The Sandwich: #144

The Sandwich


What a talented bunch of animals that I have found myself among. There is Colin the Labrador who will bark Beethoven's Fifth Symphony when you give him a doggy choc. There's the Amazing Splasho, a goldfish who does a stunning memory act. There is Alphonse the Backflipping Tortoise, who is quite possibly the most balletic and graceful reptile that I have ever seen. And then there is my new friend Maxwell The Talking Cat. OK, so he talks, I hear you scream, but what does he have to say? Well, he does stand-up. It's observational comedy, mostly. His wry and amusing comments really nail what it's like to be a talking cat in the twenty-first century and the audience can't help but be captivated by his sharp and original material - five stars.

Then I told them about my act - the magic, the dancing, the singing - and there were glum looks all round. When I asked what the problem was, Maxwell sheepishly shook his furry head at me. "Well, ok. I'm sure it's proper tasty, it's just that, well, that was Gideon's act."

I looked around. "Gideon?"

"Yeah mate," said Maxwell. "Gideon was... well, he was like you really, but cleaner. He came here thinking that all he had to do was dress up in a spangly leotard and do a few card tricks. But, see, that's not enough. Times have moved on; audiences want more. Gideon couldn't cut it - nil point - so it was canal time."

"They threw him in the canal? Just like that?"

"No," Maxwell said. "Of course not. Not just like that. They hit him with a brick first. But don't worry mate, we're not going to let that happen to you. We're not animals."

"Yes, you are."

"All right, we are," said Maxwell. "But we're going to help you. We'll work on your act, and by the time we're finished with you, you'll be the biggest thing in showbiz since Malcolm Windemere!

"Malcolm who?"



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