We're Recruiting...

The shortlist so far:

Please tell us about your current or most recent role

Company: Boogaboo International Ltd.

Job Title: Head of Fluffy Niceness

Main Duties: I am currently the national lead for the company's 'fluffy niceness' initiative, ensuring that all employees are overflowing with happy goodness and that no one is a grumpy old sourpuss. As part of the company's policy of keeping everyone distracted so that they don't question their pay or conditions, I organise meetings - many meetings - in which myself and my specially chosen fluffy niceness champions explore ways we can improve the morale of staff. We hope that one day we may be able to put one of our ideas into practice, but in the meantime the pay is good and we try to keep ourselves busy putting up jolly motivational notices around the office, and posting wacky videos of ourselves on YouTube. It doesn't half wind people up.

Oh, and also I'm the fire marshal.

Reason for Leaving: I'm not very happy.

What qualities do you think you could bring to your new role?

Although I have no direct experience of whatever you said the job is, I feel that I can be a bouncy ray of sunshine who will spread joy and loveliness throughout the company and not get on anyone's nerves at all.


Please tell us about your current or most recent role

Company: Amalgamated Planks

Job Title: Senior Buyer (Novelties)

Main Duties: I am the senior buyer of branded pens, trolley tokens and baseball caps. In my role I assist the Advertising and Promotion department by sourcing and purchasing branded pens, trolley tokens and baseball caps. I also contribute to the smooth running of the Human Resources department by ensuring they have sufficient supplies of branded pens, trolley tokens and baseball caps, and provide an invaluable service to the finance team by supplying their branded pens, trolley tokens and baseball caps. I have also played a key role in the company's data protection reference group, ensuring compliance with current legislation, helping to encourage best practice, raising awareness of staff responsibilities and influencing policy, largely through the supply of branded pens, trolley tokens and baseball caps.

Reason for Leaving: I am hoping to secure a more varied and interesting role.

What qualities do you think you could bring to your new role?

Whatever the industry, to compete successfully in the modern marketplace it is vital for any business to have a steady and reliable supply of branded pens, trolley tokens and baseball caps. With more than twenty years' experience in the field of securing essential novelty items for major international companies, I believe I am the obvious choice to help your company build on its current success, expand its portfolio and capture new markets by ensuring the availability of branded pens, trolley tokens and baseball caps.


Please tell us about your current or most recent role

Company: Frisbee Digitally Tracked Logistical Interface Solutions

Job Title: Executive Associate for Corporate Congruity

Main Duties: My role is both focussed and wide-ranging, responsible as I am for ensuring that the reciprocal intermutually of stratified modular vector analyses are consistent with current projected bipartisan flexibility nodes. Compliance is key, of course, which is why I take daily ownership on both a projected and pre-coordinated basis of all dual-mode consolidated trajectories. I'm sure I have no need to point out the dangers of allowing federated public collaborations to proceed in a quasi-affiliated state, without rudimentary limiters being applied sequentially. This is why my strategy incorporates modal feedback pathways.

Reason for Leaving: This is boring. I want to drive a forklift truck.

What qualities do you think you could bring to your new role?

I already have my own hat. Please let me drive a forklift truck.


Please tell us about your current or most recent role

Company: International Stuff Incorporated

Job Title: Operations Manager.

Main Duties: I am ultimately responsible for the management and effective deployment of staff, ensuring that all company processes and operations run smoothly and resolving any difficulties and disputes that may interfere with or impede the business of the company. Well, clearly that's impossible! How can anybody possibly be expected to deal with all that? People are constantly coming to me with their problems: personnel issues, supply problems, equipment failures, policy decisions. Why can't they just go and sort it out for themselves? I mean, it's too much, just too much! That's why I spend as much time as I possibly can shut away in my office, refusing to speak to anyone.

Reason for Leaving: I would like something that pays me the same money, provides me with the same perks but isn't anything like as demanding.

What qualities do you think you could bring to your new role?

You'll hardly know I'm there. Honestly, I'll be no bother. I'll just sit in my office - I'd like a big office please - and I'll keep myself amused. I certainly won't interfere with the running of the company, or try to make any decisions or anything like that. And I definitely won't attempt to actually manage anyone, promise.


Please tell us about your current or most recent role

Job Title: Office Joker.

Main Duties: Most of my working day is spent is spent larking about, winding people up and having a right old laugh. If anybody is to be found wearing a silly hat, playing football in the stockroom or photocopying their backside, then it's me. I specialise in pranks, particularly messy ones that result in extreme embarrassment for the victim and usually some element of physical pain. You probably won't be surprised to learn that many people think of me as a tosser but thankfully I take my job seriously enough to recognise this as a compliment.

Reason for Leaving: The incident with the finance director's wife and the peanut butter. You may have read about it in the paper.

What qualities do you think you could bring to your new role?

I'm looking for a role in which I can stretch myself and take my pranking to the next level. I am particularly interested in working with dangerous and banned substances and have for a long time nurtured an ambition to carry out the ultimate prank - one which may or may not involve melting someone's face off.


Please tell us about your current or most recent role

Company: It's that big place at the end of Market Street - can't remember the name

Job Title: Dead weight.

Main Duties: I suppose the best way to describe my role is as a constant burden to my colleagues and the company in general. Of course, I have my specific duties and responsibilities but I find that if I just ignore them then someone else will cover it for me. Over the years I have managed to duck out of most tasks by claiming that they are not part of my job description and nobody has really had the nerve to challenge me. It has now got to the point where no one even bothers to ask me anymore and I can usually spend most of my working day sitting in a corner playing on my phone. In fact, in recent months I haven't actually turned up at all and on the few occasions that anyone has asked me where I am, I say I'm 'working from home'.

Reason for Leaving: Don't know.

It's not for me to say. Can't you ask someone else?


Taken from The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2020. FREE Download

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