The Patagonian Sneezing Fish



Are you looking for a garden feature that will be the talk of all your friends?

The Patagonian Sneezing Fish is rapidly becoming a favourite addition to ponds as a cheap and environmentally friendly alternative to ornamental fountains. Born in early spring amongst some of the more inaccessible and windswept peaks of the Andes, the Patagonian Sneezing Fish catches a cold almost as soon as it is born. Coughing, snuffling, its eyes bulging and accompanied by near constant sneezing, it makes its way down to the streams and rivers that wind through the lower valleys.

"Their mass migration is an astonishing sight," says local fishologist Lola Mendez. "Thousands of the tiny silver creatures come tumbling down the mountainsides, spluttering, retching and making enough racket to blow your socks off. It's magical."

Their journey back up the mountainside at the end of the season is no less impressive, the plucky creatures harnessing the startling power of their stupendous sternutations to propel themselves back up the slopes to spawn.

You might think that it's no sort of life for a fish and, happily, so do they, which is why many of them would much rather take up residence in the back garden water features of pretentious people from Chichester, Kettering and Kingston Upon Hull. Here their natural sneezing abilities can be put to good use, creating intricate and fascinating water fountain displays.

Order yours now. Just £12.99 each or £59.99 for a pack of six.

Sneezing Fish

And not only that...

Think that a Patagonian Sneezing Fish fountain is just for decoration? Think again. The Patagonian Sneezing Fish is also a great security feature, as professional burglar and all round villain Toby Wallop can attest.

"I was going to knock off this place near Thetford," Toby tells us. "Smart little gaff, out of the way, like - quite promising. Well, I waited until it was quiet and then I was over the back fence and sneaking up to the back of the house to try my luck with the patio doors. Suddenly, as I passed the fishpond, I heard a sudden wet sneeze and was showered with pond water and fish snot. Well I didn't hang about - I dropped my jemmy and my sack and I was out of there, pronto! It certainly taught me a lesson. No more housebreaking for me - from now on I'm going to stick to nicking cars, just like my daddy taught me."


Taken from The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2020.

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