd, coming to rest in a crumpled heap next to the fire exit. It was a painful and humiliating experience. I'm going back next Tuesday."

The Blaupunkt Sisters

The Blaupunkt Sisters

The Blaupunkt Sisters died over fifty years ago, but that hasn't stopped them touring. State of the art hologram techniques have meant that many of our best loved acts are still wowing audiences around the world, and the Blaupunkt Sisters are no exception. In this case, budgetary restrictions have meant that the technology involved is rather more rudimentary, but it is nevertheless remarkable what can be achieved with such an ingenious system of ropes and pulleys.

"I first saw the Blaupunkt Sisters in 1952. I saw them again last year and I have to say that they are as good now as they ever were. Being dead certainly hasn't slowed them down, although Mary Blaupunkt did spend most of the second half drooping at an awkward angle after one of her ropes snapped."



Taken from The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2021

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The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2021
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More attacks by household appliances
The contempt it deserves
'If mountains are made of rocks and oceans are made of rain, what is soil made of?'
Records what we made up
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