It may be hard to believe at first, but there's solid proof that the secret to good fortune, wealth and wisdom may be found in the palm of your hand. To be precise, the uniquely individual shape of your front door key - its peaks, its valleys, its ridges and its slots - can tell you much more about the personality of its owner than perhaps you may have realised. Indeed, to an expert, your key can be the means of unlocking the inner workings of your soul.
Obviously, reading keys is a serious business, every bit as scientifically legitimate as graphology, crystal healing and psychoanalysis, and it takes years of dedicated study. It's certainly not a subject that a respectable key reader would be willing to sum up in just a couple of hundred words. Luckily Madame Fifi LaTour is not a respectable key reader - rather she is a cheap, end-of-the-pier opportunist, and she has kindly agreed to give us a brief rundown of the five standard Yale types.
Type 1: "The regular patterns of this key demonstrate an even temperament and an aptitude for figures. Its owner most probably works in banking or accountancy, but I am concerned that the gentle incline that leads away from the heart ridge may indicate problems of a cardiovascular nature."
Type 2: "Now this key clearly belongs to a more dynamic personality. The jagged, sharp peaks suggest a life punctuated by drama and excitement - we're talking maybe a footballer or a test pilot. The elongated spleen node, visible along the diurnal axis, is usually associated with a fondness for yoghurt. Lucky number: 6."
Type 3: "Now what this key tells me is that its owner is a forty-two-year-old tax inspector from the Runcorn area. He lives alone in a two-bedroomed semi-detached house, he enjoys watching general knowledge quiz shows and he has a large collection of magazines about scuba diving, even though he can't swim and has an allergic reaction to crustaceans. I could be wrong about the crustaceans."
Type 4: "Yes... unusual. I guess it belongs to someone who is very imaginative, possibly frivolous. I'm guessing also - just thinking about the design of the key, the mechanics of locks and so forth - that it belongs to someone who has a hell of a hard time unlocking their front door. Are you sure you didn't make this one up?"
Type 5: "Ah yes, now this is very interesting. This key obviously belongs to an ostentatious individual. He or she is prone to grand displays of their own importance, and despite their inability to issue anything other than vacuous nonsense, they see fit to continually deluge all and sundry with their asinine opinions and inane drivel. I think I might know this person - it's the prick at the end that gives it away."
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