Gary the Builder

Gary the Builder

What's that mate? Antimatter? Yeah, I reckon I know where I can get hold of some for you. Obviously, it's not going to be cheap, but that's not your real problem. What do you want it for? Really? Ok, well that's up to you - none of my beeswax.

Anyway, the problem you have is that they only tend to produce it in really small quantities and it doesn't stick around for long - just a fraction of a second and then puff! It's gone. Now that's no good for what you want it for. Not unless you can get a hell of a wriggle on, anyways.

No, the best thing you can do is make your own. It will take a bit of investment, but once you're up and running you'll have the stuff on tap, so to speak. What's that mate? Oh yeah, in principal it couldn't be simpler. Basically, what you need to do is take a neutron - and you can pick one of them up at any hardware store - and then you have to belt it really hard. No, harder than that. You've got to give it one hell of a thump, smash it to its component elements so as to precipitate a shower of particles, amongst which will be your actual antimatter. And for that you're going to need more than just a sturdy vice and a brick hammer. You're going to need a particle accelerator.

Well, as it happens, I do know a bloke who knows a bloke who can get hold of one for you. Second-hand, like, so it might be a bit bent, but it'll serve. Trouble is I won't see him till next Tuesday, is that alright? Magic!

The other thing is, you're going to need a fair bit of room - ideally a small town. And prepare yourself for a bit a grief from the missus, because it's going to make one hell of a racket. Well, fair enough, I'll ask around, but in the meantime you have a think about it, 'cos if I was you I'd probably just get a conservatory instead.


Taken from The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2018.

Annual Cover


The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2018

Download PDF Version

Read online

submit to reddit
The Bleeding Obvious Prime Time Gameshow Generator

Books and Free Downloads

The UBO Annual 2018 The UBO Annual 2017 The UBO Annual 2016 The UBO Annual 2015 The History of Rock The Bongo Lectures Kicking and Screaming Dead Peasants Recalled to Life UBO Volume 1 UBO Volume 2 Death Doom and Disaster Goldilocks and the Free Bears Find out more...



Promo Image

The Cake Escape

Power tools hidden in confectionery.

Promo Image

Amateur Stamp Collector Collector

Want to know how much to pay for a 'Nigel Tomlinson'?

Promo Image


Are you in the market for a used policeman?

Promo Image

Munchy Burger

Application Form Part B

Promo Image


Campaigning for the abolition of Tuesdays.

Promo Image

Centuri Space Supplies

Secondhand space travel


Teaching Carrots to FlyTeaching Carrots to FlyStandard British NunsExtreme Dinosaurs


Latest blog entries...