Dog Poo with
Wheels

Dogs are great, oh yeah. And dog poo is great, too. Dog poo is nature's way of emptying dogs, and despite all our advances in science and technology, we still can't come up with a better way of doing it. If it wasn't for dog poo, your dog would just keep getting bigger and bigger until it exploded and showered everyone with shit - and you wouldn't like that, would you? Fido wouldn't exactly be bowled over by the idea, either. Oh yes, dog poo is certainly a beautifully natural and elegant solution to the whole 'dog expansion' problem.

But it doesn't half make a mess of your Nikes when you stand in it.

That's why we are in dire need of an efficient, cost effective dog poo disposal system. To remedy this situation I propose that all dog poo should be fitted with wheels. This will mean that the next time Rover drops one in the street, the natural camber of the road surface will cause it to roll harmlessly into the gutter, where it can no longer be a hazard to health and an obstruction to traffic. Of course, you can't fit each and every turd with wheels as it emerges from the animal. That would be silly. But I have come up with an ingenious new food additive, consisting of ball bearings and iron fillings, that will cause the creature's faeces to be ejected with the wheels pre-formed.

Ah yes, but - I can hear you asking - what happens when the doggy-do lands somewhere where there is no slope or incline? Won't it just remain where it lands? Well this is the really ingenious bit. I propose a series of powerful electromagnets built into the kerbstones. These will draw the dog mess off the pavement and drop it into the gutter, where it can be safely destroyed. It may seem like an expensive solution to the problem, but I believe that the sight of your local high street alive with little brown missiles scudding backwards and forwards across the walkways is well worth the cost. Trust me, the kids will love it.