At Greygold's we promise that we won't kick your elderly relative in the teeth and steal their pension.
There are not many care homes these days that can honestly claim that they won't humiliate and abuse their residents. We're not perfect and we're not saying that there haven't been times in the past where our employees have subjected residents to degrading and shameful ordeals.
And we can't guarantee that it won't happen again.
After all, it's a stressful job and staff have to unwind. But, by and large, most of our residents can go for quite long periods without sustaining notifiable injuries, and some of them are even happy, in their own way.
Hey, business is business, right?
But what better recommendation can there be than the words of the people who really matter? Here's what a few of our more robust residents had to say, entirely of their own volition and without being coerced or anything.
"I love it here. The staff are very friendly and nobody has ever pushed my face into my dinner and told me that if I didn't eat my carrots there would be trouble."
Gladys Trimble, £825 per week
"Now listen here. I spent two years in a Japanese prisoner of war camp. Deprivation? Starvation? Torture? You don't know the meanings of the words. Bring it on, sonny, do your worst."
Arthur Binn, £1220 per week
"Have you come to read the meter? I once had a pet tortoise called Hercules who used to look just like you. Where am I? Is it time for Emmerdale?"
Leonard Marjoribanks, Manager
So if you're looking for a convenient, reliable and... convenient care home in which to deposit you aging loved one then, let's face it, we're probably the best you're going to find.
Where quality care costs extra