Downloading Sausages off of the Internet

Simon Cocksure, an amateur inventor from some Godforsaken provincial wasteland in the West Midlands, has invented a machine that enables you to download sausages off of the internet.

"It makes sausages!" Mr Cocksure told us at the launch of his new invention this week. The gadget, which is probably an extension of current 3d printer technology, or something, runs on four triple-A batteries and, when connected to your PC via a USB cable, can download up to three different types of sausages from a specialist sausage website in Germany.

We asked Mr Cocksure whether he thought that his new gadget would revolutionise computer-based meat products. "It makes sausages!" he told us as he demonstrated his gadget to the three local reporters and the photographer from the Walsall Advertiser who had gathered in his garage.

Experts predict that this is only the beginning for this remarkable new technology, we imagine, and confidently expect that in the not too distant future, people with too much time on their hands will be able to download as many as nine different meat products to their PC, laptop or phone, as well as printing out pasties using a special attachment that plugs into the cigarette lighter socket on their cars.

And no one is more excited about this than Simon Cocksure. He was positively vibrating with excitement as he took us to one side and confidentially told us, "It makes sausages!" Bless him.