Aqua sapiens

There are two ways to achieve scientific glory. The first is to discover something entirely novel and unexpected, and offer a radically fresh and incisive new insight into the phenomenon. The other is to make shit up.

Many people were of the opinion that Dr Thaddeus Kleenex had chosen the latter route when he recently announced his theory that water is evolving. With the exception of lemurs, every living thing on the planet needs water to survive - be it still, sparkling or with a twist of lemon. But Dr Kleenex claims that he has discovered a new mutation of water that has cleverly learnt to avoid being drunk by using a variety of ingenious techniques, including suddenly changing to a gas, altering its refractive index and disguising itself as Sunny Delight.

"I first discovered this extraordinary adaptation while out walking in the Lake District," Dr Kleenex explained. "I chanced, by accident, on a pretty little stream but as soon as it saw me it scurried away and hid under a rock. Fortunately I was able to sneak up on it from behind with a bucket and bring it back to my lab for study."

Dr Kleenex's observations of his so-called Aqua sapiens have yet to be confirmed, but experts are not confident that there will be any substance to his claims. Especially as Kleenex's previous assertion that he had discovered a species of bioluminescent rock has since been thoroughly discredited.