There are times when I wonder how I came to be where I am. Like now, for example, when I am strapped to the lining of a big pocket, dressed in a giraffe onesie, waiting to be flirted into an alternative dimension. The voice of Professor Moonbeam comes echoing down from a loudspeaker somewhere above me.
"Hey dude," he says. "Is everything ok?"
"My underpants are too tight," I tell him.
"Nothing to do with me, man," he replies.
"No, I know," I say. "I was just making a general observation."
"Cool," he says. "OK then, we're ready to begin the countdown. Here goes: ten, nine, eight..."
I mean, I won't repeat the whole thing. He basically counts down from ten to zero. You know how it goes. If he got any of the numbers in the wrong order, then it might have been worth mentioning. Or if he had mispronounced something - if he said "seben" instead of "seven", which is something I sometimes do, especially when I am tired. But he didn't do any of those things, so let's just take it as read that he did the countdown properly, ok?
"... two, one, zero."
Nothing. Silence. Darkness.
"Erm, I don't think it - " I began, then suddenly whoosh!
A multitude of flicking lights streamed past me, stretching backwards to infinity. A thunderous rumbling assailed my senses, pounding like the endless heartbeat of the universe. I felt myself being stretched in all directions at once, while simultaneously being crushed to a singularity. In that instant, all times, all places, all things were known to me, my head swelled with the accumulated wisdom of history and still my underpants were too tight.