Destiny takes a hand in the lives of men like Sidney Trumpton, nurtured in a one-horse town, a desert of dead possibilities, noteworthy for nothing. Opportunities for betterment receded and left him beached in the motor trade, struggling as a mechanic, fighting for business, getting by. Were it not for the fact that Sidney Trumpton never mastered his trade he would have found his niche in life. Lamentably, the cars he 'fixed' typically departed from him just as broken as when they arrived. Not the stuff of which glowing recommendations are born, and yet Sidney found that his customers rarely complained. Perhaps they couldn't be bothered; perhaps they knew no better. Business thrived.
Ever the opportunist Sidney Trumpton fell back into idleness, let life slide, trusted to fate, reaped the rewards. With so much time on his hands, he could spend the minutes that trickled through his fingers wondering where he had gone so right: so many choices, so many decisions, so many roads. He developed a passion for physics, a fondness for quantum mechanics and a fascination with what scientists called the 'many-worlds interpretation'. The juiciest fruit that he plucked from this theory was the idea that every decision created a multitude of alternate universes, in which each possible outcome was played out independently. Out 'there', spread across the infinite reaches of the multiverse, there were other Sidney Trumptons: some living in poverty, others in grand opulence. There were realities in which he was rich and famous and adored. There were others where he was destitute, and desperate, and ignored. Still others where he had long since passed from the world and left barely a flicker of a memory behind.
So why bother? If every possibility would be played out somewhere within this never-ending layer cake of reality, what was the point of making an effort? Win or lose, flourish or fail, those endless bubbles of space-time would leave no likelihood unexplored. And from where Sidney stood, his glass half empty, the bad possibilities would always be more numerous than the good. Every action he took, every choice he made, would trigger another cascade of probability. Alternate realities would scatter like fractured beads, creating hardship, and torment, and pain. Every moment would open up another door, to humiliation, to failure, to shame.
Okay then, do nothing. Any attempt at improving your lot is only going to make things worse. Touch nothing. Sidney Trumpton's philosophy for a happy life was to get through it without making waves. Sit back, enjoy the view, don't rock the boat and everything will be for the best in this best of all possible worlds. The idea caught on. His best-selling book, If It's Broke, Stuff It, found favour, sold millions, inspired a cult. Sidney himself lived quite happily until he was killed by an ingrowing toenail: festered for years, prospered untreated, punctured a lung...
...Friends! Hear the good news! For your life lived in the shadow of Fear and Pain and Dismay is naught but a smudge upon the Rainbow Mottled Oneness of the Multiverse. Find the true path to Heaven on Earth through the Prophet Trumpton.
Those who bear false witness in order to lure us from the Way of the Light claim that we must be penitent for our sins, humble in our actions and offer up thanks to our gods in anticipation of Eternal Salvation. But Trumpton teaches us that the proper Route to Enlightenment is to do nothing. Trumptonites know that a place exists for all of us somewhere along the infinite Corridors of Probability in which we are happy, and lovely, and snugly, and free.
Worry not that your house has fallen down - there is some other dimension where it still stands true and tall. Be not alarmed that your cat is on fire - in another reality it sleeps soundly on a pillow of ermine and dreams of mice. You need do nothing to Avert Disaster, you need take no action to Counter Injustice, nor make any effort to Improve your Fortunes. For in some parallel world all that is good will already have befallen you: you will be wealthy, you will be comfortable, and you will have joined our sect already.
All your doodling done professionally.
Mars observed behaving oddly.
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